Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself

(Ghandi)

Monday, July 13, 2009

til you lost me there in the open road*

Mr Ex came over yesterday, to have his weekly custody visit with The Dog. I'd planned to bring up the D.I.V.O.R.C.E. last week, but he played the Deadbeat Dad and didn't show for the visit. I knew Dr A would chew me out if I saw him this week having still not broached the D-subject with Mr Ex so I bit the bullet and said, ever-so-casually "So, I've been finding out about how to start divorce proceedings".

I swear, he was surprised.

We've lived apart for well over a year, and except for a handful of social gatherings the only time we've spent together is when he picks up or drops off The Dog. He's never mentioned reconciling, apart from immediately after I told him to move out, and has made no effort to win me back in any traditional (or, indeed, visible) ways. But he seemed shocked that I would actually download and print out paperwork to officially end this thing. Weird. Although, having said that, I became hollow and teary after he left. Even though I don't want to be in any kind of relationship with anyone, and certainly think it's best for me & Mr Ex to not be married, I was struck by the inevitable wave of sorrow that true endings bring. For a long, long time our marriage was good, and for almost all the eleven years we've been together our relationship/friendship has been rock solid. We just aren't meant to be married.

This has been a truly tough week. My friend Michelle, my only regular-contact friend, has decided she doesn't want to continue bowling in our team, and as bowling is my only social outlet/hobby, it's kind of devastating. I'm trying to decide whether to find another team, but given that I have only ever bowled with Michelle, I think most of my enjoyment in bowling has been in spending time with her. I understand her reasons, and most of the time I manage to not take it personally, but it's just one more hit in a week when the hits just keep coming. Dr A rang me just now to reschedule today's appointment to Wednesday, and had I told him even one of the things I've dealt with over the last 2 weeks he would not have rescheduled. I told him everything was fine, showed some High-Functionin' Flair, and now have to struggle along. I knew he would only ask me to reschedule if someone was in a major crisis, so how could I be petty? There are a great many folk worse off than me, even if I am having a tough week lol. I think I am going to have a bath, make a cup of tea and read my new book. It's not a permanent replacement for therapy, but it's okay by me.

(*today's post title is from Tori Amos' A Sorta Fairytale)

4 comments:

tricia said...

And so the rollercoaster (is that supposed to be one word?) ride continues. I hope the bath and tea and book helped. :)

Wandering Coyote said...

I'm so glad you mentioned the D-word to the Ex. I think I told you in a previous comment somewhere that this is a really good way of just moving on with things. Why draw it out? It's a huge psychological victory to take this step, and I really applaud you for taking it.

I know for me, when I was going through my divorce, that the Wasband was dragging his heels (because he had a new girlfriend...long story) and it really got in the way of my ability to move on. I wanted to get the ball rolling so I could get the larger ball of my life rolling.

Borderline Lil said...

@ Tricia - Rollercoaster sure is a good way to describe it. Luckily I am finding new ways to strap myself in safely haha! Yes, the self-soothing helped a lot - thanks my friend!

@ WC - You did comment earlier about it being a good way to move on, and you are SO right. Making the decision, and taking the steps, are part of the new life I want for myself. Sometimes I wish Mr Ex would find someone new, it might stop me worrying about him... but I guess that brings its own new set of issues. Thank you for your perspective (:

Anonymous Drifter said...

It's a good thing that you put the divorce in motion. It's normal to feel sad about endings but this can also be looked at as a new beginning. I'm sorry your friend quit the bowling ... you're having a stressful week. Take extra special care of yourself.