Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself

(Ghandi)

Sunday, September 27, 2009

i turned my face away and i dreamed about you

I have this weird theory that when I dream about certain people, it means they are dreaming about me (or thinking about me, if that person resides in a different time zone lol). Clearly this doesn't relate to the strange dream I had once about being in Starbucks with George Clooney... sadly. But I had a dream recently about a bloke I call The One That Got Away. We've all got one, well most of us, someone who was always at the back of our minds, and in our lives, as a potential mate but the timing was wrong, the the situation was impossible, and thus the person remains just a friend. In my case, even the friendship was lost due to Steve (TOTGA) moving across the country and us losing touch. But I think about him often, and he is one of the few people that I can imagine being in a relationship with without wanting to run away screaming, or start gagging. I think it's partly because the trust is there, you know, it's not like starting fresh with some guy who may or may not turn out to be an axe murderer or a mouth breather.

I met Steve through a cult I used to hang with. It was one of those quasi-interpersonal cults, focused on self-reflection rather than a residential David Koresh/Jim Jones deal with a fatal end result. Both of us moved away from the cult, actually I think the Puerto Rican leader went to jail for embezzlement or something, but our friendship was solid. One of the things the cult believed in was the soul astral travelling to another plane while we slept, so maybe that's one of the reasons I imagine Steve is dreaming about me when I dream of him. It was one of those realistic dreams when I asked a number of times in the dream "I'm not dreaming, am I?" but of course, the fantasy ends and I wake up still having not seen or spoken to TOTGA since 1994. Steve is the main reason I am on the Evil Empire of Facebook, just in case he ever wants to find me...

Things in therapy have been getting to a flashpoint, if that's the right word. It's hard work sometimes, a lot of the time really, but recently I feel like it's starting to pay off. I'm achieving clarity in the way I view my relationships, esp with my family and their patterns of behaviour. I need to get a one-way ticket out of Martyrville. Dr A talked to me about how the "nice girl" persona I have, where I seem accommodating and easy-going, mimics my mother's passive-aggressive relationship with my nanna. She resents the hell out of nanna, bitches and moans about her and her lack of parenting and yet runs around after her and constantly puts her own needs second to my nanna's. I think I grew up thinking that was the way to win friends and influence people, but now I see that it's a massive cop out and it's SO dishonest. She (I) just doesn't want to address her (my) own desires and requirements, and then make the changes to get them. I REFUSE to be like this anymore! I'm becoming "selfish" in that I put myself and my journey first - as long as it doesn't hurt or harm others I think that's how it should be. I can love and support other people without being their "bitch" haha!!

Regardless of how difficult it is, I am aiming to live an authentic, real life someday. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it. I decided today that regardless of the financial cost, I'm filing for divorce this week. Screw the money, I need the closure. If Mr Ex will pay for half, that's fine, but if need be I will cancel my summer vacation and spend the money getting my name back. I keep saying to myself "You go girl", and I know I can hear all your wonderful supportive voices saying the same thing. I don't say it enough, readers/friends, but thank you.

(title from the pogues/kirsty macoll (RIP) fairytale of new york)

6 comments:

Anonymous Drifter said...

What a wonderful post ... I can feel so much positive energy coming from it. Like you say, "You go girl!' :-)

Just Be Real said...

Lil, sounds like positive results are happening with you in t. I am right there with you to live an authentic life one day! Amen dear one. Thank you for sharinig!

tricia said...

This post put a smile on my face for sure. I never doubted you for a minute.

(Evil Empire huh?) ;)

Wandering Coyote said...

Martyr syndrome is very close to victim syndrome - it's a fine line and those afflicted with it can't see it, even though it's obvious to everyone else. You certainly don't want to go there!

As for the "selfishness" - jeez, are you reading my mind these days?! Of course, along with that comes guilt and keeping that at bay is tough. But worth it. I have so often been accused of being selfish & self-centred (by guess who) because I have decided to make my journey about me - but the reality is, as you stated, you can still love and support other people along the way. This is really hard for some people (guess who, again) to understand and it's really frustrating!!

I'm glad you're going to file, Lil. I think, as I've said before, that it's a really important step in the whole moving on process.

Dreamwriter said...

It is funny how we all dream and think of things. I have no faces in my dreams sometimes or they are people I know with different faces!

Borderline Lil said...

You five, brilliant, brave women have helped me keep sane(ish) this year - thank you for yet more supportive comments and input!