Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Wednesday, September 1, 2010

lucky just to linger in your life

I've been absent from here again, caught up in the blissful ordinariness of life. It seems that I blog more regularly when things are bleak, so rest assured if you haven't heard from me in a while it's because all is well. It seems so trite to post the positives, even though I know people are happy to hear them.

My bloke, Neil, is lovely.

He listens to my complaining, laughs at my lamest jokes, cooks me delicious meals and buys me stuffed toys and flowers. He's fun and fabulous in bed! Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure it's not a wonderful dream I will wake up from to find myself lonely and alone. Having someone in my corner, on my side, is an amazing feeling and I am SO LUCKY. I accidentally called him by Mr Ex's name the other day, due in part probably to the physical resemblance but also because I spent ten years using Mr Ex's name. Neil took it in his stride and didn't get upset, which was a relief. I felt awful, because in no way does Neil remind me of Mr Ex in any way apart from the superficially physical. I think he knows that, which is why he was okay with my little faux pas!

Apart from ye olde love life, things are fairly stable. Work is going well, I now work three days a week (Tues - Thurs) and then have a four day weekend every week - which I gotta tell you, rocks!! Neil has Sundays off, and mostly Mondays, so we often spend a couple of days overdosing on each other. I am incredibly relaxed with him, even naked LOL. This is probably TMI but for the first time I feel like I have the opportunity and the support to just let go and have fun in the bedroom. We're both experimental and openminded and really match each other well. Which, as regular readers will know, is the opposite to Mr Ex. I always thought I was oversexed, or weird, but being with Neil shows me that it wasn't me who had the problem all those years...

Doc A suggested I was stable enough to go off the anti-psychotic (Solian), which I did a few weeks ago. I haven't really noticed any difference, and thankfully the OCD hasn't returned and I haven't been binge-eating. Doc A also pushed out my appointments to once a month rather than once a week, which suits me as there doesn't seem to be a lot to talk about lately. Unlike other relationships, I'm not black/white, obsessive or game-playing with Neil, and we are building a good level of trust that keeps me comfortable. I keep expecting problems to crop up, for triggers to go off, but so far the last couple of months have been placid. No doubt something will come along to derail or perturb me! But meanwhile, I am enjoying the smooth ride.


Anonymous said...

I am so friggin happy for you Lil!! You have a good man, work is stable, and you are off the antipsych! Plus you have a healthy libido...what more could a girl want. haha!

Wendy said...

It's wonderful what love can do for us who are suffering from a disorder that many shun. Your post gives me hope that someday I may find someone who loves me like Neil loves you. Congrats.! : )

Ruby Tuesday said...

I like reading about all the positive things you've got going on! None of it is trite if it's making you happy. x

Wandering Coyote said...

I am so happy for you, Lil...I almost want to cry! Keep on rockin', girlfriend!

Jane said...

Oh, I just know this phase. It's when things seem to be going up and up and so well. Reminds me of the game Jenga. Take a block from the bottom and you put it on the top, take a block from the middle and put it on the top... and you're doing that. You're doing without some of the structures that helped build you, but you CAN because your other foundations are so strong now and holding you well!

Recently, I began on that journey and in the last year my medication has been lowered by at least half! And I'm still doing BETTER! So I have very high hopes for you.

And since I cannot say that everything has ridden out perfectly when stress hit me, I will leave you with a tiny bit of advice in case you hit a bump in the road too (God forbid). Be ultra aware of your triggers. Don't be afraid to increase your meds again just for a week or so until things level out. Seek another appointment with your doc. Just make sure that if you start sliding, the sliding stops hard before you continue to make more positive changes.

I know you're on such a wonderful and encouraging journey. I am delighted to walk with you through it. It's amazing :)