Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself

(Ghandi)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Blog Slut

My problems are multitudinous, my physique gelatinous. I'm also, I'm discovering, becoming quite the blogosphere tart. The trouble with visiting great blogs is that they link me to other great blogs, and so on and so forth until I have a Google Reader overflowing with daily updates on all the things most loved by me. Binge eating. Borderline Personality Disorder. Bipolar. Barbie. And those are just the Bs!! So much amazing writing, so many stories of great trouble and triumph. I really love the virtual community, not least because to participate in it I don't need to shower or put on lipstick. Also, in the last few months since my murky crackups gelled into a diagnosis-of-sorts, the blog world has reassured me that I am a) sane and b) not alone. Those two things were starting to be less and less "true" in my "real world". Thank you to all my blog friends, old and new, and keep fighting the good fight!

Weirdly, my weekend has been stable and...dare I say it...boring? Secretly, I long for the day when my next mood cycle hits, or some massive trigger kicks the stool out from under my dull ass and I go all rainbow-hued and mental again. I know this is SO stupid. It's counter-productive to WANT to relapse. But then I think of all the times Dr A has said to me that recovery needs to be tested over and over again, and I want to start TESTING some of the new techniques I'm learning with this CBT palaver. I was reading a biography today by an Australian Rugby player who has bipolar disorder, and he says after diagnosis and medication he used Ecstasy as a way to recapture the feeling he had during mania. Es have never been a part of my repertoire due to the SSRIs I was packing. But I can see the point... I really don't want to schiz out again and wander the streets believing I'm reading the minds of passing folk. I clearly don't miss hyperattachments to sundry stupids (mostly at work, just to give me a reason to go there!).

I don't even know why I'm bringing this up - it feels like an apology for the fact that I am doing okay. Which sucks. As mentioned, I read other blogs and a lot of us seem to need to reassure docs, workmates, families that contrary to outward appearances, WE ARE NOT OKAY.

Three reasons I am not okay, today:
  1. This morning I found a drowned mouse in my dog's water bowl. He looked peaceful, but still.
  2. While pruning my rose bushes I tripped over a sprinkler and gashed my leg, which bled all over my "good" socks and my New Balance trainers (sneakers). The blasted injury is killing me and prevented me from lolling in the bath all evening.
  3. Twice this week I saw DK. Once driving past the bus stop and then yesterday when C and I drove past his house and he was mowing the lawn. I miss him "like my left arm that's been lost in a war" and although it's been nine months since we talked, in my head we are always always always talking, we tell each other everything as always and I still don't get, will never get, why we aren't friends any more when all I did was tell my Hopeless Husband that I wanted out, clearly a terrible unforgivable thing that made it impossible for DK and LK to continue speaking to me, to either of us, to continue allowing me to be godmother to their kids, sometimes I hate her for this, I know it's her and not his decision because when we see each other there's that moment when I FEEL his confusion and he seems to want to wave, to, smile, to speak, to acknowledge that I still exist and am still seen in thousands of photographs and videos that MUST still be in their house, and no wonder I tell people that this betrayal hurts me so much more than Mr Ex and his ambivalence.

For this, and legions more, I am not okay dammit.

5 comments:

Wandering Coyote said...

I'm sorry you're not OK today, but I have to say that incidences like these are great tests of your skills. You don't need mania, you only need real life!

I went through a divorce, too, a few years back, and it was devastating. It also really showed me who my friends were and where allegiances lay. I lost quite a few friends. It gets better, though. Really, it does.

Hannah said...

Hiya, I really like the idea of a comfort box - I have a sort of comfort 'wall' to which I've pegged up cards, pictures, drawings, etc. that make me smile, I think it's really important to remind ourselves that there are beautiful things in life.

Also, a friend of mine turned to ecstasy after removing medication - he said it was the best thing he ever did and it got him through what would otherwise have been a terrible time. I'm a fan of 'if it works for you then go for it' but I'm unconvinced it's a route I'd take. Interesting point though.

Hann x

The Addict said...

Lil they say (who are they???) that going through a divorce is harder then going through the death and loss of a loved one. At least if the loved one is dead it is final. With a divorce it lingers, then the friends take sides, and it is even (totally lost my train of thought here. Cannot for the life of me remember what I was going to say, duh). I feel for you and wish you luck through your future struggles. Reality in itself will test you enough.

ooxo
belinda

preciousrock said...

It's ironic that "stable" becomes boring when you are a part of the blog world and writing about your life, isn't it. Sometimes, I'm glad that I'm stable and feeling good but frustrated that I can't think of anything interesting to share because my life is so even and dull, lol. Still, I choose sanity and calmness over depression and mania!

Divorce is tough! I've been through it twice, and even though I wanted both divorces I still struggled to get over the "status quo" and the loneliness. Fortunately, I didn't lose any friends in the bargain. My exes and I didn't share much in common, including friends.

Jena said...

Girl, I read this post and I didn't comment right away because I wanted to take the time to leave a comment saying exactly what I want to say. I'm not on the ball today so I needed time :)

I love the blog world for all the same reasons you do, and I have made true friends here. I tried to leave for awhile and I couldn't stay away. Even paranoid delusions couldn't keep me away. It's a place that helped me understand that I wasn't going crazy, and that there are actually a ton of people who have the same thoughts and similar situations. I didn't know what it was like to have Bipolar, I just was diagnosed and felt lost. Being here helped me so much. It IS fun to look around and make new friends!

It is really interesting that when we finally achieve stability, we DO have a tendency to get bored. Not everybody, but some. I feel like if I'm too stable, I lose my creative skills. I think there is a level of mood fluctuation that is normal to a person and the goal should be to find that. Not to necessarily constantly be stable, in the numb sense (unless you really want that).

It does suck to feel like you have to convince your doc that you're not ok, even when you're doing ok right now. I talked to my pdoc about this subject a couple weeks ago, as it was bothering me a lot, and she reassured me and told me she wants to see me "stable" for at LEAST a year before anything else important in life happens. I hope you can have a discussion with your doc too, and find some reassurance as well. Find out what he's thinking. What's in his little brain. (Sometimes their brains are little, it depends).

I'm glad you have friends to count on. They're a very important part of your support system!

Have a great night, Lil.
Love, Jena xoxo