I've decided the trouble with love is that its a finite resource. Much like gold or copper, once its gone, all that's left behind is a dry and barren landscape which is good for nothing. Today I was thinking about all the great passion in my life, for boys mostly but also for "obsessions" (some ppl call them hobbies lol), and how that passion is so closely linked to my illness that I doubt I will ever "go there" again. I just couldn't trust myself to feel that extreme and still remain emotionally in control...yet I don't know how else to be when I am involved with someone or something new.
So I'm left with the feeling that while I may have a productive and sane life for the next 40 years, I doubt whether I will ever feel that grand love. I've spent the first half of my life being crazy for things...crazy for boy X,Y or Z, for girl A, or for Dawson's Creek/Barbies/Scrapbooking. Then I was just plan ole crazy. And now, I'm not crazy, I'm mostly stable and sane, but that seems to come at the price of losing the passion. Or at the very least curbing it.
I do think it's a step forward, to grow up and away from all-consuming hyperattachments, crushes and obsessions. But I think I will always miss that mania. This time last year, every breath was pure adrenalin and excitement. I longed to go to work to interact with Lewis, and to feel hilarious and gorgeous and fabulous. There was always that emptiness underneath, though, which is the nasty worm in the Borderline apple. While I may not scale the dizzying heights of lust and passion, these days I can sit safely in my own skin for long moments at a time without wanting to rip myself apart. It has to be a good thing.
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"Then I was just plan ole crazy. And now, I'm not crazy, I'm mostly stable and sane, but that seems to come at the price of losing the passion. Or at the very least curbing it."
This is how I feel. Although I'm glad to be back from my breakdown there's a part of me that really misses my ability to feel passionately about something. I blamed most of my blunted emotions on the medications which made me want to wean off a couple of them. Life without obsessions feels weird.
Although I see you ended the last sentence with a period I seem to hear a question there. Take it from one who is still just "plain ole crazy"-- one who can still go from laughing to crying to being angry in less than a minute, and have no clue why--- it is a good thing.
@ AD - as you know, I'm only on a tiny amount of medication now yet still feel kind of blunted. I think I am re-learning how to feel, in a constructive and productive way rather than a damaging and self-destructive way. If that makes sense haha! Thanks for visiting xx
@ Tricia - you're right, and I know it IS a good thing to have found balance. It's just sometimes a struggle to feel like an even keel is "normal" or "okay", but I know it's the best way for me to live my life. As always, thank you for the support xx
Love and passion and obsession are no the same thing, mind you. They overlap, but they are each individual emotions & experiences. Don't sell yourself short!
aww Lil, I hope you do find a rewarding and loving relationship - without the mania, I know exactly where you're coming from though, sometimes I think I'm best steering clear of relationships in case they bring out the borderline in me, but I know I still long to be close to someone, and like Coyote says above, the two can be separate. Surely it is worth the risk? The friendships I have are brilliant and very satisfying but they lack the intimacy you can only gain from a partner, I miss that and can't imagine the rest of my life without it.
Hann xx
Hann and Coyote, you're both right about the experiences/realities of obsession, passion and love being separate. I think I may have to learn that fine line between them. Yikes. It scares me even thinking about it (which proves I need to do some work in that area haha). Thanks lovelies!
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