Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Tuesday, January 31, 2012

i really don't know clouds at all

Sorry for the prolonged absence. I have no reason nor excuse. Time passes, my mood waxes and wanes like the, or with the, moon. Christmas and New Year were fairly quiet, but fun, with no family fallouts which is always a positive.

I have just today and tomorrow at my old job and then Feb 13th I start at the Department of Immigration & Citizenship - a well paid, entry-level administration position which I'm HUGELY looking forward to. I'm hoping my level of absenteeism improves. If I'm honest, and where else would I tell the truth but here, I miss at least one day a week. I make up excuses rather than tell my beloved boss that I suffer from anxiety and depression. I also suffer from honest-to-goodness laziness. I wake up in the morning and feel so damn tired, I literally can't get out of bed. I don't know whether it's the lupus, or the anemia, the depression or just avoidance.

I miss Doc A. I haven't told you guys this, but the last time I saw him (early November) he kind of broke up with me )-: He says I don't need heavy duty therapy anymore, that my BPD is in remission/recovery and I can just check in with him now and again for medication review and prescriptions. Obviously he left the final decision up to me, if I freaked out and said I needed to see him once a week or once a month he would still be there for me. But he suggested one visit per three to six months. I feel okay about it, but I do miss him. I miss being able to bounce things off him and get his feedback on stuff. I am supposed to be seeing a psychologist for my Binge Eating Disorder but have not got around to organising the appointment. She's young, and a woman, so I'm not keen LOL.

Overall, I am handling life fairly well apart from my missing work. The BPD is definitely out of the picture at the moment, hopefully permanently. I feel up and down sometimes, but not the crippling up and down I've suffered in the past. Mostly, the medication (Cymbalta 120mg, Amisuplride 100mg) and my coping skills keep me stable. I get triggered still, which pisses me off. I've been thinking about changing my relationship with the madosphere...maybe even closing down my blog and moving on. I find it harder and harder to read some of the blogs I follow and as much as I want to comment, I'm kind of blocked. Pain can be contagious, you know? There is a suicide all over the news today, and I am obsessively reading every detail while resisting my own selfharm urges. Part of me wonders if I would be healthier without contact with other people's pain. But part of me wonders how I would cope without my blog friends and the support I get from being part of this world. Truthfully, though, things are different now than they were when I started here three years ago. A large number of my friends, who used to blog a lot themselves and comment on my posts, don't hang out here any more. But I've made some lovely new friends, which is awesome!

I think this year, the Year of the Dragon, is going to contain a lot of transitions for me. Change is my buzzword. I'm starting to follow some non-mental health related blogs and may even change the name/content/outlook of my blog rather than desert it entirely. Any feedback would be appreciated, and I don't mean I am fishing for compliments or pleas for me to stay (-: Does anyone else in recovery struggle with over-empathising with others' struggles and triggering from painful posts? I wonder if that's why some of the friends I used to know have moved on or refocused their interest...

I try not to think that they left the madosphere because the demons finally claimed them.