Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Friday, July 23, 2010

a boy, a girl and a rendezvous

Firstly, a big thank you to Jen Daisybee from Suicidal No More for the I Choose to Live Award. This means a lot, as I really do believe living, and living well, is a choice and it's a choice I make every day. For those of you who haven't checked out Jen's blog, please do so - she is an incredibly inspiring writer who deals with Schizoaffective Disorder as well as some other difficulties.
Things have been steadily improving for me, and I am prepared to confess that I may in fact be a little bit "in lurve". It's someone entirely new, who I have only known for two weeks, but so far things are going amazingly well. There are no "buts", no negatives, no clarifications and best of all no qualms from him about being in a relationship. I decided two weeks ago to end things with Anthony, as he was determinedly casual and noncommittal, and seemed to prefer to just take things as they came rather than make plans. It just didn't suit me, and I had started to email my new man (Neil) and felt there was real potential there. We (Neil and I) have been completely honest and upfront from the start, and as a result have become close very quickly. We've had three dates since we met, and each one is more relaxed, more fun and more romantic than the last. He confessed to me that he is looking for true love, which is the first time I've heard that this year. The ten men I have met/dated this year have been predominantly reluctant to even mention love, let alone actively pursue it, so Neil is refreshingly different. On our first date, he bought me a gorgeous teddy bear, and has texted and/or called me every day since we met. He calls me babe and sweetheart. He tells me I make him smile. He does what he says he will, when he says he will.
I know it's early, but I really think this one might be a keeper. We'll see! The finding out is the fun part, anyway!!
I saw Doc A this week for the first time in a month; he has been in Germany for the First International Congress on BPD. He came back with heaps of interesting info, such as Abilify is the "go to" medication they've found for BPD + depression, but BPD without depression does not typically respond well to medication. They discussed DBT (Marsha Linehan was a keynote speaker) and MBT and TBT (this last one is what Doc A says he and I do, it's Transference Behavioural Therapy), and all three have major merit and success in treatment according to the Congress. One of the interesting things is that pharmaceutical companies had very little input into the Conference, which meant that the outcomes and topics weren't as skewed as other Conferences. Doc A is very much against what he calls the "pharmaceutical industry merry-go-round" and refuses to see drug reps at his practice. I'm so lucky to have found such a kick arse doctor. Really makes a big difference.
Hope this finds everyone hanging in there and maybe even doing well xx
Today's title is from Belle and Sebastian's Women's Realm - one of my all-time favourite songs.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

round and round and round in the circle game

I seem to be struggling to keep up with blogging these days. Not much going on in the day-to-day sense, some whole days pass by with nothing remarkable to report, but it's more a lack of interest than a lack of something to say. I think blogging, for me, is a seasonal thing, or it's at least mood-based. I definitely come and go from here, and from the blogs of my online friends, and even though I think of you all regularly, it's sometimes hard to find the time and the energy to log on.

Perhaps it's because I am spending more time dating these days - both in real-life and online. My beau Anthony is still in the picture, and I still really like him, however we've been discussing open relationships and in theory I support the idea. I was monogamous for ten years, and it was reeeeeaaaaaally difficult, and part of me now believes that having a primary relationship with supplementary partners is the way to go. It's controversial, I know, and requires a huge level of trust and communication in the primary relationship. And it can't be just because one person wants it open, it has to be agreed upon by both parties. But a large part of me believes that it's not necessary to embrace monogamy "just because". Just because it's the done thing, or the option society encourages, or the thing most people do, doesn't mean it's the best option for me. Anthony and I are not exclusive, yet, maybe never will be, and so I am dating a couple of other people as well. It feels good, and everyone is aware of everyone else, and no-one is being set up for hurt (I hope, especially hope not me LOL).

Whether or not Anthony and I end up as primary partners in an open relationship, or whether I end up committed and monogamous with someone else, remains to be seen. Anthony has admitted being open to the idea of monogamy, with the right person and in the right circumstance, so I suppose that's an option too. We've been seeing each other for a month, and it's fairly casual, more casual than I would like if I'm honest. I am intense kind of person, as y'all know, and to see each other once or twice a week is not my ideal. Which may be one of the reasons why I am keen to have other men in my life...

One of my other guys, Mitch, has two kids aged 4 and 5, which is quite scary for me. I'm not sure if I'm "stepmother" material... I like him a lot, though, and I'm sure his kids are adorable. We had our first date on Saturday night and talked for hours, went bowling and had dinner and coffee. We have a lot in common, more than I first thought when I was matched with him, and even though Anthony is still my Number One, Mitch could definitely work his way up Lil's Dating Chart.

Healthwise, I am relatively stable and happy. I think my current medication mix is a good one, and even though Doc A is away in Germany for a couple of weeks I am hanging in there. He definitely doesn't agree with the polyamory/open relationship idea, by the way! He thinks it triggers one of the primary BPD issues of rejection/abandonment and would make me even more "hypervigilant" about any partner I had. He has a point, darn it, but I am still open to the idea. If I become well, and BPD-recovered, then hopefully hypervigilance will be a thing of the past, along with the BS of abandonment/rejection. Man, do I ever live in hope...