Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself

(Ghandi)

Saturday, October 3, 2009

the story is old, I know, but it goes on*

A friend of mine, John at www.myranting.co.uk, wrote a short story once that said, in part : There's just something missing right now. I'm not sure what it is. But whatever it is, it's not fuckin' there. A big void in my soul that I've tried to fill with every single kind of nonsense that I can possibly think of. This statement has always struck a chord with me, as it describes the way I've felt all my life. It explains SO MANY poor choices...the wrong men I pursued, in the wrong ways...the terrible/wonderful substances with which I've abused my body...the obsessions, hobbies, compulsions, images, personas, vendettas, friendships, all of which inevitably failed to fill that void that I call the Big BPD Empty.

It's only now, nine months after my official diagnosis with Borderline Personality Disorder, that I am starting to feel the void getting smaller. And it's amazing to me that I never realised the way to heal my heart was from the inside out. Always wanting to push/shove/stuff things IN to myself, there wasn't room for the growth of what wanted to come OUT. That sounds slightly gross, lol, I swear this isn't one of my posts about bodily functions! I guess what I am trying, poorly, to say is that all along the substance that was needed to fill my Big Empty was stuff that already existed in ME. It's not one thing, it seems to be a grunge-coloured mixture of fury, joy, terror and rapture at the moment... but it's definitely true and real and all that hippy stuff haha. It seems like the more work I do at finding out how I really feel and think about things (my self, my life), the less that void threatens to engulf me.

I had my last session with Dr A this week before his month-long vacation - now I'm flying solo for four weeks, when I usually see him once a week. I think it's a good opportunity for me to see how I travel without him to keep me on track, and maybe it will all go down the tubes by the end of October but there's a good chance it won't. Although I've never been a member of AA I know enough to be able to quote one of the sayings of the 12 Steppers - "it works if you work it". That definitely applies to my battle against the Big Empty. Even though sometimes I would rather stay in bed and/or drink gin and/or eat a truckload of junkfood and/or pull my hair out by the handful I know that the hard work is where the reward lies. Damn it.

(*The Smiths - Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me)

5 comments:

tricia said...

You are such a trooper! It always warms my heart to know you are moving forward-- even if you don't particularly want to. ;) Keep it up.

Wandering Coyote said...

I am familiar with that emptiness, too.

You will be just fine while Dr. A is gone!

Anonymous Drifter said...

"There's just something missing right now. I'm not sure what it is. But whatever it is, it's not fuckin' there. A big void in my soul that I've tried to fill with every single kind of nonsense that I can possibly think of."

Oh man, this describes me in ways I couldn't begin to express.

Alison said...

Lil – I’m doing a Psychology presentation on Mental Health on Monday in college for my Access to Nursing course and I want to including as part of a hand out to other students a list of Mental Health Bloggers for them to look at if they wish to learn more from service users direct about what it’s like for us to live with Mental Health conditions. I’m actually focussing on Borderline Personality Disorder but I’m including lots of focus on different therapies and medications and since like me you have BPD would you let me include your blog in the list. I need to gain permission from people before I add there blog.

Alison

Borderline Lil said...

Alison, that's fine with me - always happy to share info and support xx