Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself

(Ghandi)

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

shiny, shiny, bad times behind me...?

In the middle of Week 3 of my new "relationship" and it seems like all is well. As well as can be expected when you factor in my general insecurities and mentalness and the fact that he is by-and-large used to his own company. I still enjoy every minute we're together, and try not to ruin every minute we're apart with my incessant ponderings/stress attacks. Being vulnerable again after a time spent solo is such a big deal, as described here in this terrific post by Ruby Tuesday. I don't think I am particularly adept at it, the raunching and relaxing with someone...it's been quite some time since I was last intimate with anyone, and 12 years since I was last with someone new. Having to negotiate the likes/dislikes and (ahem) nooks and crannies is definitely a learning curve, but I am giving it the old college try! The payoff is worth it, naturally, and I imagine that the closeness and comfort we find in each other means that the relationship is also worth it. I am trying hard to avoid Future Speculation. It's early days, and there are some fairly substantial issues we have to negotiate before any talk of Happy Ever After. But Happy Right Now - that I can do.

Doc A was surprised and happy to find that since we'd last met I had started seeing someone seriously. I saw him on Monday and he was full of constructive advice, naturally, especially about making sure that I maintain the other parts of my life that are non-Lloyd-related. He said something like "only one sixth of you is the part in the relationship, the other 5/6 are doing their own thing". Which is fine in practise but truly difficult to achieve in real terms. I have to fight the impulse that says we need to be with each other all the time, and share every damn thing. I have to curb the tendency I have to share every minute detail with him and with everyone else ABOUT him. I have to maintain perspective and rationality and composure and good sense and try to be in my Wise Mind. But part of me wants to lose myself completely and love unreservedly and dive head first. I think this is an ongoing struggle, and one I need to keep an eye on. It feels like I have to be suspicious of feeling too good, but also suspicious of the Negative Nancy voice that tries to sabotage and second guess. Yikes. It was certainly easier in many ways to live a solo, single, simple life.

I wouldn't trade him for anything, though. It's wonderful to talk and laugh with someone special, and to be cuddled by a 6ft 7 in giant of a man makes me feel like a delicate flower lol. Even if it lasts but a minute, I am happy.

5 comments:

Elizabeth A. said...

I despise being single, I'll freely admit it. Unfortunately to the point of staying with total douches, but live and learn which you have done so I'm thrilled for you and you're feeling content and comfortable.

Ruby Tuesday said...

ha, what a pair we are! I actually really needed to read this right now, as I'm having a massive wobble about whether I can do this whole relationship thing. I think you made a good point about it being "easier" in some ways to remain single. Getting together with someone after so long is a scary challenge! Here's to the avoidance of sabotage .... I'm really glad that you're happy xx

Just Be Real said...

Glad you are in a good space Lil. I would not know really how to deal with a serious relationship. Thanks for sharing. Blessings.

chicanear said...

"It feels like I have to be suspicious of feeling too good, but also suspicious of the Negative Nancy voice that tries to sabotage and second guess."
Wow, that is so familiar I could have written it myself.
Glad you're settling in and finding how things work.

Lady_Amanda said...

Hey Lil,

This was a interesting post. You talked about wise mind. I just wrote a post about emotional mind! I knew you had a link about DBT, but I didn't know if I should refer people to it. I think one day I will write a post about DBT because I just LOVE IT.

Anyway, this is suppose to be about you. I am so happy for you. It's really hard to seperate yourself from the relationship. I do agree with your doctor that you still have to have space in your life for just Lil. But girl, I am saying that I know how difficult that is!

Hugs,
Amanda