Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Friday, April 16, 2010

when the first cup of coffee tastes like washing up she knows she's losing it

As the last couple of posts will attest, I am struggling just now. I took a week off from work, annual leave / mental health leave, and went to see Doc A a few times to try and work out how to get back on track. What I thought was my illness, or a general breakdown, he blames entirely on my focus on Lloyd and the dysfunctional relationship we're in. While I admit that there's a lot of energy being sent the way of the Unsuitable Boy, it's hard to comprehend that he/my reactions to him are entirely to blame for the shitty way I feel. When I am with him, I'm happy(ish); we've been spending a lot of time together over the last week as he was in hospital and needed my help (always a bad sign, as I am incapable of resisting the lure of someone who needs me...).

Doc A flatly refused to write me a medical certificate for disability. He basically said I could sack him and find a new doctor, but as far as he is concerned I am not incapable of working, I just need to focus more energy towards work and less towards the Unsuitable Boy. SIGH. I know he is right. His theory makes sense to me -- I am preoccupied with the friendship-that-can't-be-more, and the constant disappointment he gives me. Doc A pointed out that the main fear of a Borderline is rejection/abandonment, and the way my relationship with Lloyd is, that is all I ever get from him. Because I love him, and he doesn't feel the same, any time I spend with him is a constant reminder of those failings.

I am back at work today, shaky and worried, but I am here.

I am trying to minimise the Lloyd Effect, and have a date with a nice man named Colin on Sunday. Doc A suggests that I keep trying to work on functional, positive, rewarding relationships as it will help me to move on from The Unsuitable Boy. Intellectually, I am completely aware that Lloyd is wrong for me, and in fact is an arrogant, selfish SOB. But my heart has made a connection that won't just go away. Obviously it has to go away... yet it's not an easy transition. I have decided to try and limit contact with him as much as possible, try to minimise the addiction/craving (as Doc A describes it!!).

Thank you everyone for your lovely and supportive comments lately, it's really made things better. I am continuing to fight the good fight - and with your help, my medication, some DBT and Doc A I will make it to a happier place! I am determined, my friends xx

Thanks to Belle & Sebastian for the title of today's post, it's from their song "She's Losing It"


Wandering Coyote said...

I am with Doc A on this on. The amount of energy & focus you are putting on Lloyd is going to creep into every crevice of your life no matter how happy you are when you are with him...Wise mind, baby, wise mind!!!!

Ruby Tuesday said...

^^^ I concur with WC and also Belle and Sebastian, (I go off coffee at the first sign of physical or mental unrest!)

Glad to hear of your determination xx

Lady_Amanda said...

Hey Lil,

I know it's hard to get out of a relationship that your heart is connected to. Most of the time our heart is a lot stronger than our minds. I still think about my abusive ex - girlfriend and how much I loved her. Sometimes, I just want to go on facebook and find her. And you know how long it's been? She broke up with me over ten years ago. Isn't that messed up? She was hurting me and she was the one to break up with me! I think DBT and your Doctor will be a great help for you to listen to your head because you can't always follow your heart!

Praying for you,

Just Be Real/God Whispers In The Wind said...

Here listening dear....

Stacy said...

I feel for you. I too have had to end unhealthy relationships. Letting go of someone you love is so hard. Remember to do self soothing things. And give yourself time.
I admire your determination!

Sairs said...

I know it can be tough when you have to shift your attention away from someone that you do love because they aren't treating you the way you deserve. I have had this kind of relationship before and it just about killed my self-worth and destroyed my trust in people so much. I ran after this relationship for two years and I am so glad this person is out of my life now. I then had room to meet Andy and I love him to bits! I am so glad I didn't hang around for the other one, I would have been dissappointed over and over and over and I was. It hurt so much and I eventually just let it go and it was hard but necessary. I guess the hard thing is accepting it, but I didn't find it so hard that I wasn't able to tell them to piss off. When I realised how they had made me feel, I was really angry and I was very happy to let them go. It's something though that you have to be at the right place to do. I do hope the date you have, turns out well.

Borderline Lil said...

@ Coyote - SO true, wise mind, baby!!

@ Ruby Tues - great to see you!

@ Amanda - thank you for sharing your experience, it really helps me - knowing I am not the only one who feels out of control x

@ JBR - thank you my friend

@ Stacy - exactly Doc A's advice, self-soothing! It really works, doesn't it? Thanks for visiting x

@ Sarah - some things are hard but necessary, aren't they? Thanks so much for sharing this journey with me!