i really don't know clouds at all

Sorry for the prolonged absence. I have no reason nor excuse. Time passes, my mood waxes and wanes like the, or with the, moon. Christmas and New Year were fairly quiet, but fun, with no family fallouts which is always a positive.

I have just today and tomorrow at my old job and then Feb 13th I start at the Department of Immigration & Citizenship - a well paid, entry-level administration position which I'm HUGELY looking forward to. I'm hoping my level of absenteeism improves. If I'm honest, and where else would I tell the truth but here, I miss at least one day a week. I make up excuses rather than tell my beloved boss that I suffer from anxiety and depression. I also suffer from honest-to-goodness laziness. I wake up in the morning and feel so damn tired, I literally can't get out of bed. I don't know whether it's the lupus, or the anemia, the depression or just avoidance.

I miss Doc A. I haven't told you guys this, but the last time I saw him (early November) he kind of broke up with me )-: He says I don't need heavy duty therapy anymore, that my BPD is in remission/recovery and I can just check in with him now and again for medication review and prescriptions. Obviously he left the final decision up to me, if I freaked out and said I needed to see him once a week or once a month he would still be there for me. But he suggested one visit per three to six months. I feel okay about it, but I do miss him. I miss being able to bounce things off him and get his feedback on stuff. I am supposed to be seeing a psychologist for my Binge Eating Disorder but have not got around to organising the appointment. She's young, and a woman, so I'm not keen LOL.

Overall, I am handling life fairly well apart from my missing work. The BPD is definitely out of the picture at the moment, hopefully permanently. I feel up and down sometimes, but not the crippling up and down I've suffered in the past. Mostly, the medication (Cymbalta 120mg, Amisuplride 100mg) and my coping skills keep me stable. I get triggered still, which pisses me off. I've been thinking about changing my relationship with the madosphere...maybe even closing down my blog and moving on. I find it harder and harder to read some of the blogs I follow and as much as I want to comment, I'm kind of blocked. Pain can be contagious, you know? There is a suicide all over the news today, and I am obsessively reading every detail while resisting my own selfharm urges. Part of me wonders if I would be healthier without contact with other people's pain. But part of me wonders how I would cope without my blog friends and the support I get from being part of this world. Truthfully, though, things are different now than they were when I started here three years ago. A large number of my friends, who used to blog a lot themselves and comment on my posts, don't hang out here any more. But I've made some lovely new friends, which is awesome!

I think this year, the Year of the Dragon, is going to contain a lot of transitions for me. Change is my buzzword. I'm starting to follow some non-mental health related blogs and may even change the name/content/outlook of my blog rather than desert it entirely. Any feedback would be appreciated, and I don't mean I am fishing for compliments or pleas for me to stay (-: Does anyone else in recovery struggle with over-empathising with others' struggles and triggering from painful posts? I wonder if that's why some of the friends I used to know have moved on or refocused their interest...

I try not to think that they left the madosphere because the demons finally claimed them.

ding dong merrily on high

I wanted to pop in and say g'day and wish all my readers and friends a safe and happy Christmas - and if happiness is too much to ask for, I wish you peace and calm and a nice stiff drink.

Things with me are good, though there's been no positive news on the job front. I've had an interview for a terrific job but have not heard back - apparently things in government departments move very slowly, especially at this time of year. I still live in hope. Meantime, I am plodding away at my data entry job for another hour and then I have 11 days off - hooray!! Once I come back from break I should only have another ten days here before I leave - although my boss wants me to stay on until I find something else.

I'm looking forward to Christmas in some ways, and dreading it in others. The pressure of family and social activity is acute, as we all know, this time of year. I love the food, though, and the presents. My awesome friend H sent me a huge box of presents which I can't wait to open, and there are some others under the tree at home that look interesting. I went overboard shopping for Neil as usual, mostly DVDs, clothes and a laser pointer so he can play with Charly and Roxy the cats. I hope he likes everything I got him.

Because I'm on leave I might not be on the computer so much for the next couple of weeks, but I'll update you when I return. Meantime, take care of yourselves and be well. Thank you for all your support this year, the madosphere means the world to me and all of you in it xxx

addicted to a certain kind of sadness

Tomorrow afternoon I leave for my girly weekend with H in Melbourne. I'm really looking forward to:
a) being away from work (and early wakeup calls)
b) seeing H
c) being in Melbourne

I love Melbourne. It's on the other side of Australia from Perth, for those who don't know, and it may as well be a different country in some ways. It's far more "arty" and cosmopolitan, the food is AWESOME and they have trams, which I love. I'm going to be there almost a week.

I'm not looking forward to:
a) being away from Neil (who is going to Cairns, Queensland, for a gambling weekend with his poker buddies)
b) leaving Charly (beloved feline) in the care of the slacker stepson J
c) meeting a lot of H's friends and being super social

Being with H is great, she is a gorgeous girl and understands me and my mental health issues. I'm a bit nervous about her friends, but am hoping they are laidback and not too exhausting. I am worried about my energy levels as they are still really low with the iron deficiency. I guess I will just pace myself and not overdo it. I'll have a lot of time on my own as H is working except for the two weekend days. I have plans to sightsee and shop and maybe get a massage.

I might not be able to blog or visit y'all while I'm away from work for ten days. I will try and check in now and again, partly because I will suffer withdrawal symptoms without it!

My title for today is from my favourite song at the moment - Gotye's Somebody That I Used To Know. Great Aussie songwriter.

dancing with myself

Since I last wrote a few things of note have happened.

1. I went to hospital with what turned out to be a gallbladder attack. I have gallstones, lots of them, and will probably have to have the gallbladder out sometime in the next year. Because of my weight being over 120kg I can only be operated on in the two largest public hospitals in Perth which means an extended time on the waiting list. Or I wait until my private health insurance matures in March 2012. Hopefully I can just avoid another attack. It was the most excrutiating pain. One of my BFs (who has four kids and had her gallbladder out last year) says it's a pain worse than childbirth.

2. Neil and I went out to dinner to celebrate one year together! I had a smallish steak and salad and a cocktail, which didn't interrupt my healthy eating plan too much. So far (almost 3 weeks) I've lost 5kg, which is something to celebrate too.

3. Mood wise, I have been hanging in there. Weirdly, or perhaps not so weird, it seems that eating better has improved my state of mind. Probably the extra dosage of Cymbalta is also working. Needless to say, the suicidal thoughts and desperate jitters have subsided and I haven't needed to take a Valium for a couple of weeks now. Phew. Crisis averted?

4. I saw on Catherine's Marmite on Toast blog that she had a link to her 43 Things. Having wanted to do a "Bucket List" for a while, I took the opportunity to copy the lovely Catherine and do my own 43 Things. You can find it here. Some of the things I intend to do while on this earth are: become a runner, visit South America, learn swing dancing, drink more water and meet Joshua Jackson!!! An eclectic mix LOL.

My apologies for such a dull, pedestrian post. Such is my life just now, and I must say I'm somewhat relieved.

pictures of you

My new profile pic was taken at Roller Derby on the 18th of June. I made some streamers from crepe paper for my team The Bloody Sundaes (who won by one point - yay!).

This is a picture of me and my sweetie taken in Melbourne earlier this year.

Happy Belated US Father's Day. Our Father's Day is celebrated in September, I have no idea why! Here are Neil and Charly sharing a kiss (-:

Just felt like sharing those with you all. In other news, my mood is still low. This morning I did not want to go to work, was dreading it, and all the way here on the bus and train I was thinking about getting off, going to a bottle shop (off-licence) and buying a litre bottle of vodka and then lying down in a park or cemetery somewhere. My bus passes a nice cemetery. It's lush and green and has lots of those very old headstones with the worn-off writing. It looks peaceful in there.

I have two reasons for NOT adding Lamogitrine/Lamictal to my medicinal regime. One, I know it's expensive as it's not on the PBS except if you need it for epilepsy. Recently I found out Sairs from This Lunatic Express is stopping taking it because it's so expensive. SO frustrating when medicine we need is not subsidised by the government. My second reason is that I want to keep Lamictal "up my sleeve" for the next time Cymbalta poops out and stops working. If I start Lamictal now, then what will happen to me in six, twelve months time when I need extra meds??

But I am wondering if the extra Cymbalta is making much difference. I feel perhaps 20% better some of the time. Maybe I just need to give it more time. It's been what...two weeks? Three? I think I need to keep going with it for at least six weeks in order to get the full benefit of the increase. I need to work harder with my thought processes to calm myself and control my impulses.

A good thing that happened last week was my birthday presents from my bestie H arrived from Melbourne. They are awesome!! She sent me this hilarious book called The Action Heroine's handbook, which shows you how to wrestle a man with your bare legs, jump out of a moving train, make molotov cocktails and lots more action heroine stuff. It's great. Another book she sent me is a travel guide for Bangkok as Neil and I are planning a trip to Thailand next November. The parcel included a Hello Kitty furry beanie, Barbie stationery, Bio Oil, a Buddha and heaps more. She is definitely my favourite gift giver! H recently started a blog, by the way, called For The Good, The Bad & The Fugly. Her blogger name is Rainbow B and you should check it out. She's not quite as mental as me and probably will swear more because I try not to in blogland (even though I am a potty mouth in real life).

I went out to the movies last night with my ex-housemate and another one of my BFFs (I have three), Michelle. We saw Bridesmaids and cacked ourselves laughing. It was really funny, and a little crass, and had an adorably cute guy in it. Which always helps! I am incredibly lucky to have my three real-life besties. I thank the universe for them every day. Especially H and Michelle, who both know what it's like to suffer from depression and anxiety. I also adore my blogworld friends, who get me and know me just as well but in different ways. H and I are real-life friends now, but we met in blog world through a Dr Phil website in 2005. So you never know where our awesome blog friendships will end up! I am hoping some day to get to the US/Canada and UK to meet some of my blog pals. And over to the eastern states of Australia to meet up with Sairs and Bec and Miz PRN!

all the small things

Here's a Cat Versus Human comic I had to share, as it emphasises to me why a lot of us mentally interesting folk love our kittehs and goggies (dogs for those of you unfamiliar with LOLcat lingo!).

My cat Charly is usually in two minds about my depression. She HATES me crying and sniffling but she loves to lay in bed with me for hours. Regardless, there is no doubt she makes me feel better most of the time. For this one of her middle names is "Prozac" (full name Charly Louise Feral Beryl Prozac S). I know I'm not alone, as I've read other bloggers comments on their pets and how beneficial they are to our mental health.

This is one of those "Gratitude" posts I'm trying out, and at the top of my list of things to be thankful for is animals -particularly cats. Here's some other stuff to be going on with...

REASONS TO SMILE

1. Animals, esp cats. And especially those viral videos I get sent like the one with the owl and the kitten playing, and the mama cat comforting the kitten who had a nightmare. Could those things get any cuter???

2. Buffy. We finished our seven season marathon, and as always I cried at the end. The girl power, all women are slayers, theme is just awesome. I wish I was as kick arse as Buffy and Willow!

3. Movies. My favourite past-time. I saw X Men First Class and it rocked!! Though disappointing that the female mutants were evil )-: I like Storm from the other movies, but she didn't make an appearance.

4. Neil. I'm the luckiest woman in the world, I swear. He is patient and kind and decent. And a hunk of spunk (Aussie slang for a hottie LOL).

5. No Doz (caffiene tablets). Thank you for keeping me alert and awake at work!!

6. Roller Derby. It's brilliant! We're going again on the day before my birthday - 18 June. Great present, huh?! Those women are so tough and cool!

7. My boss Jan (he's a man, it's pronounced "Yarn" - Polish origin). Even though I have had so many sick days lately, he's supportive and understanding. I never worry about calling him, I know he'll be ok and not make me feel guilty or lazy. He doesn't know about the mental illness, but I believe he would be okay with that too.

8. The Madosphere. I love my blogger friends, and learn new things and feel new things every day from your terrific writing. Keep it up guys!

I have some challenges in my life at the moment (having the flu on top of lupus, anaemia, etc, is not fun) but I'm glad I took the time to note some positives. I think I should write down some of this stuff and read it every morning when I wake up, because it's getting harder and harder to motivate myself to get the hell out of bed. Brain = fizzy, body = shaky but I am still fighting y'all!

how many times could you have blown a kiss...

...but instead you swung your fist? My favourite band at the moment are The View, and that line is from their song "Beautiful". I like that line because it sums up how much of life is choice, and how much choice affects our self-esteem. I am trying to be more positive this week, in an attempt to re-wire my mind/body connection and perhaps feel healthier. Wish me luck!

In the spirit of such things, I am copying some of my favourite bloggers (Sarah at This Lunatic Express and D'Arty at Living In Iowa as well as the fabulous Wandering Coyote) and writing a post about the positive things in my life. It may end up being short haha! But it's something I don't "do", and should. I am grateful for a lot, and need to focus on that rather than feeling sorry for myself. So here goes.

• My relationship with my angel Neil is healthy, and happy, and he's a damn fine bloke. I'm lucky!



• Biological Family continues to be a positive experience, after many years of the opposite. My mum is finally in therapy, which is great for her but also the rest of us (-:



• We recently got a new addition to the family, Roxy - an 18 month old cat who belongs to Neil's son Jarrad but is equally loved by all of us. Except my cat Charly, who is not one to play well with others... Here's Roxy...

• My ten pin bowling team No Deal are placed second in our league, and considering we are an all-girl team that's pretty awesome! Traditionally men bowl better than women, apparently. Blah.



• Michelle (my former housemate) and I have tickets to the Roller Derby on May 21st which will be freakin' wicked!!



• I no longer have to take valium regularly to survive work, even though I'm working fulltime. It's a fairly dull job, but worthwhile, and I'm left alone doing it. It's quiet and low stress.



• I have an appointment with Doctor Graeme, my lovely GP, on Friday and will be able to organise some blood tests and a referral to my Immunologist Doctor Paul. Steps towards better health!



• I am incredibly fortunate to have support from this madosphere, the mental health bloggers, who are terrific and wise and funny and brave. Thank you!

I have to admit, I feel happier for having made that list. It cancels out all the worries and stresses I normally have on my mind. Maybe I will have to make it a regular thing. Neil and I are currently in the midst of a Buffy The Vampire Slayer marathon, after seeing the original movie on television a couple of weeks ago. I have all the DVDs (and Angel). My latest saying has become "What Would Buffy Do??" when I get negative. While I'm not planning on taking up staking or kick boxing, having an attitude of strength and survival is all-too-important.

A New Favourite

These comics are from my new favourite website www.catversushuman.blogspot.com

The creator is a supercool girl from San Francisco named Yasmine. I want to be her friend. I want to BE her.

Though I have just two cats (one of whom lives with her grandmother because she can't play nice with her sister) I am definitely a crazy cat lady...

Passionate Blogger Award

Thank you Sarah (at This Lunatic Express) for this lovely recognition. I am passionate about blogging, it really helps me to keep the loony at bay, and reading all the blogs I have on my reading list is a big part of that. Like Sarah says, it's hard to choose just five to pass it on to but I decided to look at some of my new(er) contacts in blogging. Here are my choices:

Matthew at Chronic Impending Disaster (even if he DID post that internet dating was for the desperate LOL)
Arifaery at Fighting Labels
MissFlame1 at My Life & Challenges So Far
Lady Amanda at Living With An Invisible Disability (this lady has one of the biggest and warmest hearts in the blogosphere)
Bipolar Geminate

Y'all know I love and adore you - keep up the great blogging and help us all TRY to stay sane(ish).

Happy 200

I can't believe this blog has been going for more than a year, which means my "official" BPD diagnosis is also more than a year old. It's my 200th post today - and I want to say a massive thank you to all my readers and commenters. Having you guys around has made the last year a LOT more enjoyable, and I hope some of my ramblings have helped other people to feel more sane LOL, or less alone.

I feel as though I should do some kind of a retrospective to mark the 200th post. It's certainly amazing to me how much has changed, in my physical life as well as my mental/emotional life. Working hard with Doc A, and practising my CBT and DBT skills, and finding a good medication balance has meant that I can function fairly well most of the time. I've returned to work, moved out of my parents' house, and started dating. A year ago, none of these things seemed possible. I owe a lot to Doc A, and to my family and friends who have been supportive, but I am recognising how much of the work I did myself. I was determined to survive, and to even thrive, and even when I was most despairing, I hung on to the hope. Even in the darkest times, I focused on the tiny glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel, and I think that's what got me through. It gave me the strength to keep working at therapy and to resist the evil BPD voices in my head when they told me to binge eat, shop, pull out my hair, scratch my skin, obsess, scream...

There are times when I wonder if I can keep up the effort, but I get through them (occasionally with the help of a Valium LOL). Events of the past year have tested me, often, but I do feel like I have made progress and am functioning pretty well. As mentioned in an earlier post, Doc A says that if I came in now to see him for an initial consult he probably wouldn't place me in the same Borderline Personality Disorder category, that he would assume I was at worst a mild case. I am attached to my diagnosis, so I don't know how I feel about having it taken away!! It seems weird to think of myself as just Lil instead of Borderline Lil, even though I know that it makes perfect sense - I am not JUST my diagnoses, I am a complete and whole person underneath the crazy haha.

As an update to previous posts, I am still spending time with Lloyd, though part of me suspects he doesn't deserve me LOL. We are technically "friends", and see a lot of each other, and in many ways I'm happier without the relationship label. I am still in two minds about him, and our relationship, but being with him (mostly) makes me happy. It's weird that I'm almost 40 years old and am finally falling for an Unsuitable Boy. I always made sensible, rational choices when I actually committed myself to relationships in the past, even though some of my fantasy/obsession/crushes were kind of out there. But something about Lloyd makes me retract all my feminist beliefs and my rational decisions. My friends and family think I deserve better, intellectually I know that he needs to step up and be a man, but there is a big part of me that just loves him, you know? As much as I don't want to, and I'm fighting it, I just want him to love me.

Ugh. I can't even stand the sound of myself!! It's stupid. I'm hopeful that his hold on me will dissipate, somehow, sometime, and I'll be able to move on. Til then, I just focus on the good stuff.

and i'll be willin' to be movin'

Surreal though it is, I am all moved in. I feel kind of like a teenager leaving for college, without the frat parties and pillow fights, and with three nervous breakdowns and a mess of medications on my resume. In short, it's scary. No money, no family support, no hitching a lift wherever I want to go. I'm ashamed to admit that in my former daily routine my mom doled out everyone's various medications and vitamin supplements, including mine, and this morning when I had to lay out my own meds I thought I was going to cry. Pathetic!! The thing is, I KNOW I have to suck it up and cope, and I know that once I get used to flying solo it will be fun and exhilirating and inspiring (the way it used to be, back before the Mr Ex days). But this adjustment period is tough, you know? Being with Michelle is awesome, so that's one benefit, and this morning I got to work in less than half the time it usually takes. This is me, Lil, focusing on the positives...

Anyway, I am happy with how things are in the new place, everything fits (kind of) and everything looks good (mostly). Basically I have FAR TOO MUCH CRAP, and am planning to cull some of it over the next couple of months. One of the problems with living in large houses, as I've done for ten years, is that I never threw anything out -- consequently, I found a lot of things while unpacking that I thought "What??" Stupidly, one of the things I found was my quarter-written book about I. Oliver, and even more stupidly I re-read the thing and no doubt that contributed to my slightly dark mood. Decent writing, but such a sad time in my life.

We don't have internet connection at home yet, so I am having to check emails, blog, etc from work, so forgive me if I'm not around as much. I also am having issues commenting on Blogger blogs, for some strange reason - it comes up saying error on page. Hannah and Ruby Tuesday, I particularly wanted to send big loves to you both but have been unable ): I also can't seem to comment on my own posts, hence the clumsy edit situation on my previous post. Is this why people have been abandoning Blogger for Wordpress?? Can't say I blame them, as it's driving me to distraction.

(Linda Rondstadt - "Willin'")

this is the last day of our acquaintance

Something that I didn't anticipate when I joined this cracked bunch of mental health bloggers is how darn FOND I would become of y'all. Consequently, I've been majorly bummed out lately to find a few of my blogging friends have either deleted their blogs or abandoned them. I also clicked some of the blogrolls of my regular visited sites and found a fair few of their links also led me to the ubiquitous "site not found" message. In my research, I've discovered there's an actual term for it - "blog abandonment".

I know it happens. People move on, get lives, get committed (ha!), find other outlets. I read somewhere that 60-80% of blogs are abandoned within the first month, and that the average lifespan of the 20-40% that survive is seven months. In my other blog-life, (2 years as part of the weight loss surgery community) people regularly come and go from my comments and followers pages. But somehow, it doesn't feel as sad. I think the way in which I connect to, and support, mental health bloggers is much more real to me. Which no doubt says more about ME than about anything else lol. Did I ever mention my pathological fear of abandonment??

I miss you, my lost bloggers - especially Belinda, Kate and John. If you're still lurking about and reading, you know who you are and know that I wish you well. I hope that the things that took you away from the blogs I loved are good, healthy, happy, positive things. I hope you are thriving, or at least surviving.

(*today's post title is from the awesome Sinead O'Connor song of the same name)

This One's For Coyote and Juno

I made the top LOLCAT from a photo of my cat Sami - I heard Wandering Coyote might be in need of a new therapist and most of us agree cats make the best doctors. Then the second LOLCAT is one I saw today at www.icanhascheezburger.com and I instantly thought of the beautiful and voluptuous Juno and her BLFD.

Wandering Coyote's blog was the first one I found, back in Jan/Feb when I was struggling with my psychotic breakdown and eventual diagnosis with Borderline Personality Disorder. I googled "California Rocket Fuel", the medication combo I was on (Effexor and Mirtazapine), and lo and behold I found a kindred spirit. Coyote found herself a stalker hahahahaha. Jokes. No, really! Through Coyote I found my other blogging friends, all of whom have helped me navigate my way to semi-sanity. I just wanted to say thanks, and to reassure her that even on days when she feels like shit she means the world to me (to us, yeah?).

Awards

Thank you, Anonymous Drifter, for this friendship award

And thanks to Just Be Real for this cute award

I first starting blogging a couple of years ago, when I started planning to have weight loss surgery. At the time, there were very few blogs by people who'd had the type of surgery I chose, and I knew I could provide info and support as well as keeping a record for myself. It's been a great experience, and a number of people have emailed me through that blog and have pursued surgery for themselves. The WLS community is quite supportive, and I am still happy to be a part of it.

I have to say, though, that the mental health bloggers I've met this year, since my latest breakdown and diagnosis, have far surpassed any other community in terms of support and friendship. I don't know what I would have done, literally, without your blogs and emails and comments. Never before has it been more important that I feel connected to people, and understood -- and it has made a huge difference.

Just though it was time to say that. I am (in general) tired, strung out and loopy so may not have the wherewithal to post anything of note. But being able to visit and read everyone's blogs makes the day pass a little better.