Lost & Found

It's my birthday soon. In ten days, in fact, and it will be my last "30 something" birthday, as next year I face up to the big 40. This time of year always makes me contemplative...what have I done with the last 12 months, what do I want from the future, yada yada. It makes me realise what I have lost, all those dreams that I've shelved (perhaps permanently), but more importantly I've started to focus on all that I've gained. So here's a list of some Lost & Founds I've been thinking about lately.

Lost

• 50kg (over 100 pounds)
• an unhappy marriage
• mental stability (which was only achieved through over-medicating and denial anyway)
• ability to hold down a full-time job
• potential of, or desire for, future relationship with man or woman

Found

• some kick-ass online friends (and a real-life one - you rock Michelle!)
• a whole grocery list of adjectives to describe my life...like peaceful, independent, brave
• CBT and DBT, and generally awesome other types of T from my shrink Dr A
• a life with minimum medication and (fairly! mostly!) stable moods
• a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, which helps me make sense of my mixed-up life and wacky behaviour
• what I like to call "the best job in the world", which is badly paid and a long way from home but makes me happy to be there
• the ability to tie my shoelaces, sit comfortably in a chair, walk a few miles without fainting and the joy of buying clothes "off the rack"
• new passions like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, tenpin bowling and Taylor Swift

There is a lot to be thankful for this year, and even though I have lost contact with three of my four former "best friends", and sometimes I miss Mr Ex like crazy, overall I think I am doing okay. Some days I feel like the madness is nipping at my heels again, but I try and kick its nasty little rat-face and tell it to get away. Therapy is hard, even when it's working, maybe more so when it's working. There is a lot to be done, and I know that I've only scratched the surface of the angry Lil.

I think that the picture at the top of this post, which is entitled "Optimism" (by meppol from www.deviantart.com) captures my state of mind. Trying, always, to think of the glass as half full.

This One's For Coyote and Juno

I made the top LOLCAT from a photo of my cat Sami - I heard Wandering Coyote might be in need of a new therapist and most of us agree cats make the best doctors. Then the second LOLCAT is one I saw today at www.icanhascheezburger.com and I instantly thought of the beautiful and voluptuous Juno and her BLFD.

Wandering Coyote's blog was the first one I found, back in Jan/Feb when I was struggling with my psychotic breakdown and eventual diagnosis with Borderline Personality Disorder. I googled "California Rocket Fuel", the medication combo I was on (Effexor and Mirtazapine), and lo and behold I found a kindred spirit. Coyote found herself a stalker hahahahaha. Jokes. No, really! Through Coyote I found my other blogging friends, all of whom have helped me navigate my way to semi-sanity. I just wanted to say thanks, and to reassure her that even on days when she feels like shit she means the world to me (to us, yeah?).

My Cartoon! Thanks Chato!

I think Chato B. Stewart (www.mentalhealthcartoons.com) has done an AMAZING job with his cartoon-a-thon this month -- 31 cartoons in 31 days. I think he's ended with a real "bang", two of my favourites for the month are seen below:

I hope I manage to always keep my sense of humour. I hope I can always laugh at myself and my life, even when it seems like despair is going to claim me. I am So proud to have been a part of the Mental Health Month Cartoonathon. Now, how did Chato know I often miss my bus stop because I am in daydream world?? People ARE watching me!! I knew I wasn't paranoid hahaha.

How It Starts

The last couple of days have been less than stellar. You know how it goes... you start to feel stronger and more able to cope with life's logistics. You spend some time (in my case, ably "advised" by parents) going over the financial train wreck once known as Your Budget. It's never a cheerful prospect, and for someone separated from her bread-winner husband just on 12 months (a bread-winner who is gleefully gorging on all his own damn bread now thank you very much), it really hurts. When we split, the two main debts Mr Ex and I had were split down the middle, with me taking on the $23,000 personal loan and him taking on the $19,000 car loan. Then, in those early heady days of post-marriage possibility, I was still working fulltime. I was living with my parents, splitting rent and bills, but still with a solid support base if and when required. He was moving out on his own, and the decision to do so had been thrust upon him, so I cut him some financial slack. He doesn't pay child support for the three animals we have, I have paid for his private health insurance since the split, and a couple of weeks ago he flew across the country on vacation paid for by his family. Bitter much? Ha!

Now, a year and a breakdown later, the repayments on the loan are about 1/3 of my total earnings. I've had to cancel my health insurance and gym membership. I can't declare bankruptcy without the loan defaulting to Mr Ex, which would painfully and permanently put an end to the amicable divorce. On top of this, Mr Ex's sister generously gave him her as-new laptop computer, so he "gave" me back the rental PC we had signed up for, along with the $100 a month payment. I found out that the rental contract can't be cancelled and to buy it out will cost $1500 (more than a new PC is worth), so I am stuck paying the $100 a month til Feb 2010.

I don't know why I'm even re-living this, or sharing it. I suppose this is a space for venting, and I do need to vent about the roiling fury that simmers in my stomach when I think about my finances, which are currently sitting on death row with no hope for a pardon. I got myself into this, don't get me wrong. I know that the BPD-fuelled spending, and general lack of budgeting, over the last 10 years have created a pit of debt that I deserve to inhabit. It's just that my day-to-day living is so damn pathetic and dismal (compared to the whirlwind of fancypants mania spending), and this New Deal budget my folks and I have worked out basically means I have to not buy coffee, lunch, magazines or food - ever. And the one outing I have per week, tenpin bowling, is in serious danger of being taken away. I literally can barely afford to survive. My food and rent and bills are subsidised by my family, only slightly but enough to make me feel unworthy and invalid. Ah, the catch cry of the Borderline...

I am trying to stay focused on the reasons for the belt-tightening, which are that I am dealing with a serious mental illness and therefore am only able to work part-time. The fact that I have a great job, and can function pretty well there, are things to be proud of. So what if I have to live like a pauper for the next five years? One day I will be free and clear of this stupid personal loan, and free of other debts because I won't qualify for any credit until hell freezes over. I am trying to focus on the things that don't need money, the important parts of my life that I love and adore which don't cost a cent (thanks Michelle!).

It scared me, this week, to feel derailed again and to lose the early glow of great-job-happiness. My favourite saying at the moment is "there is no recovery without relapse", and these less-than-stellar times will test my mental health. Today, my day off, I watched Buffy and slept. In a way, this was kind of the last straw. I had to get the Buffy videos out of the local library as my DVD-by-mail monthly rental plan is another casualty of the New Deal. Luckily, my ancient VCR still works...

Adjustment

I had such high hopes for part-time work - namely that my two days off during the week would be filled with exercise, socialising, blogging, writing, homework and housework. I'm now two weeks into my new life, and am loving every minute of my job. But the days off have been almost ENTIRELY filled with sleeping and laying semi-comatose on the couch. I think (hope) it's a period of adjustment -- after 4 months of being on disability I had become used to rest being the norm rather than the exception. So when I have the chance, my body is desperately trying to catch up. I'm also dealing with the 3 hours travelling each workday, which means that come Monday and Thursday the LAST thing I want to do is go anywhere.

Other than the tiredness, and lack of accomplishment on my days off, I think I am doing well. Dr A has been in the US for 2 weeks, so I've been "untherapied" but none the worse for it. I'm looking foward to catching up with him and sharing some positive news for a change. I'm getting to do some interesting and challenging work at DF, and most of the time have support and backup whenever I need it. I wish I had found work in the charity field years ago... the atmosphere is completely different. My last job, at the Evil Empire, seemed to be entirely about money and the bottom line. Now, every cent and every atom of energy spent is towards helping people. Whether I'm typing, filing, writing or updating the website -- everything is done with the ultimate goal of helping people. I feel like I'm in heaven. Gush gush...blah blah.

Being part of an entirely female workforce has its downside. The communal lunch stretches from half an hour to an hour sometimes, as people share stories of ex-husbands, recalcitrant kids and horror stories from the news headlines. Mostly, I eat my lunch and then go back to work. I've never been one for group sharing lol. No-one seems to mind, as I pick up the phone while they can keep nattering. Because they are a disparate group of women, I neither fit in or don't fit in, if you know what I mean. They seem to be thrilled to have me there, and use my skills, and have said I am wonderful and capable. Phew.

I really think Dr A has a point when he talks about moderate BPD (the category he puts me in) being helped by the structure and purpose of work (fulltime, part-time or volunteer). He was telling me once that quite a few mental illnesses are made harder to cope with when you add work to the mix, but Borderlines often improve when they can find a healthy work/life mix. I was starting to think he was full of crap, and no doubt not everyone has the same experience as me, but so far I am finding everything easier to cope with now I am working somewhere positive. My last job was definitely a major contributor to my breakdown and illness. But part-time work, and work in a positive environment, is a whole different kettle of fish. I also find that being out of the house, and away from the family stressors, has helped my mood.

In other news, last weekend was exciting because of the two semifinals and the final of Eurovision. I was disappointed in the eventual winner, Norway, who was a sweet enough lad but not one of my favourites. Here are two of my favourites, Portugal (who came 15th out of 25 countries) and Estonia (6th), both of which had completely beautiful and talented ladies out front who made me wish I still lived in Europe:

It's Been A Long Time...

...since I loved anything as much as I love my new job at The Foundation. I've tried unsuccessfully to play it cool and be circumspect, now I have to come out with it!! It's completely wonderful - the women in the office are compassionate and supportive and interesting, the work I will be doing is varied and has purpose, and the office is located in a beautiful riverside suburb. These people think I am sent from heaven - my skills are exactly what they need for the position, and so far my disposition seems to fit with them also. Phew. While I have not yet exhaled, I'm letting my breath out (and my guard down) a little bit more each day.

One of the many things I love, and want to rave about, it the fact that the whole office (between 10 and 15 staff depending on the day) sits together and has lunch. I've never experienced that before...and they talk about all kinds of random things, not just work. The psychologists, execs and office staff sit together and chat. It's weird. But nice weird. People listen to my ideas, and ask questions, and my boss M has said a number of times that she knows it will take me a couple of months to find my feet and feel confident in the job. A COUPLE OF MONTHS!! Not three days! Hooray.

It would seem that the best thing that could have happened to me this year is leaving my last job (both the one where I had my breakdown and the one I got sacked from). Because if ever a place was meant to be MY workplace, it's this. The last couple of days have shown me how miserable I've been at work for a long time. Which is undoubtedly why I indulged my hyperattachment BPD side and spent hours formulating and acting on crushes. I was bored, unappreciated, lonely and goal-less. Every day, now, I do things that help The Foundation to help kids (and adults) to read. It's the opposite of where I was 6 months ago.

I am supposed to be off tomorrow but am going into the office for a few hours for training. My work days will usually be Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday, which will give me time to catch up on my online world and also see Dr A, etc. The Good Doc is in America for 2 weeks at a Psychiatric Conference, which is the longest I've been without seeing him since February. Thankfully, things seem to be ticking along nicely. He has backup staff in the practice while he's away but I'd rather not have to start over with someone.

There are two main drawbacks with my new job. One is the travelling (1 - 1.5 hours each way on three buses). The other is the financial aspect. Not only am I reduced to part-time hours, but the hourly wage is considerably less than my last job (because it's a charity). I really don't care, as long as I can survive - which I will once I cancel my private health insurance (which has given me nothing except cheaper dental anyway) and my gym membership. Some other stuff might have to go. But it's worth it for a sense of purpose and satisfaction. The travelling will be tiring, but I was travelling almost as much for my last job (and that was 5 days a week).

The post is incredibly dull, I'm sorry - I mainly just wanted to update y'all on the situation. I promise I will make more of an effort soon! To my lovely friends who are struggling just now -- I hope that there are brighter times ahead for you xxx

Another Great Cartoon!

I know we can all relate to this one! Keep up the excellent work Mr Stewart (:

Taken from http://www.mentalhealthcartoons.com/ - The purpose of the Cartoon-A-Thon is to use humor and laughter as positive tools in dealing with emotional disturbances which effect many people and families due to mental Illness. As a consumer and an amateur cartoonist, Chato B. Stewart has been drawing cartoons to help thousands find a smile. Over the past year he has Volunteered his time and talent drawing cartoons to help in educating others about mental disorders.

The Blog, Mental Health Humor went online May 14th, 2007. Since then, it has won many awards and much acclaim from fellow bloggers. The blog has been visited by 96,087 unique people and has explored and looked at 374,807 time also called "page views".Living in recovery, while maintaining balance for Bipolar Disorder, he used drawing cartoons as a coping skill. Drawing cartoons about Depression, Bipolar, and other mood disorders for what he calls “a consumers point of view.” Chato embraces prevention, resiliency, and recovery for children, adults, and families living with mental illnesses and their caregivers. The Mental Health Humor cartoons have appeared on many websites and blogs. Many Mental Health Newsletters publish the cartoons. From Florida, to California, up in Canada and all the way down under in Australia, the cartoons are giving giggles to peers far and wide.

Now he is volunteering his pen and paper for every day of Mental Health Month to DRAW one Cartoon for each day in May. Please show your support by making a pledge to help us reach our goal. We can't do it with out you.