when the first cup of coffee tastes like washing up she knows she's losing it

As the last couple of posts will attest, I am struggling just now. I took a week off from work, annual leave / mental health leave, and went to see Doc A a few times to try and work out how to get back on track. What I thought was my illness, or a general breakdown, he blames entirely on my focus on Lloyd and the dysfunctional relationship we're in. While I admit that there's a lot of energy being sent the way of the Unsuitable Boy, it's hard to comprehend that he/my reactions to him are entirely to blame for the shitty way I feel. When I am with him, I'm happy(ish); we've been spending a lot of time together over the last week as he was in hospital and needed my help (always a bad sign, as I am incapable of resisting the lure of someone who needs me...).

Doc A flatly refused to write me a medical certificate for disability. He basically said I could sack him and find a new doctor, but as far as he is concerned I am not incapable of working, I just need to focus more energy towards work and less towards the Unsuitable Boy. SIGH. I know he is right. His theory makes sense to me -- I am preoccupied with the friendship-that-can't-be-more, and the constant disappointment he gives me. Doc A pointed out that the main fear of a Borderline is rejection/abandonment, and the way my relationship with Lloyd is, that is all I ever get from him. Because I love him, and he doesn't feel the same, any time I spend with him is a constant reminder of those failings.

I am back at work today, shaky and worried, but I am here.

I am trying to minimise the Lloyd Effect, and have a date with a nice man named Colin on Sunday. Doc A suggests that I keep trying to work on functional, positive, rewarding relationships as it will help me to move on from The Unsuitable Boy. Intellectually, I am completely aware that Lloyd is wrong for me, and in fact is an arrogant, selfish SOB. But my heart has made a connection that won't just go away. Obviously it has to go away... yet it's not an easy transition. I have decided to try and limit contact with him as much as possible, try to minimise the addiction/craving (as Doc A describes it!!).

Thank you everyone for your lovely and supportive comments lately, it's really made things better. I am continuing to fight the good fight - and with your help, my medication, some DBT and Doc A I will make it to a happier place! I am determined, my friends xx

Thanks to Belle & Sebastian for the title of today's post, it's from their song "She's Losing It"

you gotta know when to hold 'em

Lloyd broke up with me on Wednesday night. By text message - classy. And every day since then he has contacted me trying to get me to see him "as friends". I think he probably means the friends with benefits kind of friend LOL. I was devastated at first, I'm not gonna lie, there was sobbing and vomiting involved and many, many curse words. But now I am just confused. He says we get along beautifully, and have so much in common, but there are other contributing factors which mean we shouldn't "go out" as such. He had an argument online with Michelle, my housemate; he says he has not lost as much weight this month as previous months, which may or may not be because he's sabotaging himself because of me (!!!); the "physical side" of our relationship is not working for him (yet he has tried to booty call me twice since breaking up with me)... yada yada yada.

Ultimately, I have come to the conclusion that he just isn't ready for any kind of commitment. In many ways, he is like a 15 year old boy - messy, disorganised, sex-focused, immature - and I think as we grew closer and bonded more it scared the crap out of him. What a fricken cliche!!! I have been so laidback and easygoing, not demanding anything from him in the way of labels or commitments, so I can only imagine the freakout is entirely in his own head. What has really upset me is that he won't leave me alone since telling me it wasn't working. I wish he would just leave me to heal and move on. I am trying to get my head around the idea of going back on the internet dating roundabout and finding someone else, even though it's soon. I think that getting back on the horse, so to speak, might be the only way I stay sane...

I will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl

The problem with rejection is that when it visits it brings all it's obscure relatives that you'd forgotten. The cute guy who didn't add you on Facebook, the guy at work who never noticed you, the boy at school who called you a loser...they all come calling when some new rejection rears its head. To clarify, I don't really feel rejected by what's happened, but it did bring to mind other slights and disappointments, and I automatically believed the rejection came from my innate ugliness, weight and self-esteem issues.

Clarification. For the last week and a bit I've developed a great email exchange with a guy from my internet dating site. He's someone special - smart, funny and kind, and I'm planning to meet him next week. The bummer came a couple of days ago when he told me he'd started seeing another woman from the site, and as he's (in his words) a "one woman man", he can only meet me as a friend. Which is great, truly, because who knows if we would have any chemistry anyway. Perhaps this man and I would have ended up as "just" friends, even if we WERE both single. But I was hurt and disappointed that the opportunity is no longer there. We're still emailing every day, and have an awesome connection (SO much in common) and I can't wait to meet him on Wednesday. I felt a bit sad and rejected (that whole "what about me?" scenario) but I'm cool with it now.

I can't even believe I'm the same person I was six months ago. So far this year I've been out almost every day (movies, lunch, coffee, bowling) and I've actually made a new friend. The new medication mix is definitely working for me, and I'm trying hard to not fall back into old patterns (eg: becoming obsessed with my new friend and making my whole life about him). I see Doc A on Monday, so am planning to update him on all this! Good timing, hopefully he can help me to keep up my good work!

(Belle & Sebastian rock today's title, from Piazza New York Catcher - also on Juno soundtrack!)