Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself

(Ghandi)

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

it's life, Jim, but not as we know it

Pitiful update on pathetic life.

I am struggling to even string a sentence together these days, which is why I've been absent from this page. I'm here now to reassure those of you who have noticed the absence that I am still fighting. Still waving, not drowning.

I am half-leftover-in-love with the Unsuitable Boy, who continues to string me along one text message at a time. Consciously, I know we are wrong for each other, and intellectually I understand the complex reasons why I can't let go. He is one of the only people I've ever met who is crazier than I am, he makes me feel normal, I don't have to do my fake "Mary Poppins" persona with him and be cheerful/chirpy, I feel empathetic and compassionate towards him for his past. None of these things are foundation-for-relationship. The deal-breakers between us are many, but they make little or no impression on the sad and sorry part of me that just wants to be with him rather than without him.

Work situation is dire, I am crippled with boredom and apathy and as poor as the proverbial church mouse. Time is approaching when I make my yearly foray into the job market. I seem to only be able to manage 12 months at a job (the last three positions have been almost exactly one year). I need more money, greater stimulus, perhaps a wider range of social opportunity. Men. My workplace is 100% female, and sometimes I fear I may suffocate from the estrogen.

I have an appointment with a community financial counsellor this week, attempting to stave off the bankruptcy that has threatened me since my breakdown and loss of employment last year. When I left my husband I inherited a large debt that I've struggled to pay off, and with the added issue of only working part-time, and being badly paid, the debt has spawned other, lesser debts, that now threaten to engulf me. I am trying, so hard, to keep paying everything and keep food on the table. It makes me so very very tired.

This is one of those posts people will wish they never read lol. It all has to be said, for I would never want to self-censor, but I apologise for the lack of cheer. Bleak and dark days, my friends. But I continue to struggle against the black dog.

11 comments:

Wandering Coyote said...

Ah, Lil, I am so sorry to hear you are struggling. BIG stuff going on - the financial stuff alone is crippling to deal with, and with a guy stringing you along...it's too much. You said you are waving, but not drowning, and from that statement I take heart. Let me know if you want to set up a time to chat on instant messenger and vent, OK? I'm here if you need me. Take care of yourself.

Borderline Lil said...

Thanks, Coyote, you're a sweetheart. It makes a big difference to know you get it x

Sairs said...

Damn blogger at my very long comment. I really just wanted to say keep on putting one foot in front of the other and I hope that the financial stuff will get a little better soon. Thank you for all your lovely comments too!
*hugs*
Sarah

Lady_Amanda said...

It's funny how you seem to be in a sucky mood when I am. I know you know about my last blog entry because you were the first person to comment. However, debt is very scary and I really feel for you. That sucks to have gotten a debt in a divorce. I mean a freakin' divorce is bad enough! I am also sure that when you find the job that really "fits" you, that you will be at it longer than twelve months! I promise you. Just keep going. Remember everything changes and sometimes we look back and can't believe what a good thing is that happened to us.

Hugs my blog buddy,
Amanda

BiPolargemin8 said...

:( I am sorry your going through such a rough time. I am there with you many days. I cant seem to get a full blog out. Hugs to my friend.

Chaotic Kass said...

you are fine. we all have those days. I also have never been able to keep a job more than a year. The one job I would have kept was doing security for the department of state, I was being paid well there and was happy there. It was always changing but still doing the same thing. I got to talk to an array of different people on a daily basis. Then my mom got sick and I had to leave there cuz she was the one watching my son on the weekends that I worked which was every weekend so that my hsuband, son, and I had family time together. Keep on keeping on, and you will be just fine. If bankruptcy is the way you have to go, it's really not that bad. Good luck with everything.

Stacy said...

So sorry about the rough time. I can so relate to the depression related to financial struggles. It's a resession after all. It's so hard to compartmentalize those financial things and keep them from overflowing into our emotional lives. It will get better!
Take care of you

Just Be Real/God Whispers In The Wind said...

(((Lil) So very sorry for your struggles. Here with you listening.....

Jennifer, aka beautiful mind, complex life said...

Lil, I'm sorry I haven't come by your blog more often. I can relate so well to what you describe here. Oh, there is nothing worse than a shady boy you fall for the wrong guy. I did that. For a long time. A long, long time. It was totally obvious to any rational or sane person that there was absolutely nothing good for me in being in contact with that guy, but I thought it was love, and I couldn't help it. But the truth is, I could help it. I had to make myself cut off all contact and convince him to do so as well. I have never felt more free than I do now, a couple years after all of that ended. It wasn't even a relationship as much as it was me wishing it was a relationship and creating a delusional world in my mind where this person was on a pedastal that nobody deserves to be on, and I felt that feeling sorry for him for all the troubles in his life was equal to having true love. It wasn't. It was pity, not love. And he surely never loved me. Realizing how much I had deluded myself was rough, and took time, but I finally did it. It still makes me sad at times. I think back to the person I thought he was. Then I remind myself - I made up that person in my head. That person doesn't exist. And so I go on with my life. Nothing else we can do, really.

I hope that all of the issues you're dealing with work out for the best. Take care, Lil! Your blog is excellent.

Ruby Tuesday said...

hello my dear. I'm sorry I haven't around lately. I really hope that things improve soon xx

Ruby Tuesday said...

the secuirty word for my comment was "solace" - I rather like that.