Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself

(Ghandi)

Thursday, June 9, 2011

down among the dead men

Sometimes it's a hard life. I'm really struggling today, and had to take not one but two Valium in order to calm myself down enough to stay at work. All I could think about was running away. Pills, alcohol, car accidents, suicide, hospitals. Now, in the deadened calm of the diazepam, I just feel hollow and numb. Relief. I've been listening to some comedy TV shows on my iPhone to try and penetrate the gloom. Thankfully, I have my monthly appointment with Doc A this afternoon so am leaving work an hour early. I'm going to ask for more Valium (he reluctantly gave me a 20 tablet script last month which I haven't used yet but I'm worried I am going to need more). I'm wondering if he'll offer me more Cymbalta, as I'm on 90mg daily and there's evidence a higher dose might work better. I think I need a referral to a psychologist to work more intensely on CBT.

The suicidal ideation and self-harm is a real concern for me. It's been getting worse over the last few weeks. The other day I gathered all the pills in the house (and there are a lot, as Neil's mum gives us packets of her prescription-only high strength pain medication - don't ask me why!) and seriously considered taking them. I wanted to sleep forever, or end up away from everything in hospital. I'm annoyed with myself for the urge to run away. In the end, I could not do that to Neil. His dad gassed himself in the family car when Neil was in his 20s and ten years later his brother eventually hung himself after a few attempted overdoses. When he finally succeeded, it was Neil who went around to the house and found his brother's body. I just can't do that to him again. He deserves better than me. I wish I was healthy for him as well as for me.

I wonder what he must really think of me, now that we live together and he sees my daily struggle. Struggle to get out of bed, wash, dress, go to work, cook, clean, converse... Do I remind him of his dead brother, weak father, depressed mother... Does he compare me to his previous crackpot girlfriends... I don't doubt he loves me, but I worry sometimes how easy it is for pity to creep in.

Flash 'n the Pan had a hit in 1978 with a song by the same title as this post.

4 comments:

Pixie said...

Oh love, I am so sorry to hear you have hit a bump. And it is always hard to know what words will help. Sometimes when people say 'you are strong' or 'keep fighting' you just want to tell them that right now, no I'm bloody not. I'm glad you have an appointment today. Sometimes even talking to somebody about it and altering medication can make you 'feel' safer even before the change actually happens. I wouldn't be without diazepam. I take it pretty much daily - mainly to sleep when my head won't let up. I am lucky in that respect because my GP won't give it out at all, but Littlebird does (I don't think he cares as long as I shut up!) Yesterday I had a big dose as I just couldn't rest and then spent the rest of the day floating about. What does Linda say? Whatever helps you through the night.

Neil loves you, darling. And, bless his heart, he has seen some awful things in his life, but maybe that makes him more understanding. He wouldn't be by your side if he couldn't see what a beautiful girl you are. We can all see that. What does he or anybody deserve? Somebody loving, caring and supportive, and you are all those things. Of course I know it is not that easy, and how many times have I said that myself, but you truly are a beautiful person.

See Doc A and get that referral. Look at you, you are not running anywhere! You are saying this is the situation, I need some help, I am going to get it. That takes guts and strength and that wonderful determination that you always have.

So, you, go on, go to your appointment and we'll be waiting when you get back so you can tell us about it. Because we love you, girl.

xxxxxxx :-)

Linda said...

I don't know what to say Lil. Except, I want you to feel better and wish I could make you so. I wish I could bring you some magic and calm your soul. I wish I could bring you peace and make the bad thoughts go away. I am sending you all the strong light energy I can summon up right now.
I am sure you are very good for Neil and the kind of special person he needs. Those who have been "there", need others who know and understand and he has that in you. And, so much more!
Thinking, wishing, and hoping for you, and sending you good magic light.

Jane said...

My sweet Lil,
I am so sorry you're going through this right now. I hate it when these episodes come along and disrupt life. Just remember, this is NOT YOU. It's the illness that's crept up and it's trying to capture your soul. Don't let it. I find that when it happens for me, my insight is off, as well as my judgment, and things that I would never normally think or do, suddenly seems like an option. I would encourage you to remember that the things that you consider doing are your illness talking, its not even the real you at all. I think Neil is so wonderful for you. He understands that this is not you, it's the illness right now, and you WILL pull through. You always do. You're a fighter. You come back even stronger. We fighters can't be strong 100% of the time, or else we wouldn't have our struggle in the first place. I can relate though, because my hubby has to deal with me too, and my bipolar 'maintenance' which includes me NOT working, and also not always being able to do all the regular things all the time, like staying on top of cleaning and groceries. When I'm in my worst, I'm horrible. But over the years, he's just wanted to learn how to love me through it and understand it. I think Neil is the same way, and perhaps even more empathetic because he's seen it in his own family. He probably recognizes your strengths more than anyone, because he sees how much you fight, and that you pull through despite all your challenges. It's so admirable. I always admire you here, Lil. I know you're going to get through this. As cheesy as it sounds, "this too, shall pass." Don't let it overtake your real self. Don't lose hope. Don't lose heart. Hold on to reality as best as you can. I know you can do it! Fight the lies in your mind. Think about love. Think about all your success and what you have been able to accomplish despite your struggles in the past. Take as much rest as you possibly can. Don't expect too much from yourself at this time, let the pressure totally go. If you must cry, cry. And let Neil hold you and love you. We love you here too. You are precious, Lil. And so beautiful, on the inside and out. Hang on... and hopefully when you see the doc and get some meds straightened out, things will even out in your body and get back to normal.
Take care, friend. Love you. xoxo

In the Pink said...

It is certainly not good that you are feeling so depressed and anxious right now. When did this feeling start and why? You are such a fun lowing and tender soul. I wish you didn't have to suffer such despair. You need to buy a safe and only let Neil have the key or combination where you can store excess medicine. This is just to make it harder for you to be tempted to abuse them or OD on them. Goodness I hope you never actually follow through with the ideas.

But also it is so wonderful that you are able to resist the negative ideas. Crashing a car was always my temptation too. Anyhow I do hope your doctor can do something to give you better control of your depression. (((LIL)))