Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself

(Ghandi)

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

why is the last mile the hardest mile?

Three weeks ago Dr A gave me a prescription for an atypical antipsychotic, and tonight I started taking amisulpride (aka Solian). I wasn't keen to start a new medication while Doc was lazing on a beach in Portugal, but really, the last week has been hellish and I'm hoping for some kind of miracle. It's a low dose, but it's possible that it will help to stablise my moods and help with the trichotillomania, binge eating, angry freakouts, etc. When he wrote the script Dr A said it could keep me up all night, or help me sleep, and I'm desperately hoping it'll be the latter. So damn tired, so sick of the nightmares I'm having.

I took a personal day off from work today, after waking up with that utterly helpless feeling, knowing I would not be able to summon the strength to face the world. I spent the morning writing a list of all the crap I have to worry about, which (weirdly enough) helped. I'm now attempting to prioritise these things, and will work through them one at a time. Sigh. My dog had to have $500 worth of x-rays a couple of weeks ago, after rupturing her cruciate ligament jumping down from her groomer's table for goodness sake! Whose dog DOES that? So unfortunately, my divorce is temporarily on hold. But I still plan on doing it as soon as I save up the money again. I have also contacted Mr Ex regarding a few loose ends, possessions, etc, and it felt quite decent to be assertive. I am still overwhelmed with resentment and anger about a lot of things regarding our marriage/his lies. And I suppose one day that will all have to be dealt with.

I logged on here today and found I had one less follower. Nick Drake just the last straw, huh? LOL. My friend Kate once mentioned how easy it is as a blogger to place stock on who has you on their blog lists, and who follows you, and she is (as usual) right. It sucks that someone abandoned me while I was down!! I'm kidding, but you know what I mean, right? I have another friend who warned me, and rightly so, about the indulging in melancholy music when I'm already feeling low. I'm terribly prone to that, so have avoided all tear-jerking emo type music today! Apart from the blog post title, which is courtesy of Morrissey.

One of the bright moments in the last week has been my kick arse friends, in the real world and the virtual. It helps so much to know other people know what the black dog looks like, and how persistently he hangs around hoping for some scraps of sadness. Another bright spot was seeing Whip It - a movie that may be responsible for my unattractive and clumsy entry to the sport of roller derby!! If only I could a) skate, b) think of a good derby name and c) wear fishnets without resembling an overstuffed bag of oranges. LOVED the movie and am determined to live the tagline - BE YOUR OWN HERO!

6 comments:

Dreamwriter said...

I am sorry that you were down. I think that the last mile is the hardest because we know that we are almost at the finish line and we now WANT to get done.

For me, it is like reading a long book..I get almost to the end and then I stop for a month! LOL!!

I have so many unfinished books..it is like having ADD! That instant gratification, that focus is so out of sort sometimes :)

Elizabeth A. said...

I hate to hear when you're down, we all know it totally blows, but at least we know it's not just me.

The best of luck with trying any new medication. I was on Abilify once, it definitely evened me out, like super evened out. I pulled the bipolar card and said I'd rather be unmedicated than totally numb, but Abilify definitely helped me get through my last semester of college. I was calm, rested, and focused but felt nothing.

And I second on the sad music. When I feel the black dog, I listen to Rob Zombie so I want to work out and can distract myself.

tricia said...

I'm sorry. I hope the med helps. Organizing always helps me as well. I like to see exactly where I am and where I need to be. Take care Lil.

Just Be Real said...

Awww, dear one I do understand. My heart and hugs goes out to you Lil! ((((Lil))))

Wandering Coyote said...

Ugh - another medication to introduce to your body & get used to! I've never heard of that one and I see it's not available here on in the States. I hope it helps you get some sleep, and I hope it helps you out of this slump.

Just Be Real said...

Checking in.... blessings dear one...