Lost & Found

It's my birthday soon. In ten days, in fact, and it will be my last "30 something" birthday, as next year I face up to the big 40. This time of year always makes me contemplative...what have I done with the last 12 months, what do I want from the future, yada yada. It makes me realise what I have lost, all those dreams that I've shelved (perhaps permanently), but more importantly I've started to focus on all that I've gained. So here's a list of some Lost & Founds I've been thinking about lately.

Lost

• 50kg (over 100 pounds)
• an unhappy marriage
• mental stability (which was only achieved through over-medicating and denial anyway)
• ability to hold down a full-time job
• potential of, or desire for, future relationship with man or woman

Found

• some kick-ass online friends (and a real-life one - you rock Michelle!)
• a whole grocery list of adjectives to describe my life...like peaceful, independent, brave
• CBT and DBT, and generally awesome other types of T from my shrink Dr A
• a life with minimum medication and (fairly! mostly!) stable moods
• a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, which helps me make sense of my mixed-up life and wacky behaviour
• what I like to call "the best job in the world", which is badly paid and a long way from home but makes me happy to be there
• the ability to tie my shoelaces, sit comfortably in a chair, walk a few miles without fainting and the joy of buying clothes "off the rack"
• new passions like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, tenpin bowling and Taylor Swift

There is a lot to be thankful for this year, and even though I have lost contact with three of my four former "best friends", and sometimes I miss Mr Ex like crazy, overall I think I am doing okay. Some days I feel like the madness is nipping at my heels again, but I try and kick its nasty little rat-face and tell it to get away. Therapy is hard, even when it's working, maybe more so when it's working. There is a lot to be done, and I know that I've only scratched the surface of the angry Lil.

I think that the picture at the top of this post, which is entitled "Optimism" (by meppol from www.deviantart.com) captures my state of mind. Trying, always, to think of the glass as half full.