Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Thursday, July 21, 2011

dancing with myself

Since I last wrote a few things of note have happened.

1. I went to hospital with what turned out to be a gallbladder attack. I have gallstones, lots of them, and will probably have to have the gallbladder out sometime in the next year. Because of my weight being over 120kg I can only be operated on in the two largest public hospitals in Perth which means an extended time on the waiting list. Or I wait until my private health insurance matures in March 2012. Hopefully I can just avoid another attack. It was the most excrutiating pain. One of my BFs (who has four kids and had her gallbladder out last year) says it's a pain worse than childbirth.

2. Neil and I went out to dinner to celebrate one year together! I had a smallish steak and salad and a cocktail, which didn't interrupt my healthy eating plan too much. So far (almost 3 weeks) I've lost 5kg, which is something to celebrate too.

3. Mood wise, I have been hanging in there. Weirdly, or perhaps not so weird, it seems that eating better has improved my state of mind. Probably the extra dosage of Cymbalta is also working. Needless to say, the suicidal thoughts and desperate jitters have subsided and I haven't needed to take a Valium for a couple of weeks now. Phew. Crisis averted?

4. I saw on Catherine's Marmite on Toast blog that she had a link to her 43 Things. Having wanted to do a "Bucket List" for a while, I took the opportunity to copy the lovely Catherine and do my own 43 Things. You can find it here. Some of the things I intend to do while on this earth are: become a runner, visit South America, learn swing dancing, drink more water and meet Joshua Jackson!!! An eclectic mix LOL.

My apologies for such a dull, pedestrian post. Such is my life just now, and I must say I'm somewhat relieved.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

every tear's a waterfall

I made a momentous decision last week. I decided that enough was enough with regard to my binge eating and weight gain and have re-started my healthy eating and weight removal journey. I feel self-conscious and triggery talking about it, knowing that a number of my friends in the madosphere are dealing with eating disorders and the like. But it had to be done, guys.

Three and a half years ago I paid a LOT of money to have weight loss surgery and while I lost weight (50kg/100 pounds), I've since regained a significant amount. My bingeing is out of control. I am obsessed with junk food. I eat for comfort, boredom, relaxation. These things are not healthy, and I've kind of let them go while I worked on some mental health issues.

Now I'm relatively stable, mentally, I am hoping to find the wherewithall to tackle my eating.

I've restarted my other blog, renaming it Borderline Lil's Losing Weight. Feel free to visit over there or not. I won't be offended!

I am on meal replacement shakes/bars at the moment, which is a medical intervention for obesity and only supposed to be used under supervision. It's a very low calorie (approx 800 cal per day) diet, with the only solid food I'm eating being two cups of low starch vegies per day. So far (this is day six) it's going okay. There's an element of relief...I HATE my addiction to food, my obsessive behaviour towards it, so I'm glad to have the decision making on my meals taken away for now. Reintroducing food, in 12 weeks, will be a challenge I'm sure.

I'm planning to go back for a visit to my weight loss surgeon Gorgeous Jon to see if I need revision of my surgery, or how he can help me otherwise.

I'm fairly certain I have stretched out my reduced stomach, and whether this can be fixed or not, I've no idea. The meal replacement diet will help that, I hope. And I have completely removed junk food and takeaway from my life for now, even though in the end I hope to occasionally be able to enjoy it without going to extremes.

I have also made an appointment with a binge eating specialist, who does hypnotherapy and NLP (neuro-linguistic programming). I've ordered a binge eating book from the internet which is recommended by a lot of doctors and pdocs - it's based in CBT and has a complete programme that goes with it.

What's funny is that I KNOW THIS IS BPD-esque ALL OR NOTHING THINKING!!! But I've decided to USE the all or nothing extreme behaviour in my favour for once, and do something proactive. I'm trying to positively channel my obsessiveness into weight loss and healthy eating.

This is just an update, and I don't imagine I will talk much on this blog about the health plan. I am conscious of my ED friends and their issues, and would never want to negatively affect them/you. But I wanted to share this big change with my friends! And I hope you will all wish me luck (-: