Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself

(Ghandi)

Monday, December 7, 2009

dressed like a punk you were too young to remember

Had a great session with Doc A on Thursday, where I rambled about my babyish fears and feelings of separation anxiety from my family, and he made the predictable, yet accurate, statements about the challenges of individuation and such. I sometimes think that my main gain from therapy is the validation, which seems so irritating because it's a basic service I shouldn't need to pay $250 an hour for, and for which Doc A needn't have studied for ten years! I could have just recorded my own voice on a tape recorder saying "you are fine, you are okay, yes you have reasons to be angry, yes it's okay to feel sad". Aaargh. I'm kidding, really, I know there's more to it and that the work I'm doing with Doc A has helped my Ego gain control over the rampaging Id and all that Jungian palaver. In the end, I can say 100% that therapy is worth the effort and the financial outlay - I'm "better" with it than without it I guess. That's what it comes down to with medication, too. If I function more effectively, and feel happier and more peaceful on fluoxetine and amisulpride, then I'll keep taking it.

In other news, I had a brief reawakening of my mojo a couple of weeks ago, brought about by a flirtatious afternoon with my 18-year-old coworker Logan. Innappropriate, who me?? It's interesting to me that I could actually FEEL myself becoming BPD-ish, and more importantly could head my obsessive fantasies off at the pass, as if they were runaway brumbies lol. He's a lovely lad, and if I was twenty (or even ten haha!) years younger I'd give it a red hot go, but really - even I know where to draw the line. Logan is the only man who works for the Foundation, and Michelle said to me maybe I'd fixated on him because I missed male company and Logan was the only male in my environment... Probably true! I'm not exactly falling over blokes in my current life. Most of the time I don't want one (a bloke that is), but sometimes it's nice to imagine. I'm relieved that my fancying Logan was a short and sweet moment in time, rather than a long drawn-out obsessive crush like that last two workmates I flirted with. Maybe I really AM becoming well??

(Belle & Sebastian provide today's song lyric - "I'm a Cuckoo")

3 comments:

tricia said...

There is always a note of hope and strength in your posts. I'm always happy to hear you are making progress. Thanks for coming by my orphan blog my friend. I appreciate it so much. Short and sweet moments may be the best kind. ;)

Elizabeth A. said...

$250?!? Christ Almighty! I hope your medical covers some of that.

Yeah, I can feel myself to start to go BPD-ish. I like that term. I'm very proud of myself when I get on the rational train without incident because I've worked hard enough to manage it.

Borderline Lil said...

Thanks for stopping by lovely ladies! I'm so happy that there's positivity in my posts, Tricia, I really try to find something positive in everything even though it's damnably hard sometimes! And yes, I think you may be right that those sweetly fleeting moments are the nicest :D Elizabeth, yes thankfully I get most of that $250 back from the government medicare system! We should be proud to be able to control our mood swings, I reckon, like you say - we've worked hard!