Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

drawn to those ones that ain't afraid

I'm really not good with change. One of the precursors, perhaps even catalysts, to my last psychotic break was shifting offices - the entire company moved across town to a newer, fancier office space which was my very idea of hideousness. Our old building was opposite a park, walking distance to the comfort of retail outlets and various cafes, and the office layout was cubicle style. I shared my cubicle with people I almost-liked. Then we moved to a street shared with a brothel and a methadone clinic where our entire company was set out over one huge floor, in open-plan setting, and my desk was adjacent to a couple of the loudest, most irritating telephonists and also near enough that I could overhear every critical comment directed at me from the woman known as the Notorious B.I.T.C.H. My paranoia, OCD, introversion, hysteria and the like escalated to the point that within a month I could no longer do my job and was put on medical leave (never to return).

I guess my point is that I need to make sure I'm doing okay with this new massive change in my life. Loneliness and abstract terror aside, am I managing to readjust and get in to some kind of groove? On the plus side, I am in good therapy now and have working medication (unlike prior to my breakdown when the huge dose of sertraline I was taking was making things worse rather than better). On the negative, I don't really have any stability in other areas of my life - although I've been at my job for 7 months now (can you believe how fast time passes??) I still feel like most people there consider me at worst a destructive influence, at best a hard-working annoyance. I'm determined to work at it, and stay there, because it's proving to be a great way to work through some of my Borderline issues and tendencies. But it's not the most comforting place to be and consequently I'm in a state of unease (disease? lol) at home as well as at work.

Knowing all this, and being self-aware and mindful (love that DBT), I believe I can claw my way to a state of security and calm. In some ways, the odds are probably against it, but one thing the odds don't take into account is my sheer bloody-mindedness haha!! I swear, that is more powerful than any medication or therapy for getting me through hell and high water. I simply refuse to let my illness, other people, fate, Satan, or what-ever beat me down. Dylan Thomas would say "rage, rage against the dying of the light", P!nk would say "don't let me get me". I like to quote the game show and shout NO DEAL.


Manda said...

I too have a terrible time dealing with change! I have tried three times to move to a new city and get a new job, and have failed every time and ended up moving back home with my parents. It is my dream to strike out on my own in the world as an independent woman, but my BPD fights me. I am working on DBT too and I hope it will help me overcome my anxieties and be able to chase my dreams!

Anonymous said...

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!

I know you can do this!

Just Be Real said...

I certainly DO NOT like change! Just being on my journey is tremendous CHANGE! ((((Lil))))

Dreamwriter said...

I don't like change either, I am not good with it..hang in there..You will come shining through!

Borderline Lil said...

@Manda - hey there, thanks for visiting! Keep at the DBT, it's worked well for me and I'm sure you will get out there and find your independence x

@Ari - I hope you're right, thanks for the support my friend!

@JBR - You're right, as usual - just being on this journey is a huge change. Hugs back to you (((jbr)))

@Dreamwriter - Thank you for the support, it's great to know I'm not in this alone :D

Anonymous said...

Seven months? Can that really be? It seems more like last week you started your job. As I've said before I love your attitude. You will prevail--you simply have no choice because you're a winner Lil. "Sheer bloody-mindedness"-- love that!

Jennifer, aka beautiful mind, complex life said...

I think it's great that you have that sheer bloody mindedness and you're not afraid to use it! Don't give up; things always get better eventually. That's what I try to remind myself frequently. Just don't give up. You will make it through this job and this time and everything stressful in your life.

Liz said...

You're not alone in not liking change -- it just affects you in vastly different ways. But remember that lots are uncomfortable with change. I think the fact that you can write about things puts you so darn ahead of the game. It gives you an outlet, it puts you in touch with others, it makes you consider your life, your struggles -- and YOUR SUCCESSES! Don't forget those. My relative with bipolar disorder can't hold a job to save her soul -- she gets paranoid that people are talking about her, sabatoging her, etc. It's very sad. I'm just finishing a very hopeful book about the blessings of bipolar disorder, so to speak, "Blessed with Bipolar," by Richard Jarzynka. He was about 3 weeks shy of completing his master's in pscyhology when he, in his own words, "cracked up" for the first time. He talks about the gifts he's been given, and says, simply, that a diagnosis is not a death sentence.

Polar Bear said...

Yeah, I struggle a lot with change too.

I hope that with time, the stable things in your life will stretch out longer, and you will find peace someday soon.

Lady_Amanda said...

Hi Lil,
It's sounds like you are in a good place in your life right now, but you are also wondering when the next shoe will drop. I can't definalty identify with that. Sometimes life sucked for so long, we can't believe the good. I think we totally need help from ourselves.
Have a Merry Christmas,

Jane said...

Hi Lil!

You write so beautifully! I love your creative juices. I am so proud of you for searching within you to smother that which tries to destroy you. Your inner strength is beautiful and courageous. In my opinion, from this point, you can only come out on top. :)


Anonymous said...

I hope all is well with you Lil and you saw the new year in safely and happy. My best to you. Happy New Year.