Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Friday, March 13, 2009

Creative Spurt

This week has been great for me as far as the creative muse is concerned. I bought two discounted wall calendars (marked down 75% as it's almost 1/4 of the way through the year I suppose) and have cut them up, making a colourful piece of art for my bedroom wall. I was considering painting, but as the property is a rental (and my taste in colours can be somewhat LESS than "neutral" haha) I opted for some removable renovations. Below is the "before" wall, then the "after", with the third photo being a close up. The pictures are from "The Earth Below" calendar (satellite images of Earth taken by NASA) and an Australian Abstract Act calendar. Weird mix, I know, but they kind of work together - and I loved the colours. It's cheered my room up immensely.

I've also been working on an accompaniment to my comfort box (see yesterday's post). There were a number of things, important things that are central to my recovery, that couldn't be "boxed up" so I made a collage (thank you Jena for the inspiration!) which I will put up on my wall to remind me of all the things I love to do when I feel low. I tried really hard to use images without triggers/reminders, and nothing addictive (which ruled out shopping, eating, caffiene, alcohol, etc, etc). I'm happy with how it turned out, and hopefully I can get back into some other art and craft I've been planning and working on.

The downside of the week was yesterday's appointment with Dr A. He was extremely supportive about me looking for a different job, not only because of the social issues but also because I am bored with the job and do need a new challenge. However, he again pushed the idea of medication. I've been "med free" since 15 Feb (almost a month!) and although getting off the Effexor was tough, I think I am doing really well. So it bugs me that he wants me to go onto 10mg of Prozac, just to help me complete the CBT and to lift my mood. I've been honest with him, and admitted that I have some suicidal ideation, but nothing anywhere close to the horror thoughts and moods I had while ON medication. And although I sometimes feel depressed (like yesterday when I found out I didn't get the job I interviewed for - boohoo) and hopeless and lost, it's okay because I know what to do and I don't need to get up and go to work, I can just take my time to get through the day. I really don't think I need medication. And what's the POINT of such a stupid low dose anyway?? I hate the way I ALWAYS need to think I am right and know more than the doctors!!! But in this case I think I DO hahahaha! My compromise is that I am going to work hard on my goals and homework for the week, WITHOUT Prozac, and then at my next session I can discuss it more with Dr A.
I just know from experience and research that one medication tends to lead to another, and sometimes it's hard to know what are side effects and what are actual symptoms. Any advice or input gladly welcomed (:


Wandering Coyote said...

Sounds to me like you know yourself and are a good judge of when you need meds or not. At this point, don't let him push anything on you. You seem pretty insightful and self-aware right now, which is very important. If you start to notice a downward trend in your moods and behaviour, THEN I would consider taking some meds, but right now it sounds like you're coping well on your own. Keep using your skills and cross the meds bridge when you come to it.

Just my 2 cents.

The Addict said...

I swear most of the time we diagnose ourselves anyway. The only difference between us and the doctors is their's is an educated guess as to what is wrong and they have the all powerful script pad. Your right about one pill can lead to another and another, etc. I take 12 pills in the morning and 8 at night. I'm sick of it. I feel like my doctor is my drug supplier only and they have used me as their little lab rat the last 30 years. I think it's great if you can do well without the meds but you know how you feel moreso than the doctor and you should know when things are getting rough. Another thing 20 mg of prozac could help some people. I take 20 mg of Ability and that drug changed my life. I use to think of suicide of homicide (the homicide was work related . . . we should talk sometime) everyday and since I started ability I never think of suicide . . . never. So a small amount can sometimes make a difference to some folks.

Jena said...

You are so creatively inclined! I love your collage! I have to say, your collage is rich, full of character and emotion, and it will be a brilliant reminder to you of where you want to be. Where your resting place is.

Borderline Lil said...

You guys are awesome, thank you so much for your continued input and support! I am still doing well without the meds, and sometimes remember the muddy months of Dec and Jan when I was on 3 and 4 different medications - and felt horrible all of the time. I know you'll all relate/laugh when I say that one reason I am considering Prozac is it's supposed to be good for controlling binge eating and has a side effect of weight loss!! Vanity, thy name is Lil.

preciousrock said...

I love your calendar art wall. You are right, the two calendars do complement one another. I love bright colors too. If it were up to me I'd probably paint my room red, yellow and black. Bet my landlord would love that.

Re: the drugs. Only take them if and when you are ready and feel like you need them to function. You know yourself best. I do agree with Belinda though that oftentimes a tiny dose of a drug is enough for some people and certain conditions. I only take 5 mg of Abilify and it works great for me, whereas Belinda takes 20 mg. We are all different in our needs and the way our bodies react to drugs. 20 mg would be way too much for me.

Jena said...

I want to invite you to be part of my private gallery. (Blog that people can only join by invite). Send me your email address ok?

Jena said...

Hey girl! I still need your email ;) I have a new collage up that I think you'll like.