Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself

(Ghandi)

Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Reinvented Self

The week continues on it's merry (somewhat TOO merry perhaps?) way. Sweeping the patio, walking the dog, cooking, cleaning, job interviews. It's all go at the L Ranch. There's a small and hellishly contrary part of my brain that is fighting it, still. I am trying to resist the inevitable analysis...is this energetic and cheerful person actually ME? Is it "normal" for me to feel hopeful, positive and motivated, all in one day? Is this one of those SSRI-related manias I've heard so much about? All I can do is be vigilant and document any out-of-character behaviours.

The medication is also supposed to have a positive effect on impulse behaviours; sadly so far my trilogy of tragedy (derm, trich, binge) are still firmly in place. But I have been able to go three or four days without harming in these ways, so I think the CBT is helping there. I am trying to distract myself and find other outlets. This week I started drawing, which I've always wanted to try - bought one of those "Drawing For Dummies" type books and so far I'm loving it. I am typically BPD in that I adore new hobbies haha!

Dr A has written a referral for me to have an MRI - apparently lupus/SLE can cause brain lesions and other nervous systems problems, and in 10% of lupus patients the disease causes personality disorders, depression and/or psychosis... Um, maybe that's something I would have found useful to know 5 years ago? Twenty years ago?? I seriously doubt that my lupus has impacted upon or caused my mental illness. Even if it has, the treatment (for the vasculitis or lesions) is masses of corticosteroids, which I refuse to take. But the knowledge will be powerful, just the same. I can't believe that the rheumotologist, haematologist, allergy specialist and previous psychiatrists have never mentioned an MRI...

10 comments:

Ruby Tuesday said...

Hi lil,
I think that your first paragraph shows a really good attitude to the tentative time seeing if meds are kicking in. I'm glad things are feeling a bit better, whatever the cause may be. x

LoopyKate said...

Nice to hear you are feeling positive. It could be the SSRIs but then that's their job. SSRI induced mania in my experience is a horrible state. You wouldn't be able to sit still for long enough to pick up a pencil, let alone draw anything.
I am too ignorant on the medical conditions to comment there . However, as someone who teaches illustration, I can only commmend your new found passion for drawing. I haven't checked out the drawing for dummies book but I'm sure it's good. I always recommend Betty Edward's to my students. She's great for getting you to look at the world in new and surprising ways.
K.x

tricia said...

I've got my fingers crossed for you Lil.

Borderline Lil said...

@Ruby - it's definitely about seeing how things go, even though I am SOO impatient!
@Kate - I've heard a lot about Betty Edwards, thanks for the recommendation. Will definitely look out for that one. And I'm happy to hear your opinion about the SSRI mania, it doesn't feel to me like I'm "drug-manic" but always nice to hear a 2nd opinion.
@Tricia - thank you!

Anonymous Drifter said...

It's good that you're experiencing an upswing in mood, regardless of its cause... just enjoy the day. I hope all turns out well with the MRI.

Elizabeth B. Alexander said...

I think the MRI is a great idea. The more you know about your body the better. Sounds like you've got a great, solid outlook right now.

Thanks for adding me to your blogroll. I feel so special!!

The Addict said...

An MRI after all this time does seem a bit ridiculous but like Elizabeth said, the more you know about your body the better. I'm just really glad you are having an upswing and a pretty normal life . . . if there is such a thing?

ooxox
belinda

Borderline Lil said...

@AD, Elizabeth, Belinda -- yep, I'm just rolling with the good mood while it's here. SO far so good. Thanks for visiting and commenting, I appreciate it more than I can say, Love Lil xx

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