you're an angry blade and you're brave

A small update post-conference. It's been, it's done, seemed moderately successful apart from the usual technical glitches and no-shows. Sir J has moved on to his next "gig", and I am enjoying a well-earned day off.

Tomorrow I have to go and have the MRI I've been avoiding most of the year. Dr A has often said it would be useful to see what effects, if any, my lupus has had on brain function (and, ergo, depression, headaches, mania, moods, etc). I guess it will be interesting to know if any lesions are present, not that there's much they can do about them. Maybe it will turn out that I have a cabbage in my head instead of a brain haha.

Increasing my dose of fluoxetine has not helped my OCD or binge eating at all, and Dr A is suggesting a mega-low-dose anti-psychotic be added to the mix. I would then reduce to my previous low dose of fluoxetine, as the Abilify (or whatever) will be activating enough. The meds merry-go-round is so annoying, and confusing. But it would be good to not be a slave to the trich and binge rituals... Any feedback or advice from y'all would be welcome, as I know Abilify is something lots of folks have tried. Apparently the risk of weight gain is less than with other a-p drugs?

So much going on, no wonder I find it hard to sleep through the night. I am determined to not start medicating for sleep, though, as I know it's a hard road to come back from. This may sound like a negative post, but I'm feeling well. Relieved the work situation will now wind down slowly until December, when the Foundation closes for a month.

(Angry Blade - Iron & Wine)

The Reinvented Self

The week continues on it's merry (somewhat TOO merry perhaps?) way. Sweeping the patio, walking the dog, cooking, cleaning, job interviews. It's all go at the L Ranch. There's a small and hellishly contrary part of my brain that is fighting it, still. I am trying to resist the inevitable analysis...is this energetic and cheerful person actually ME? Is it "normal" for me to feel hopeful, positive and motivated, all in one day? Is this one of those SSRI-related manias I've heard so much about? All I can do is be vigilant and document any out-of-character behaviours.

The medication is also supposed to have a positive effect on impulse behaviours; sadly so far my trilogy of tragedy (derm, trich, binge) are still firmly in place. But I have been able to go three or four days without harming in these ways, so I think the CBT is helping there. I am trying to distract myself and find other outlets. This week I started drawing, which I've always wanted to try - bought one of those "Drawing For Dummies" type books and so far I'm loving it. I am typically BPD in that I adore new hobbies haha!

Dr A has written a referral for me to have an MRI - apparently lupus/SLE can cause brain lesions and other nervous systems problems, and in 10% of lupus patients the disease causes personality disorders, depression and/or psychosis... Um, maybe that's something I would have found useful to know 5 years ago? Twenty years ago?? I seriously doubt that my lupus has impacted upon or caused my mental illness. Even if it has, the treatment (for the vasculitis or lesions) is masses of corticosteroids, which I refuse to take. But the knowledge will be powerful, just the same. I can't believe that the rheumotologist, haematologist, allergy specialist and previous psychiatrists have never mentioned an MRI...