Yesterday was Valentine's Day, and although I spent it in an untraditional setting, I did get to spend it with my favourite man. It's almost impossible to believe it's been just over a week since we met. Things are moving fast, but with purpose, you know? Like there's something strong at the core, and the surface is just there for it's own sake. Whether we go here or there, say this or that, the connection transcends everything. Last night he said to me it's like we've skipped the casual dating and are already close/committed. I try to hold back and put on the brakes, because that's what I'm "supposed" to do (build trust, get to understand him, delay sex, yada yada) but what feels right is to just give myself over to the experience and enjoy every minute we have together.
Whether this backfires and ends up hurting like hell, well, that remains to be seen. The way my heart works, it wouldn't matter how many hours we'd spent together or what intimacy we had or hadn't shared. If I like him, and it goes sour, it hurts. SO I may as well go with it, and risk my heart. It won't kill me! I feel surprisingly strong, too, as though a bad result won't derail me and undo all the good I've done in therapy over the last year. I haven't breached the mentalness subject except for mentioning I've suffered depression (so has he), but other than that I've been extremely honest about what I want and how I feel. It's well-received by him, and reciprocated... and I think the honest rapport we have is one of the reasons I'm confident.
It's so hard to know whether to be a romantic and just believe, or to be a cynic and just mistrust. I think a mixture of the two is probably the best outcome. I'm a bit of a true believer when it comes to love, though, and it feels SO AMAZING to be at the start of something that may be worth believing in. Valentine's Day rocked this year, and it's hard to picture being happier than I was eating chocolate and watching the sunset with my baby...
(*Taylor Swift - "Love Story")
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2 comments:
Hey Lil,
Happy Valetine's Day. I am glad that you have such strong feelings for this new guy. You deserve to be in love. Everybody does, but you deserve it more. You've been through so much and it's nice to see that your "stable" now.
Sharing in your happiness,
Amanda
Nice, Lil. And no, if this doesn't work out it will NOT kill you. You have been through the worst kind of heartache and survived (i.e. a divorce) and, since I have done the same, I know that I will survive if future relationships don't work out for me.
You should take the risk for sure! But, also remember your wise mind, right? I think that's what you were alluding to in the final paragraph - a good balance of being a full-on romantic and having that touch of hesitancy.
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