Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself

(Ghandi)

Monday, May 3, 2010

the only things that I know, I know too well

One of the things I liked most about my new dating partner Colin is when asked in his profile what were the 5 things he couldn't live without, one of the things he chose was "hope". I love that answer, it's something my regular readers know I pride myself on, even when life is at its darkest. But the problem with hope is that is leads to dangerous things like expectation, longing, anticipation, and then the plain vanilla terror of rejection.

I am struggling at the moment with trying to remain hopeful and positive, yet not place too much emphasis on how much Colin is tied up in that -- to hope for the best yet prepare for the worst, perhaps? Since I last wrote we have had another excellent date, one of those dappled afternoons where conversation and laughter flowed over us like the sweetest of waves, and are planning to meet again this coming Wednesday night. He has a lot going on in his life just now, and in many ways the timing is terrible as he leaves soon for a month in the USA. He will be away for my 40th birthday party, which makes me sad, as I know I would have enjoyed it more had he been there. But even knowing him, knowing he exists in the world and may like me, makes me happy. I can survive a month without him, though hopefully we will have progressed slightly further along the dating path by then as things remain ambiguous at the moment. I'm suffering from the "he's just not that into you" blues, whereby the time he spends studying, working, living his life transmogrifies in my mind into dates with other women, avoidance of me, yadayada. Sigh. I am so impatient, just wanting to know once and for all whether he likes me, how much he likes me, where he sees this heading...

It really does one's head in, this balancing act between liking someone and wanting them to like me, yet not actually putting too much emphasis on the importance of same. I don't know how to like Colin without putting my heart into it. I don't think I would like to be someone who could play this weird game of keeping my cards close to my chest. So I think I just need to live and love and all consequences be damned (within reason).

Title from Richard Easton's Pastel Gothic, great local artist

4 comments:

Lola Snow said...

Awww Lil. This is lovely. Your description of that afternoon together is just wonderful. I am so happy that you have found someone. Love the moment.

Lola x

Wandering Coyote said...

Ugh! I just wrote a comment & it got lost!

What I was saying was...

Sounds like you are experiencing some typical BPD paranoia - I go through that a lot, too, in relationships of all kinds. Logical mind, baby, logical mind! Then from there, Wise mind!

Is he going to the US for holidays?

Can you send me your mailing address via email, please? Thanks!

arifaery said...

I know too well this dilemma. How do you balance wanting to give it a chance, but being so afraid of rejection? I never did figure it out, but got lucky enough to find someone willing to put up with me. Even then it took quite some time for me to believe he wouldn't leave me.
I'd like to say just enjoy the present, but I know how hard that can be. I do hope the best for you.

tracy said...

i love this post! So throughly thought out and beautifully written. Whenever anyone mentions "Hope" to me, it always reminds me of that scene in "Shawshank Redemtion" when "Red" says "Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man mad." Well, i'm already "mad", er crazy...i need to be more "Hopeful", i guess!
PS Thank you soooo much for the lovely e-mail, i am very sorry for not writing back yet...

tracy...."Slack Bladder" Geek.