Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Wednesday, December 2, 2009

and i hate elevator music...the way we fight

I'm a big, fat, bawling, slack-jawed baby.

I miss having a fully-stocked fridge and pantry.
I hate having to add up in my head how much it costs to buy cheese AND crackers.

I miss air-conditioning.
I hate having to grovel to property managers about broken ceiling fans.

I miss green garden beds and roses.
I hate stupid weeds and overgrown garden mess.

I miss my mom cooking three nights a week.
I hate having to organise my own meals every damn day.

I miss window locks and safety screens.
I hate worrying about thieves, rapists and murderers.

I miss my dog and my other cat.
I miss the swimming pool.
I miss having the internet and email at home.
I miss someone noticing if I'm too sick to get out of bed.

There are plenty of things I don't miss about living with my family. Notably, the extra 2 hours bus transport every day. But it's a massive adjustment, and sometimes I catch myself in the mindset that it's a temporary move, as if I'm on vacation somewhere alone and will end up back in the family home before long. Of course, that's not true, nor do I WANT it to be true.

I guess I'm just waiting for time to pass, and for it to seem normal/acceptable/okay that I am lacking all those things listed above. I know it will happen. Meantime I'm Cliche-Girl - keeping my chin determinedly up, soldiering on, hanging in there, waiting to exhale...


David said...

Hey, well you've made a list. That's a start? You'll sort stuff out, even if at worst you move somewhere again. Good for you for doing it. And if it all gets too much, you can always go back.

I know how you feel though. I've had that list in my head for twenty plus years now. Maybe we just get used to living with it?

Take care, Dx

Wandering Coyote said...

Ah, Lil! You are going to be just great and you know it! Yes, it's a HUGE transition! But you are going to be fine - you just need a bit of time to adjust! HUGS!

Anonymous said...

Hi Lil,
If I were nearby i'd come over and work that garden. Infact you'd even have a ready-planted veggie patch by the end of the week (might help with the food bills?).
Maybe you could write another list of all the really great things about living 'independant', just for balance.
House-moves are always stressful. It took me 18 months to recover from my last one and there are still 2 unpacked boxes on my landing. It doesn't make sense that I haven't dealt with them yet and prefer to stub my toe on them each time I go for a pee in the night. I gues they're just there signifying my ultimate refusal to fully commit to anywhere being completely 'home'.
Have you had a 'house warming' yet? Put me the virtual-guest list!
Take care.

Elizabeth A. said...

Right there with ya, sister.

Even though it's my main job, meal planning really irritates me sometimes. Really. And then I feel guilty.

And serious anxiety about staying home alone. Serious. I'm thinking about purchasing a handgun.

Ruby Tuesday said...

I hear you on most of those! I guess it's natural to yearn for the family home, especially when things are tough and you're looking for comfort. But like you said, your independence is also important, and you're doing really well.

All the good things will be in your home one day! xxx

Just Be Real said...

My dear Lil, transitions and change are always difficult. Desire is so evident! Adjustment takes time. Here listening to you and understanding.....

Thanks for sharing. ((((Lil))))

Borderline Lil said...

D - thank you for the support, especially considering the true issues you and K are dealing with (as opposed to my whining issues lol). You're right, I think there's always that kind of a list in our heads.

WC - I know, I know, it'll work out! And I just need adjustment time. Thank you for the hugs, means a lot coming from a fellow introvert haha!!

K - angel, thank you for the veggie garden idea! Great plan, and even without your expert help I may get there. Like you said, would solve two probs at once. If I had a housewarming, you'd be at the top of the guest list xx

Liz - "They" say that crime rates are down in most places, even though the media reports seem to suggest otherwise. But the older I get the more fearful I am about my personal safety. It sucks!! Thanks for the support, lovely.

RT - I hope you're right, it's nice to think of having a lovely home again (which is mine, not half someone else's). Yay for independence!

JBR - Thank you for listening and understanding, it really means SO MUCH. Hugs back x