Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself

(Ghandi)

Sunday, March 29, 2009

The Way It Feels For A Girl

In the last month I've dreamt about Lewis four times. I haven't spoken to him in 6 months, it's more than 5 since I last clapped eyes on him. Yet he comes to me at night and reminds me of why he was the one who changed it all, and who changes it still. How is it that someone can make me laugh until I cry in a dream, yet the next morning I can't remember what he said, or how he looked, I just get that overwhelming reminder of how good I felt being with him. I read somewhere that dreams reach forward from the past to make a point about the future or the present. What are you trying to tell me, Lewis...

I have such a long and detailed list of my hyper-attachments, starting at age 9 when I stole perfume and jewellery from my so-called best friend in order to better emulate/become her and have her tricked-up life for myself. Lewis came into my life last year, 12 months ago almost exactly, when I was already feeling uneasy in my shrinking skin. It took a few weeks, which is a long time for me -- often my BPD hyper-attachment crush strikes me one day and is set in stone the next. (The one after Lewis was literally picked from the crowd, with a friend, CS, directing me as to my best bet for my next Flirt Object.) Anyway, Lewis moved desks at work to sit opposite me and the rest is platonic crush history. Hundreds of emails, shared DVDs and CDs, sotto voce confabs, laughing, laughing, laughing and lo and behold, suddenly I'm sleeping alone and not wearing my wedding ring. I in no way blame or credit Lewis for me finishing things with Mr Ex. His smart, sarcastic connection with me just rocked an already sinking ship. Next thing, Titanic city.

In the way of these things, invariably my BPD style of psychotic bonding freaked him out. I moved departments. We drifted apart. I chose my next victim, and therein lies a whole new ball game. Let's just say, I don't dream about HIM. But Lewis...ah, Lewis. He'll always be special. He told me the truth , which is always scary for the deluded among us! My adoption of his culture introduced me to Saxondale and Chewin' The Fat. He handled me, and the strange love/hate roundabout we were on, with sensitivity and aplomb. Mostly. I don't know what the dreams mean, or if they mean anything. I'm fond of telling people who confide their dreams to me that dreams are junk mail from our subconscious...but that's more to make them shut up than because I believe it to be true! I always have a soft spot for previous MFO (Main Flirt Object)s, except for the ones I've attempted to poison or who took out restraining orders - JOKE!

If I had to look back over the last year and pick out fleeting moments of happiness, they would all feature Lewis and my friend Michelle, who for a short while formed a triumvurate of anarchy with us in our staid and oppressive workplace. Maybe that's why he still features in my dreams, because I've always been lucky enough to create a BETTER world in my dream state, rather than deal with nightmares where I'm naked, redneck or being chased by dogs. Trying to recreate recent joy, I guess I naturally turn to Lewis. It used to always be I. Oliver in my dreams, my long-lost soulmate and star-crossed lover, but he is a long and sad story for another day.

By the way, here's a secret for ya. Sometimes, in the dark part of my heart, I wonder if I really want to get well, if it means losing that all-consuming rush of hyper-attachment. I miss it, I crave it more than anything else "forbidden". I struggle with it every day. I dread going back to work if only because it throws up that possibility. Here, safe at home, there's no-one to hurt me. But there's no-one to adore, either. A dilemma, no?

9 comments:

Anonymous Drifter said...

It's strange how our attachments can become all-consuming. I once had a bizarre attachment to someone (bizarre to say the least) but they never appeared in dreams and I always found that odd. Actually the things that affected me the most never appeared in dreams. It's almost like they're tucked away in a place unreachable.

tracy said...

Hi. i have a very strong attachment to the psychiatric resident i was able to see for therapy for 10 months. Even though i knew it would be temporary, it was so hard to "let go"...actually, i guess i haven't let go. He was so kind, gentle and funny...there are songs, videos, even a couple of movies ("Brokeback Mountian" for one), that remind me of him....and it has been over 8 months since i last saw him. i am very fortunate to have a good psychiatrist now, another nice guy, but i still miss "Dr. K" so desperately. The hardest part is knowing he never thinks of me. :( Thanks for letting me ramble.....

Wandering Coyote said...

This is where I differ from a lot of BPDs - I don't develop these attachments. In fact, I lack trust and self assurance and therefore I don't attach easily to anyone.

I dream quite often of my ex and it's always a really annoying, disconcerting experience, as the dream usually follows the same patterns. But I think I'm working stuff out with these dreams, as they change subtly over time, even though they follow a pattern.

tricia said...

I always come here from my reader with so much to say and then when I type it can't leave it because it sounds so juvenile. I don't want you to think I'm a stalker though so...

I see myself in so much you describe. I'm learning a lot. Thanks for sharing.

Elizabeth B. Alexander said...

I have that secret too...

Borderline Lil said...

#AD - I'm so happy I'm not the only one with "bizarre" attachments, and how interesting that the things most special to you don't appear in your dreams! We're all different!

#Tracy - Hi and welcome! I just read a great post about the end of the therapy relationship at www.behindthecouch.blogspot.com. Made me think about my own close ties with a former therapist, and I think you're right the hardest part is knowing that we are not as "special" to our Drs as they can be to us. You're more than welcome to ramble away!!

#WC - I'm definitely becoming less of an "attacher" and more of a loner. Which is healthy in a lot of ways. Good on ya for working through some ex issues in your dreams, man I have such a lot to do in THAT area.

#Tricia - don't you dare censor your comments, no such thing as juvenile on this blog haha!! I love the fact that you visit and read and comment, if that makes you my stalker then STALK AWAY!!

#Elizabeth - always happy to know I'm not alone (:

tracy said...

Hi Lil,
Thanks so much for writing back to me, it means alot. i appreciate the link, i went there and read the post, it was quite good.
take care,
tracy

preciousrock said...

I don't know what to make of my dreams most of the time, but I don't dream of my crushes and hyper-attachments as you call them or my true loves. I always dream I am having romantic encounters with people I can't stand or who I would never in real life consider having a crush on. It's like I am taming them in my dreams. I don't know. I hope they are junk mail from somebody elses subconscious because I don't want to own them, lol.

mysadalterego said...

I guess that link is gone...I don't have those kind of attachments, but I think I just don't let myself attach much to anyone. Maybe that's a secret of being "high functioning."