Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

greetings loved ones

Ticking along, ticking along. Life continues to surprise and delight me with its evenhanded sweetness. I am steadily growing fonder of The Man (Neil), who loves to buy me flowers and cheesecake and recently cooked me the best roast dinner I've ever eaten. We talk every day, and each time we see each other it's the perfect mix of excitement and relaxation. Weird, but it feels like we've been dating for years already. Did I tell y'all he bears more than a passing physical resemblance to Mr Ex? It freaks me out sometimes, makes me wonder whether there is something sick and twisted going on in my subconscious. Michelle, housemate, says as long as Neil doesn't resemble Mr Ex in character then that's the most important thing. But it's twelve years since Mr Ex and I first hooked up, so who would know what he was like then, before the marriage rot set in and the sexual ambivalence started to send me mad... I tend to think that Neil is made from stronger stuff, and much more focused and passionate than Mr Ex ever was. And if his only major flaw is that he is of similar build and colouring as my ex-husband, then Neil is definitely a keeper.

I've told Neil about the coincidence, and he is conscious of not reminding me in other ways of Mr Ex. I think I will have to run it past Doc A and see what he thinks, whether he's concerned that I am reliving the past or trying to subconsciously return to those dark days of unhappy matrimony.

In other news, my Cymbalta side effects have all but disappeared. I've been taking it (60mg) for almost 2 and a half months now, and it's still working a treat to keep me activated and stable-minded. At first I had wicked constipation (TMI? Sorry!), cotton mouth and a few troubles with orgasm, but thankfully all those things have passed. Doc A promised they would, but naturally I thought I knew better LOL. I'm finding that my weight has dropped slightly, as my appetite seems decreased, which is always a benefit. It's one drug I wouldn't hesitate to recommend. Combined with the 50mg of Solian I am taking, it's really helped me to turn things around from where they were in dismal May. Most of the time I feel mellow, cheerful, positive and full of potential. Work asked me to increase my hours, which I'm happy to do now I'm stable again, which shows they must think I am "well" and functioning.

As good as the Cymbalta is, though, I think it's just as empowering and enriching to have someone kind and loving in my life. Someone who tells me how much I mean to him, and reinforces my positive thoughts and qualities. Someone I inexplicably feel physically comfortable with, and who "lights my fire" on a regular basis (-: I am officially resigned from the dating sites now, and am focusing my attention on the relationship I have, here and now. He called me his girlfriend the other day, and damn if it didn't feel good...

(title of post from Katy Perry's California Gurls)


Sairs said...

I am happy for you for finding someone really nice that you like and who likes you. I don't think it's a bad thing if someone resembles someone in appearence as long as they don't in character if that person had a horrible character, if you know what I mean. I think you are doing so awesome. Good for you in getting yourself in a position where everything is balanced and your life is going well.

In the Pink said...

Oh man, congratulations on the good vibes. I love it that you are in such a zen place. I hope the extra hours bring you lots of extra money! lol. Also I want to thank you for addressing your medication. I take Cymbalta (over a year) and it works so freaking well! Again, I am glad you are doing well.

Jen Daisybee said...

It's great to here how well you are doing, Lil. It sounds like your medication and your relationship are both doing wonders for your life and you are genuinely happy. I had noticed a period where you didn't post and was wondering how things were going. Glad to hear your good news. I wouldn't worry about the appearance factor if he doesn't have anything in his personality resembling the ex's bad qualities, as others said.

Lady_Amanda said...

Hey Lil,

I am so happy that you found a good man. I have always been a firm believer that looks don't matter, it's how somoeone treats you. But if talking to Dr. A. makes you feel better than do that. That's also awesome you found a good medicine. That's really important. I think therapy is important, but medicine does play a role.

Hugs and blessings,

Wandering Coyote said...

Go Cymbalta! I am loving it, too, and I also found it to be an appetite suppressant, which I was totally OK with! Glad the combo is working well for you. I take it with respiridone and this seems to be working well for me. Once again, I am so happy to hear things are going swimmingly in the love department! I am so excited for you!

Just Be Real said...

Congrats Lil. Much happiness. Thank you for sharing the new. Blessings, JBR

Inside the Mind of a... said...

I'm happy you've found someone that makes you happy! It's rare and enjoy it!!!! I hope you've been doing better. I was just diagnosed with bpd and i'm still really struggling with what the label is doing to me...

your blog has really helped!