Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Tuesday, January 31, 2012

i really don't know clouds at all

Sorry for the prolonged absence. I have no reason nor excuse. Time passes, my mood waxes and wanes like the, or with the, moon. Christmas and New Year were fairly quiet, but fun, with no family fallouts which is always a positive.

I have just today and tomorrow at my old job and then Feb 13th I start at the Department of Immigration & Citizenship - a well paid, entry-level administration position which I'm HUGELY looking forward to. I'm hoping my level of absenteeism improves. If I'm honest, and where else would I tell the truth but here, I miss at least one day a week. I make up excuses rather than tell my beloved boss that I suffer from anxiety and depression. I also suffer from honest-to-goodness laziness. I wake up in the morning and feel so damn tired, I literally can't get out of bed. I don't know whether it's the lupus, or the anemia, the depression or just avoidance.

I miss Doc A. I haven't told you guys this, but the last time I saw him (early November) he kind of broke up with me )-: He says I don't need heavy duty therapy anymore, that my BPD is in remission/recovery and I can just check in with him now and again for medication review and prescriptions. Obviously he left the final decision up to me, if I freaked out and said I needed to see him once a week or once a month he would still be there for me. But he suggested one visit per three to six months. I feel okay about it, but I do miss him. I miss being able to bounce things off him and get his feedback on stuff. I am supposed to be seeing a psychologist for my Binge Eating Disorder but have not got around to organising the appointment. She's young, and a woman, so I'm not keen LOL.

Overall, I am handling life fairly well apart from my missing work. The BPD is definitely out of the picture at the moment, hopefully permanently. I feel up and down sometimes, but not the crippling up and down I've suffered in the past. Mostly, the medication (Cymbalta 120mg, Amisuplride 100mg) and my coping skills keep me stable. I get triggered still, which pisses me off. I've been thinking about changing my relationship with the madosphere...maybe even closing down my blog and moving on. I find it harder and harder to read some of the blogs I follow and as much as I want to comment, I'm kind of blocked. Pain can be contagious, you know? There is a suicide all over the news today, and I am obsessively reading every detail while resisting my own selfharm urges. Part of me wonders if I would be healthier without contact with other people's pain. But part of me wonders how I would cope without my blog friends and the support I get from being part of this world. Truthfully, though, things are different now than they were when I started here three years ago. A large number of my friends, who used to blog a lot themselves and comment on my posts, don't hang out here any more. But I've made some lovely new friends, which is awesome!

I think this year, the Year of the Dragon, is going to contain a lot of transitions for me. Change is my buzzword. I'm starting to follow some non-mental health related blogs and may even change the name/content/outlook of my blog rather than desert it entirely. Any feedback would be appreciated, and I don't mean I am fishing for compliments or pleas for me to stay (-: Does anyone else in recovery struggle with over-empathising with others' struggles and triggering from painful posts? I wonder if that's why some of the friends I used to know have moved on or refocused their interest...

I try not to think that they left the madosphere because the demons finally claimed them.


Pixie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pixie said...

Oh my god, that was really shit, wasn't it?! Please forgive me. I don't know where I was at 7 this morning. Not here, anyway. Right.

Lil-Lil, I am so pleased that things are settling. I know you must miss Doc, but you are so strong, so brave, and so wonderful. And I am mighty mighty proud! And as for the job, sock it to them, girl. Show them how bloody wonderful you are.

Sorry about my sweariness. I am appalled with my earlier response. Appalled. Hope you got the email.

Love you, Lil-Lil. Muchly.

xxx P

(word verification: Doloo. I think that is what I was this morning ;-) Good word.)

Catherine said...

Dear Lil,

I am so glad things are going so well for you. I know that hearing others pain can be both good and bad for each of us individually, it is important to do what is best for you and I support you either way.

I love blogging, and if you do too I think you should continue and make it something that fits in your current place in life, remember you can always change it!

Congrats on the job sweet, I hope it all goes well!

Sending love and the best wishes,


amy said...

"I look at clouds...from both sides now..." oh Joni
You know I've been in the mood for a long time now to change my blogging too. I've decided to start interviewing poets and poetry and bloggers instead of me all the time. I need to get outa my head. Very few blogs trigger me but who knows I probably dissociate, why not? I'm sort of obsessing over the science of mental illnesses over the emotions--I think it's intriguing. Maybe too much. Are you going to give up the topic all together?

Sairs said...

I've missed you so much! I did see you comment on my blog a week ago or so but I'm so glad to read that you are doing so much better congrats :) I find it hard to read painful posts. I do find them triggering and I tend to just close the window straight away if it's too much. Congrats on the job, you deserve it my friend :)

one brave duck said...

congrats on the new job. my blog has been many things over the years, poetry, photography, bipolar, depression related... my readership comes and goes as i switch focus. i think if you follow your heart you can't go wrong. the changes will feel natural. c.

Jen Daisybee said...

Congratulations on the new job!! I am so proud of you! You should be proud of yourself for doing so well with finding a new place and a job you'll like that pays well too.

I understand about not wanting to blog, or not being sure you want to blog, about mental illness anymore. I go through periods where I don't feel like it because I'm busy or something. To be honest, I don't spend a lot of time reading other blogs because I just don't have the time but I can see where it would be overwhelming if you did it a lot. I do it when I can, and when I feel up to it. Maybe a solution for you would be to just write when you feel like it, and if that means going a couple months without writing, then so be it. And if you can't read other people's pain right now, or ever at all, then that is perfectly okay! I read other blogs when I can, and that is all I can do. I sometimes feel badly about it, because I wish I kept up with more of them more often, but it's just in the cards for me. Somehow some people still read mine, which is really nice of them! Like you!

So you're not the only one who feels like it's hard reading other people's pain. I can see what you mean about that. It might be good to read different types of blogs, and if you want to write on other topics besides M.I. then by all means, you should do so.

I love your blog and always have but I would support your decision to leave it if you felt that was what was best for you.

Take care, Lil!

Sairs said...

Lil, I would love to make a beanie for you. I am opening another Etsy store up for my knitted/crocheted stuff. Send me an email at and let me know if you want a small, medium or large. The one I was wearing was a small and it's only the difference of a row or two. I found the yarn I am using to be quite stretchy, so if you think you'd be a medium, I'd go small etc. If you were willing, I'd like to make you one because you have been such an awesome customer of mine on Etsy and it was so much fun to make and it gets me to practice my treble crochets :) What do you think?

ml said...

Congratulations on the job and I'm so glad that you've been doing better, even if it means that you're missing Doc A. This is progress.

You know that I also have the getting-up-in-the-morning troubles. How about if we keep each other in mind in the morning as a kind of support? Maybe it will work. I'll think of you, if you think of me :)

It is difficult to read others' pain and keep it separate from oneself. I fall into that quite a bit.
You must do what you think is best for you. Just please let us know if you move.
Best to you, Lil.

Catherine said...

Hello Lil,

I just wanted to let you know that my blog (Life Collection) was eaten by the monsters of the internet, so I created another blog at:

I would love to see you there, and you may want to change your side bar link as well.

I miss you!

xx, C

Kelly said...

I truly love your blog posts. I cannot say more than this as my words are absent from writing and reading too much this evening. I am an official 'follower' and look forward to new posts!!!

Jane said...

Oh Lil!!!
I wish we could chat on the phone so I could tell you how much I understand what you have talked about here. I've been on the blogs forever.... despite my everchanging identities which I'm sure have lost me friends along the way. I used to change blogs and shake off followers in fear of stalkers or people who will "find me out". That was years ago. I can't even access the admin to those old ones! But when I read in the comments, I find some of the same bloggers who I see around now. I think people do always come back around eventually. Once a blogger, always a blogger! Blogging changed my life. I would have been utterly alone and probably sicker if I didn't have blogging as a support and resource. For me, over time, I got better. And as I got better, I got busier. And as I got busier, I had less time or less energy to blog. I was thinking about that the other day. When you're busy, you use up mental energy too, and if you're not rapid cycling (like I used to) then you get depleted of energy. Which is totally normal. I have learned how normal energy levels work. Its quite incredible actually! When I didn't work and I was alone with my thoughts whether manic or depressed, blogging was the best thing for me to do. Now, Its a great thing to do, but it is a bit more taxing. Its more of an "extra-curriculalar" activity whereas before it was just a natural part of my life.

Over the years I have seen some people leave and I wondered because they didn't seem happy when they left. That worries me. I hope others stay around, like you, because relationships on the blogs are real. To me, they are. I often feel bad for not writing. I plan to write more. Its mostly been a lack of computer access for me this past year. That's changing so I anticipate blogging more now (with the makeover haha). I'm glad you are here and hope you continue blogging! Even if its to touch base. I'm probably always going to be doing the same.

Wow, that was the longest comment ever.

Manda said...

Hi Borderline Lil,

It's me Lady Amanda. I go by Manda now. Do you remember my old blog Living with a Invisible Disability? You gave me an award for it. Well, I have a new blog What comes next! I missed you and the blog world. Stop by and say hi. I promise that I am back for more exciting adventures!