it's life, Jim, but not as we know it

Pitiful update on pathetic life.

I am struggling to even string a sentence together these days, which is why I've been absent from this page. I'm here now to reassure those of you who have noticed the absence that I am still fighting. Still waving, not drowning.

I am half-leftover-in-love with the Unsuitable Boy, who continues to string me along one text message at a time. Consciously, I know we are wrong for each other, and intellectually I understand the complex reasons why I can't let go. He is one of the only people I've ever met who is crazier than I am, he makes me feel normal, I don't have to do my fake "Mary Poppins" persona with him and be cheerful/chirpy, I feel empathetic and compassionate towards him for his past. None of these things are foundation-for-relationship. The deal-breakers between us are many, but they make little or no impression on the sad and sorry part of me that just wants to be with him rather than without him.

Work situation is dire, I am crippled with boredom and apathy and as poor as the proverbial church mouse. Time is approaching when I make my yearly foray into the job market. I seem to only be able to manage 12 months at a job (the last three positions have been almost exactly one year). I need more money, greater stimulus, perhaps a wider range of social opportunity. Men. My workplace is 100% female, and sometimes I fear I may suffocate from the estrogen.

I have an appointment with a community financial counsellor this week, attempting to stave off the bankruptcy that has threatened me since my breakdown and loss of employment last year. When I left my husband I inherited a large debt that I've struggled to pay off, and with the added issue of only working part-time, and being badly paid, the debt has spawned other, lesser debts, that now threaten to engulf me. I am trying, so hard, to keep paying everything and keep food on the table. It makes me so very very tired.

This is one of those posts people will wish they never read lol. It all has to be said, for I would never want to self-censor, but I apologise for the lack of cheer. Bleak and dark days, my friends. But I continue to struggle against the black dog.