Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

way over yonder in the minor key

Struggle aplenty, I continue to fight for air. Yesterday was diabolical from the minute I woke up, with panic constricting head and heart. It took me an hour extra to get ready for work and actually go. Stomach was heaving and roiling, hands shaking. What if something happens to me on the way to work...what if it doesn't...

All the while Neil was kind and supportive and trying so damn hard. I wanted to hit him with the bedside lamp. I wanted to scream at him "This is all your fault, if you didn't have such a tragic history with suicide I could just kill myself already!"

Instead I said to him, semi-rational: "We should break up, you deserve better, you deserve someone normal and balanced who doesn't worry you." He made all the right noises, told me he adores me the way I am and admires me for coping so well most of the time. But who knows if we'll actually get through this dark time. He loves me, of course he loves me, but's a fucking joke. It's not enough ammunition against BPD and depression, and I should know because I already lost one man who loved me against the odds. Mr Ex worshipped me, and tried his damnedest, but in the end the illness maimed and claimed the relationship and then stood laughing in the wreckage.

I am trying to calm my mind with meditative thoughts and to ease the nausea and shaking with breathing exercises. It feels somewhat like shuffling deck chairs on the Titanic. I am trying to be confident that the Cymbalta will kick in...soon...any minute now...


Anonymous said...

Maybe it is time to add a med like abilify to the mix. It works really well for me. I do hope Neil can survive the Borderline and Depression episodes. You do sound very low right now. Best wishes to you Lil. hug hug and a big sloppy kiss too.

Pixie said...

Oh darling,

Meditate on the fact that this will pass. Nothing is permanent. Everything is shifting all the time. The feelings will pass.

I suspect that Lamactil will help you a lot if you decide to take it. And I know we are all different, but I noticed a difference very very quickly, and I am only on a low dose right now. Just a thought.

You know I love you and am here. Always. You know I know the pain and the feelings. And I know the agony sitting tight until the feelings bugger off.

In the mean time, scream, shout, cry, kick things, put a banana on your head, whatever gets you through, and keeps you safe.

Love you darling xxx

Saracide said...

I had a similar situation with my fiance the other day... i screamed at him, pushed him away, tried to break up with him, and honestly, I wanted to hit him. I didn't. But I wanted to so bad.

Sometimes I feel like I get in these routines when I have a BPD "episode," I guess you could call it. I always push everyone closest to me away, and try to break up with my fiance so, in my head, I am alright to off myself. Because he would be better without me/he doesn't deserve to be treated like this/could find so much better/I don't make him happy.

These same thoughts go through my head often, when I know it's crap. Sometimes, I verbalize them, and I hurt him. I know I hurt him. I have made him cry before.

I think there are special people out there who see through the mental illness, and are able to separate us from our illness.. and that, my dear, sounds like what you have with Neil. :)


Sairs said...

Oh Lil, I am so sorry you are feeling so awful. These types of feelings can be so so hard to deal with and I know because I tried to break up with Andy, as I'm sure you all remember, which was a BPD thing too. I just wanted to be alone with my illness not have anyone to stop me doing whatever I wanted to do, whether that be starve, self-harm or OD. In the end I realised how little my life would mean to me if I lost Andy. I am thinking of you!

Linda said...

Panic and anxiety are the worse, and I never really learned how to deal with them. I pace and yell at people. I don't know what to say Lil. Please just know lots of people are thinking of and caring for you today, and always for that matter.

Anonymous said...

lil, the comments and chorus we hear, ...u r not alone. u speaking out tells us as well that neither r we. many thanks. keep on.

Anonymous said...

You are right Lil, sometimes love just ain't enough but sometimes you can't worry about the love. You need to do what you can to take care of yourself. Do what you can and don't worry if it's enough. Everything will be ok.

d'Artagnan said...

I almost feel like you are narrating certain points of my own life! You are not alone.