Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Lost & Found

It's my birthday soon. In ten days, in fact, and it will be my last "30 something" birthday, as next year I face up to the big 40. This time of year always makes me contemplative...what have I done with the last 12 months, what do I want from the future, yada yada. It makes me realise what I have lost, all those dreams that I've shelved (perhaps permanently), but more importantly I've started to focus on all that I've gained. So here's a list of some Lost & Founds I've been thinking about lately.

  • 50kg (over 100 pounds)
  • an unhappy marriage
  • mental stability (which was only achieved through over-medicating and denial anyway)
  • ability to hold down a full-time job
  • potential of, or desire for, future relationship with man or woman
  • some kick-ass online friends (and a real-life one - you rock Michelle!)
  • a whole grocery list of adjectives to describe my peaceful, independent, brave
  • CBT and DBT, and generally awesome other types of T from my shrink Dr A
  • a life with minimum medication and (fairly! mostly!) stable moods
  • a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, which helps me make sense of my mixed-up life and wacky behaviour
  • what I like to call "the best job in the world", which is badly paid and a long way from home but makes me happy to be there
  • the ability to tie my shoelaces, sit comfortably in a chair, walk a few miles without fainting and the joy of buying clothes "off the rack"
  • new passions like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, tenpin bowling and Taylor Swift
There is a lot to be thankful for this year, and even though I have lost contact with three of my four former "best friends", and sometimes I miss Mr Ex like crazy, overall I think I am doing okay. Some days I feel like the madness is nipping at my heels again, but I try and kick its nasty little rat-face and tell it to get away. Therapy is hard, even when it's working, maybe more so when it's working. There is a lot to be done, and I know that I've only scratched the surface of the angry Lil.

I think that the picture at the top of this post, which is entitled "Optimism" (by meppol from captures my state of mind. Trying, always, to think of the glass as half full.


Anonymous Drifter said...

What a wonderful post. You've gained so many things and you should be so proud of yourself. Happy (early) Birthday and may the upcoming year be even better. (((Lil)))

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday! I'd sing it, but you might ban me from your blog.

That is one of the things that drew me to your blog in the beginning-- there always seems to be at least a flicker of optimism or humor even when you have been very down.

Congratulations on the first two entries on your lost list and all on your found.

Great work Lil-- you continue to inspire me.

Wandering Coyote said...

Great post, Lil! There is so much that is positive here, and I'm happy that you can see all of these things because I know how hard that is sometimes. You rock, girlfriend!

Dee said...

OH are ow reaching 40?! Oh to be 39 again! Enjoy this next year because once you hit 40...all down hill from here! LOL

Good blog!! I'm glad that you are looking at the positive over the negative and that things are much better for you!

Keep smiling!

Safe hugz,
A Mom's Journey

Polar Bear said...

Happy upcoming birthday!!

Looks like you;ve found much positives this past year. And yay for losing all those pounds! What a truly great acheievement. Celebrate your special day! You deserve it.

Borderline Lil said...

Thank you AD, Tricia, Coyote, Dee and Polar! Your birthday wishes and words of support are well-received here in Lil-Land.

Dreamwriter said...

oooh! The big 4-0..been there done that! I re-evaluated my life, what I did, what I lost, what I gained, and what is to come.

Great list! Keep moving forward and enjoy the 40's..I LOVE it! I have learned and grown more in my 40's than ever before!

Ruby Tuesday said...

the number of positive things on your lists is so impressive; you have every reason to feel proud of yourself. xx