Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Jagged Little Pill

Yesterday, I managed to drag myself out of bed in time to present my high-functionin' self to Dr A at 8:30am. It wasn't easy, not least because dealing with peak-hour public transport is enough to send the sanest soul into a decline. I HATE the train, the ones that go near my house are set up so that the seats are all along the sides, facing in - your paranoiac's basic nightmare. A friend of mine who works as a train security guard says it's due to the high level of crime and naughtiness on my train line - but I *think* she's joshin' with me. Anyway, the trains at that hour of the morning are chock-full of worker drones (um, hello, you used to be one, yes I know, now shut up, ok?) and I was paranoid I would run into someone from my old work. In a small town city like Perth that happens a lot. In fact, it happened last time I had an early appt with Dr A and I could just imagine the chatter back at the office "Hey, I thought L had a schiz-out and was in the funny farm? Well, I just saw her heading into the city and looked like she was going to work...does she have a new job?" Bummer.

Anyway. Anyway. Anyway... the appointment went pretty well, although I am mega-cynical of most of his shrinkish moves. He asked me about the job situation, saying I was "extremely well spoken and had the gift of the gab" (bless) and that I was "very skilled" (you got no idea honey). I just about managed to not roll my eyes in cynical acknowledgement of his attempt to bond my good self to him. We talked a bit about "Lost in the Mirror" a great book about BPD that was recommended by the fab Wandering Coyote . It's terrific, and one of the things the author discusses is the benefit of ritual and routine for the Borderline. I had already been planning to try and set up a daily plan for myself, getting up at a certain time, exercising, cleaning, homework etc, because I am really scared about becoming wedded to my bed hahaha. So Dr A and I gasbagged about what I might have in my ritual/routine, trying to strike that happy balance between tasks and fun.

Once I left there I was all fired up for the day and had a small shopping spree (wouldn't call it a binge per se...) and saw a movie (Duplicity - not bad. Clive Owen deliciously British). Then went out later with my friend Michelle, and we had dinner and saw another movie (Paul Blart Mall Cop - v. entertaining, Kevin James chubbily charming). Today, I managed to stick to my routine/ritual and got up at 8am (better than yesterday's 6am, ugh) and have been cleaning and writing and applying for jobs all day while listening to Taylor Swift. Even managed to get outside and sweep the patio floor and vacuum my dog's kennel (Michelle, no need to call the RSPCA now lol).

So here's the thing. And ain't there always a kicker? Yesterday I *finally* opened the Lovan box, pushed out a pill, snapped it in half and swallowed it along with my myriad other tablets and supplements. Lovan, for those not "in the know" is another name for fluoxetine, aka Prozac. Sometimes, apparently, SSRIs can start working immediately and in very small doses. But maybe I am just having a couple of great, energy-filled, productive fun days?? I am furious at the fact that it might be those god-damned chemicals that have given me the kick in the ass I needed to get out of bed and into the world again. Part of me hopes for a major slump, so I can go "hooray, the meds aren't affecting me, it's just a hypomanic state!!" It's nuts, clearly. I want to be well, but I don't want medication to help me? Where's the sense in that?? I'm just gonna have to go with it. Here's the confusing list of facts (for my own record as much as to entertain my beloved readers, so please forgive me!)
  1. Finished my darn period four days ago, always a positive thing
  2. Kicked my diet coke habit six days ago - traditionally a hard time, usually gives me withdrawal headaches and lethargy?
  3. Could barely function four days ago, and now have energy to burn and a clear head
  4. Two days ago started SSRI anti-depressant at 1/8 of the standard/highest dose

I don't know how much of this relates to my current mental and physical state!

I don't know if I'm just having a "good" week!

But I am DETERMINED to make the most of it, regardless.


preciousrock said...

Whatever the reason, I'm glad you are feeling better and getting stuff accomplished.

Elizabeth B. Alexander said...

Part of me doesn't want the pills to work so maybe I don't have to take them. I can say I tried and just be crazy. I'm back on the med train myself and sometimes get annoyed just thinking about the days I feel like crap and just dealing with side effects.

Here's to good days!!

Wandering Coyote said...

I love the title of this post. Man, you can't beat Alanis, eh?

I'm glad you're feeling so much better, and it seems that you've made some peace with taking the Prozac.

As for those inward-facing seats on trains & buses...They always tick me off. Such a waste of space and sometimes they contribute to motion sickness...

Anonymous Drifter said...

Glad you're having a good week. I too wish I could be well without having to take meds to get there.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad your week was good. I hope the next one is even better.

The Addict said...

Fantastic for you being so productive. And I don't think it's the meds either because they supposedly take 4-6 weeks to get totally in your system (per my psych) to their full potential anyhow. i wish i could get all that done. I'm so jealous.