Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Is It Wicked Not To Care

Is it wicked not to care when they say that you’re mistaken
Thinking hopes and lots of dreams that arent there?
Is it wicked not to care when you’ve wasted many hours
Talking endlessly to anyone that’s there?

I know the truth awaits me
But still I hesitate because of fear

Skipping tickets making rhymes
Is that all that you believe in?
Wearing rags to make you pretty by design
Rusting armour for effect
It’s not fun to watch the rust grow
For it will all be over when youre dead

Counting acts and clutching thoughts
By the river where the moss grows
Over rocks the water running all the time
Is it wicked when you smile even though you feel like crying
Even though you could be sick at any time?

But if there was a sequel
Would you love me as an equal?
Would you love me till I’m dead


If there was a sequel would you love me like an equal?
Would you love me till I’m dead
And if there was a sequel
Would you love me as an equal?
Would you love me till I’m dead
Or is there someone else instead?

I've had a day of strangeness, good and bad. I have been trying to listen to some peppy music, which I do have on my ipod contrary to popular belief! But I keep coming back to Belle & Sebastian, who seem to capture the essence of me and my nutso life. I couldn't decide whether to put Wicked Not To Care on today's post or I'm A Cuckoo (one of my other favourites). The film clip for Wicked Not To Care is so beautiful, reminds me of the film Breathless which I relate to in all my usual high-strung ways haha!

I went for a job this morning...even though I have been ordered on to disability for at least 4-6 weeks on the proviso that I would be returning to my previous job in admin/telecommunications. I clearly have no idea what I am doing!! I applied for it in the middle of the night over the weekend (damn internet job sites), having realised fully, for the first time, that I really really really really really don't think I can go back to my old workplace. Well, I know I physically COULD. But I don't WANT to, and I think recovery and learning CBT/DBT and future therapy will all be easier with a "blank canvas". My breakdown during Dec and Jan was pretty ugly. Made me some damn fine enemies...even though I know people will have new crap to gossip about now, and that true friends will have forgiven and been understanding, in the end I don't know or trust anyone there. For the entire year I've worked there I've been over-medicated and therefore blunted beyond belief, or (latterly) unmedicated and hypomanic. I don't know who I am. Or where I'm going. Kind of the Borderline Personality Disorder meme HAHA. But I know that the journey to self seems waaaay more appealing without the knowing looks, the avoidance and the jokes about crying in the bathroom. Two people I "hyper-attached" to (my way of describing the BPD "As If" bonding) are now not speaking to me, and are very attached to each other actually. Which caused me a ***major*** freakout. I would gladly pay money to not have to see those two again. Even weighing up the nice attitude my bosses have had about my breakdown, and the fact that I know my job and like it, and I'm good at it, I truly think I might need to find a different job.

The job I went for today is part-time, and located in a nice area of town (unlike my current job which shares its block with two brothels, a pub and a drug addiction centre). I would have enough money to live on, but enough time off to go to the shrink, the gym and do my homework. The horrifying thought occured to me today, though, after I had been all "high-functioning" and wowed them in the interview, that they may ring my current boss for a reference. WTF will she say?? I have been on the verge of vomiting all afternoon just IMAGINING that conversation. I would dearly love to be upfront and disclosing about my illness, but let's face it, we all know it can be hard enough out there in the job market without adding all my non-academic acronyms. BA = OK. BPD = Not So Much.

I couldn't fight my impulses once I got my freak on, went shopping with my mom's atm card (what am I, 12?????) and bought underwear, hair colour, books, magazines, a dress and two pairs of pants. I only had the keycard for my stupid glasses, which I didn't even get to be tested for on account of being mental and going on a job interview... My mom will be understanding and pitying of my shopaholic binge. Why does that just make it WORSE??

A difficult day. Why is it so damn HOT? It's supposed to be Autumn.


The Addict said...

Wow, you've got a lot on your plate. Your old job does sound like a very toxic environment to return to and that obviously wouldn't do you any good. People can be vicious when they are ignorant. The new job sounds pretty good and gives you more time, which is what you need. Your mom must REALLY understand what you go through not to mind you taking her charge card. Mine would have killed me if I had ever done that whether I was sick or not. It's a shame you cannot take the disability time off. You sound like you could really use it. Isn't there an way you can take that time off for yourself?


Jena said...

I get the shopping thing, I TRULY do, except I think I'd feel guilty using anyone's cards but my own. But shopping is just so therapeutic, right???

Having strain with friends is hard enough (right now I think I've actually lost a friend unless she's playing me and is going to call me eventually), but at work? Yikes! I wouldn't be able to even go to work! I would be really stressed out! I can really empathize. Work has always been stressful for me, never because of the job, always because of the interpersonal. I worry too much about what others think and conflict.

As it is, you do have a load on your shoulders with your life at home with your Bipolar and Borderline, and other stressors on top of that. Never mind working.

You are an incredibly strong woman for what you cope with and what you have to pursue. Keep your head high, sweetie. I'm proud of you for how much you're able to accomplish. Don't sell yourself short, and don't give up!

preciousrock said...

It's hot here too, blech! I hope you will take the rest of your disability time to get yourself back together, but I think a new job environment is a great idea. I wouldn't worry about what your current employer will say about you. I don't know what the law is in Australia, but in the U.S. employers are only allowed to verify employment dates and tell if the person would be rehirable. I sincerely don't believe your boss would sabatoge you like that.

Borderline Lil said...

Thanks for the comments my friends. You guys are right -- I do need the disability time, but here in Oz it's really difficult to qualify for sickness benefit unless you have an employer who will hold your job open (which is my current situation). But obviously that will change if I resign, which I feel obligated to do now I've made up my mind to find a new job. Once Social (welfare) find out my company isn't holding my job I think I'll get cut off. Not that I've seen any disability money anyway. It takes about 28 days to come through.

This is a tough decision, I'm really struggling with it, and WOW it's awesome to hear some feedback and advice from peeps who "get it". Thank you!!!! I feel I should clarify that although it was my mom's charge card, my wages have been paid into that account since my ex and I split (and he got the joint account), so it was kinda-sorta my money. Well, except for the fact that I haven't been paid since mid-Feb!!! Ooops.