Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Sunday, October 25, 2009

they call me mellow yellow, quite rightly

Greetings friends, my apologies for not updating sooner. Yes, the new medication (Solian) is working well - reducing the hair pulling and binge impulses, definitely reduced anger, and I am sleeping a lot better. It's a low dose but a good 'un! I see Dr A on Wednesday, after his month in Europe, and will be happy to report that things are fairly good. Certainly better than a couple of weeks ago.

My friend Michelle and I have our plans to move out together well underway. Sometime between now and February we'll be sharing a small house or a duplex/unit (I think y'all in the US call it a condo, like an apartment but bigger and usually with ground floor access?). We've seen a couple of places, and have narrowed down our search to a few key suburbs - all of which are closer to work than here. I am completely OVER the 1.5 - 2 hr bus trip each way. We looked at a place on Friday that was 10 mins walk away from work but sadly it had no bathtub and was suffering from a semi-permanent mould invasion. Ugh. I am so excited about living with Michelle, who is my closest friend and someone I can be honest with. She has been staying here on and off over the last few weeks and the more time I spend with her the more I am convinced that rooming together makes great sense financially as well as emotionally. Now we just have to find somewhere!

I start a three week course tomorrow on Flower Essences and herbal remedies, which is something my mom and I are interested in. It'll be nice to do the course with her, and I am also booked into a goal setting course next month. Hopefully I will still feel well enough to do the course by then...the problem with feeling well is that sometimes I commit myself to things that I end up regretting!

So far, the only side effect I've felt from the Solian is a dry mouth, and the fact that I'm slightly drowsy - but as I take it before bed anyway, that's no biggie. I'm finding that slightly numb effect to be welcome, even though mentally I struggle with the idea of blunting and how it detaches me from my necessary emotions of anger, frustrations, etc. I think that for the next few months, to find accommodation for next year and to finish my two courses as well as complete the semester at work, I need all the help I can get. Dr A says the ultimate goal is to reduce or stop medication completely, but it may take years to get there. I am so impatient, want everything now now now now now haha!! But I am trying to look at this as an investment, and will take the anti-psychotic while it helps.

Spending time with my friends and family has kept me away from my virtual world, and I MISS YOU ALL! Hope to catch up soon.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

why is the last mile the hardest mile?

Three weeks ago Dr A gave me a prescription for an atypical antipsychotic, and tonight I started taking amisulpride (aka Solian). I wasn't keen to start a new medication while Doc was lazing on a beach in Portugal, but really, the last week has been hellish and I'm hoping for some kind of miracle. It's a low dose, but it's possible that it will help to stablise my moods and help with the trichotillomania, binge eating, angry freakouts, etc. When he wrote the script Dr A said it could keep me up all night, or help me sleep, and I'm desperately hoping it'll be the latter. So damn tired, so sick of the nightmares I'm having.

I took a personal day off from work today, after waking up with that utterly helpless feeling, knowing I would not be able to summon the strength to face the world. I spent the morning writing a list of all the crap I have to worry about, which (weirdly enough) helped. I'm now attempting to prioritise these things, and will work through them one at a time. Sigh. My dog had to have $500 worth of x-rays a couple of weeks ago, after rupturing her cruciate ligament jumping down from her groomer's table for goodness sake! Whose dog DOES that? So unfortunately, my divorce is temporarily on hold. But I still plan on doing it as soon as I save up the money again. I have also contacted Mr Ex regarding a few loose ends, possessions, etc, and it felt quite decent to be assertive. I am still overwhelmed with resentment and anger about a lot of things regarding our marriage/his lies. And I suppose one day that will all have to be dealt with.

I logged on here today and found I had one less follower. Nick Drake just the last straw, huh? LOL. My friend Kate once mentioned how easy it is as a blogger to place stock on who has you on their blog lists, and who follows you, and she is (as usual) right. It sucks that someone abandoned me while I was down!! I'm kidding, but you know what I mean, right? I have another friend who warned me, and rightly so, about the indulging in melancholy music when I'm already feeling low. I'm terribly prone to that, so have avoided all tear-jerking emo type music today! Apart from the blog post title, which is courtesy of Morrissey.

One of the bright moments in the last week has been my kick arse friends, in the real world and the virtual. It helps so much to know other people know what the black dog looks like, and how persistently he hangs around hoping for some scraps of sadness. Another bright spot was seeing Whip It - a movie that may be responsible for my unattractive and clumsy entry to the sport of roller derby!! If only I could a) skate, b) think of a good derby name and c) wear fishnets without resembling an overstuffed bag of oranges. LOVED the movie and am determined to live the tagline - BE YOUR OWN HERO!

Monday, October 12, 2009

black eyed dog he knew my name

Nick Drake was born on June 19 - the same date as me and Heath Ledger was born in Perth, Western Australia - the same city as me. It's weird how things overlap, and the fact that one of the last things Heath Ledger worked on before he died was a tribute film clip to my favourite Nick Drake song definitely gives me a shiver or two.

Things are tenuous here, as my posting of this clip suggests. But I know that I can wait out the blues and things will improve again. So much to say, so little energy to describe it properly. It's mundane and parochial but hey, it's my life. Managing to eat (a little too much), sleep (somewhat less than the necessary amount), go to work (if begrudgingly) and stave off bankruptcy (for the moment). All else resides in the too hard basket, and I apologise for my lack of substance around y'all's blogs lately. I will be back. In Nick Drake's words things will be Bryter Layter.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

the story is old, I know, but it goes on*

A friend of mine, John at, wrote a short story once that said, in part : There's just something missing right now. I'm not sure what it is. But whatever it is, it's not fuckin' there. A big void in my soul that I've tried to fill with every single kind of nonsense that I can possibly think of. This statement has always struck a chord with me, as it describes the way I've felt all my life. It explains SO MANY poor choices...the wrong men I pursued, in the wrong ways...the terrible/wonderful substances with which I've abused my body...the obsessions, hobbies, compulsions, images, personas, vendettas, friendships, all of which inevitably failed to fill that void that I call the Big BPD Empty.

It's only now, nine months after my official diagnosis with Borderline Personality Disorder, that I am starting to feel the void getting smaller. And it's amazing to me that I never realised the way to heal my heart was from the inside out. Always wanting to push/shove/stuff things IN to myself, there wasn't room for the growth of what wanted to come OUT. That sounds slightly gross, lol, I swear this isn't one of my posts about bodily functions! I guess what I am trying, poorly, to say is that all along the substance that was needed to fill my Big Empty was stuff that already existed in ME. It's not one thing, it seems to be a grunge-coloured mixture of fury, joy, terror and rapture at the moment... but it's definitely true and real and all that hippy stuff haha. It seems like the more work I do at finding out how I really feel and think about things (my self, my life), the less that void threatens to engulf me.

I had my last session with Dr A this week before his month-long vacation - now I'm flying solo for four weeks, when I usually see him once a week. I think it's a good opportunity for me to see how I travel without him to keep me on track, and maybe it will all go down the tubes by the end of October but there's a good chance it won't. Although I've never been a member of AA I know enough to be able to quote one of the sayings of the 12 Steppers - "it works if you work it". That definitely applies to my battle against the Big Empty. Even though sometimes I would rather stay in bed and/or drink gin and/or eat a truckload of junkfood and/or pull my hair out by the handful I know that the hard work is where the reward lies. Damn it.

(*The Smiths - Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me)