Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself

(Ghandi)

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

should be hoping but I can't stop thinking

No matter how much I think I've changed, or "recovered", there's always the Big Dark hovering the background waiting to devour. Lately it's been creeping around making its evil presence felt in subtle ways. A couple of episodes of binge eating. Some temper tantrums. Shortness of breath, tightness of chest. Whether it can be blamed on PMS or the medication change is something that will come to light in time, but the overall negativity of mood at the moment is scaring me shitless. Housemate Michelle said to me last night "What's your problem, you've got a job, somewhere to live, a boyfriend..." and although it was said entirely in jest, she really has a point. Outwardly, there is no reason for my uneasy feeling. No external trigger for these nerves that are starting to stretch out like barbed wire.

I am considering going back on the antipsychotic, Solian. I definitely wonder if the binge eating is related to going off the meds, as one of the main reasons for Doc A prescribing it was to help with my eating. I've started "inhaling" food again, instead of maintaining mindfulness and enjoying food in a relaxed and slow way. I ate a huge bag of potato chips in less than half an hour on Monday, and then polished off a number of chocolate bars. It reminded me of the bad old days before my weight loss surgery when I would regularly binge like that. I have no idea what triggered it, if anything. Although there have been some nasty thoughts hovering around lately.

As much as I am happy and in love, and definitely feel "loved", part of me wonders when it will all start to go bad. When Neil will see how pathetic and ugly I am, when he will realise the huge mistake he's made, when he will run away and never look back. It's a constant struggle to keep these stupid, pointless, damaging, groundless fears at bay. If a short time passes when we don't have sex, I think "It's the beginning of the end, he's gone off me already." If he doesn't text me until lunchtime I think "Remember the beginning of our relationship, when the first thing he did every morning was text?" Who am I to second guess and question such a decent and honest man?? I don't deserve him if I'm going to act in such a self-destructive way.

One of the things I constantly say, and believe, is that relapse is part of recovery. I suppose this is one of those moments of relapse, when old habits and thought patterns threaten to sabotage my current happiness. I'm trying so hard not to be terrified that the Cymbalta is losing effectiveness, and that another breakdown is imminent. So far I am managing to keep up at work, and still show a fairly cheerful front to Neil and everyone else. The Big Crazy is still held at bay, which is something positive I suppose. While I maintain control, and have insight, I have hope that I will get through this time of darkness.

*Post title is from This Woman's Work (Kate Bush) - melancholy as suits my mood...

5 comments:

In the Pink said...

Oh man Lil...it is a shame you aren't doing so well. You seemed to be well for so long. You sound depressed and maybe increasing the Cymbalta would help during this rough time. But also, put down the candybars...you are searching for a quick pick me up and food is one of the easiest ways to get it. So try to be mindful of your actual hunger.

Also adding the Solian may be a good thing. I am so sorry you don't feel well. Best wishes and call your doctor sweety.

My Black Fog said...

Binge eating,... hmmm,... I do that on occasion. (and I mean eat a LOT) I just hadn't connected it to any of my illnesses. I guess I figured I had enough wrong with me without putting a label on my binge eatting too. You think it's the illness or the medication??
Anyway, keep your chin up. We're all behind you.

Wandering Coyote said...

First of all, LOVE that song by Kate Bush.

I can appreciate how you feel. I also worry about a big crash being imminent all the time now that things are going fairly well for me and I have been recovered for about a year. I think that's a natural fear we all have after going through hell and back with an illness such as what we have. I think it's part of having a chronic illness. And it IS a chronic illness, make no mistakes about it. We have to manage it rather than try to control or cure it, and that takes very hard, conscious work, as you know. Past experience has taught us that we burn easily and so we always fear future burns. But, Lil, don't let it stop you from living in the NOW. I have gotten into the mind frame of "OK, I am capable NOW, I can do XYZ NOW, and I will go for it because I don't know how long this will last." It's a conscious effort for me not to fear or ruminate about the future, and it takes practice.

If the Solian was helping you out with binge eating, don't be afraid to go back on it if you find you are trending towards that pattern again.

And just because there are no outward triggers to your anxieties and behaviours, doesn't make them less real or less valid. Again, that's part of having a chronic illness.

Chin up and keep on rocking it, girlfriend. I am so proud of how far you've come and how much work you've done to get where you are now!

Lady_Amanda said...

Hey Lil,

Wanted to drop by your blog, thanks for droping by mine. I think with mental illness there will always be relapses, but the severity of them will lessen. Believe me in November it will have been eleven years since I been diagnosed. On Nov. 6, 1999 I was court ordered to a mental health unit against my will because I was going to end it all. I didn't recover from that eposide for about three years. Just a month ago I checked myself into the hospital because I felt like ending it all and I was recovered in two weeks. Once the doctors have some idea what works and what doesn't it's a little easier for them to make changes on your meds. Plus you got all kinds of skills. You know your DBT! My point is even wit this is a set back, it probably won't last as long or be as bad. I also didn't know you had an eating diorder so to speak. I emotionally eat too. So I hear you girl!

Hugs with blessings,
Amanda

Dee said...

Gosh...I know exactly what you are saying. Makes perfect sense.

So what do we do? Like how I talk about Tim & his disease...we need to defeat the disease before it defeats us. So easy to say, Oh I know! It is struggle for man, while to some its just ok!

Just know that despite those daily thoughts and struggles that you have people behind you to support you for YOU.

Keep the faith lady!! we have to...to survive!