Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Tuesday, April 20, 2010


On the corner of my street is a big house with an impressive rose garden, with bushes that froth over the wall and into the street. I've taken to stopping as I pass and smell the roses, how cliched. They are all colours, each has a slightly different scent. The reason I share this with you now is that a week ago I didn't even notice them, would walk straight past either crying, frowning or lamenting my fate, or all three at once. But since I followed Doc A's advice and faced my fears, going back to work and sticking it out, things have taken a turn for the better. It really did have a flow-on effect. Friday night I resisted the lure of Lloyd, who was texting me wanting me to go out with him and offer him my usual support and adoration. I felt like I am finally moving on from the maniacal obsession...

I saw Doc A yesterday and he said to me "Patients as aware as you rarely exist in therapy" and "You're so brave, I'm proud of you". Even though I take his validations with a BPD-grain-of-salt, I was chuffed that he said them. I felt like I'd earned them, having been thoroughly sick and terrified of returning to work after my enforced week's mental leave but doing it anyway. And doing it without tears, panic, or escape plans.

I had good news to share with Doc A, and to share here with y'all now. The date with Colin on Sunday was really, really nice. It's a dull word, that doesn't do the event justice, but it kind of describes it. No drama, no meanness, no embarrassment, just solid, easy conversation with a mature and interesting man. I managed to be friendly and outgoing without using my full-on BPD-overdrive Mary Poppins persona - which is a major victory. And yes, he called. And yes, we have a second date on Saturday. And yes, I am happy. Thankfully, it feels more like rebuilding than emotional BPD mood bouncing.


butterfly keeper said...

allow me to return the comment: good for you, Lil!

good for you. because you are courageous and you did something (well someTHINGS) to take care of YOU.

feels good, don't it?

Wandering Coyote said...

Ah, how I adore roses! Somehow, they always make me happy. Good to hear things are moving forward for you and that the process of letting go is starting for you. I'm so happy your date with Colin went well!

Stacy said...

I'm so excited for you! Way to go!

Sairs said...

Firstly, I am so proud of you for facing your fears too. It does feel good when a doc tell you that but also that they can see you are really aware as I get that one a lot too. Also way to go on the date, I really hope the next one is just as good. It looks like you've done some major thinking and sorting out what you want to do right now, so good for you and keep going, it sounds awesome!

In the Pink said...

Congratulations on going back to work with your head held high. Never easy after a mental health break. I enjoy your blog. PS Doctors rarely tell patients things they don't believe. most likely do have a mature insight to your BPD. Best wishes.

bpdisme said...

Just happened upon your blog. I am fairly new to blogging (albeit not to BPD). Those words from your doc are awesome, by the way. Go you! What I wouldn't give to hear something so positive from mine (although I know he'd never give me the satisfaction -- he's not the validating type, unfortunately). Anyway, just wanted to say hello. I look forward to reading more. Keep writing! :)

Just Be Real/God Whispers In The Wind said...

Very nice Lil. What the doc said was wonderfully encouraging. Blessings to you.

Lady_Amanda said...

Hey Lil,

It feels good when you do something that's good for you mentally. I find it the hardest thing in the world. I mean I went to a inner city high school with gangs and guns and drugs. I been through college level calculus with a Prof. who couldn't speak English let alone write on the board in it. I lived through the death of both my grandparents who I was very close too. And when I walk out of the therapist office with advice I am more terrfied of that. It gets easier with time. And the rewards are soooo wonderful. Like stopping to smell the roses! Also I just want to say love your pic and way to go with a healthy relationship.


Polar Bear said...

So happy to hear things are going well with your date. You deserve nothing less.

Jiinxsay Lee Whild said...

wOw Lil!!!

i also found your blog thru "Bowling w/BPD" links :)
first, let me just say, you are an amazing inspiration to me!!!! your are sooo STRONG!!
i could never EVERRRR date :O i am terrified, not to mention i have too many physical & mental frailties. i longgg to LOVE & be loved in return. i have never been married & believe wholeheartedly in the institution of marriage :) so RESPECT & PROPS for having the courage to go on a date :)
second, i too have been in addictive relationships, which of course i didn't know were "addictive" until wayyy later :O
much later i learned that for ME, choosing THAT kind of relationship also helps me to "keep the focus off myself", i spent sooo much time worrying about "him", putting up w/mental, emotional, sexual abuse, settling for wayyy less. it was told to me that he was "just part of my disease". she was referring to my alcoholism, but the same goes for BPD.
i've only verrry recently accepted the diagnosis of BPD, & at the same time i did that, i also accepted that i DO have bipolar TYPE 2.
i guess what i really want to get across is, for ME, the chaos & insanity-("doing the same thing over & over, expecting different results") that comes with that kind of relationship simply keeps me away from myself, someone i could not deal with, ME.
drat, i'm rambling now :( i'm sooo sorry, i really wanted to offer my experience, strength & hope :)
lastly, i am NOT yet in any kind of therapy. every BPD blog i read, people sound better when they are actively working on themselves. i fear my ghetto insurance will never cover dialectical therapy. i DID, however, happen upon a dr's name, who heads up the BPD program at McLean's Hospital, which i guess is famous, another reason they will never accept my insurance. but! i plan on emailing him -(as Belmont-outside of Boston-is less than 25 miles away!) & asking for his input, help, networking.
i think it is wonderful that Doc A was giving you real positive feedback! that's awesome & important. it let's you know you ARE making progress & that you are not the only one noticing it :)
k, sorry i went on sooo long. perhaps i should change my "mini-profile" on front page of blog, to include my "frailties"....scared to.
have a lovely weekend, i am joining your group of followers & am looking fwd to reading more from you :)

<3 Jiinxsay

Sairs said...

Hi Lil, I just wanted to let you know that I gave you a passionate blogger award on my blog. Please don't feel like you need to follow the 'rules' but I think you're blog is awesome and you always give me such kind and lovely words :-)