Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Friday, April 10, 2009

This Is What Today Feels Like

The last few days have been heading downhill. For a start, I'm getting closer to the dreaded luteal phase of my cycle, which triggers the PMDD symptoms. I've been thinking I should probably increase my fluoxetine dose to 20mg, especially as I have the added stressor of starting my new job next week. The timing sucks.

I wish I didn't have to wait so long before starting work. At first, I thought it was a great opportunity to get organised -- now, I remember how much of an enemy anticipation can be. With anticipation comes anxiety, uncertainty, "what if" scenarios, and an added need to practise my still fledgling CBT skills. I was supposed to start with my new psychologist MH this week. Although I waited 6 weeks for the appointment I cancelled at the last minute...I wouldn't have been able to continue with the appointments as they were all scheduled for work hours (made the appts while I was out of work), so I have re-scheduled the entire series of appointments for after work. The first one isn't until June 2nd, at least by then I will have some idea of my work circumstances and any issues that may have arisen there -- which I can work out in CBT with the new therapist. Still seeing Dr A once a week or every two weeks, he has one day per week when he works late so it can be hard to get the appointments. All in all, this says to me "Am I doing the right thing going back to work?" It's so much easier to see doctors, do homework, get prescriptions, etc, etc without having to be somewhere every day from 7:30 - 3:45pm.

I know, I know...all that is just an excuse and OF COURSE I can organise myself and get everything done even while I'm working full-time. I'm allowing practical concerns to mask the fact that I am flatout gut-twistingly terrified of going back to work. The last few days I have gone back to the safety and santuary of my bed, and back-to-back episodes of Buffy and NCIS. I've been mindlessly eating chips and bread and cookies, desperately lamenting the fact that I've given up my Diet Coke habit, and I've spent $200 on crap on Ebay. It's hardly the end of the world, or even the beginning of a breakdown, but these are warning signs.

So, I am going to take more Prozac for the next 10 days, and try to get out and exercise. I need to start this new job in a better frame of mind than the one I'm in today, and the only way that will change is if I MAKE it change. The bottom line is, my illness is never going to go away -- the only thing that is negotiable is how well I can manage it.


Anonymous said...

I just had a feeling you were having trouble. I'm sorry. I just deleted a whole bunch of stupid drivel that I'm so good at writing. I hope you feel better soon.

Borderline Lil said...

Tricia, thank you for the comment & support - and please don't feel you need to censor! You can always email me if you don't want to comment publicly, then you can drivel away haha!

Anonymous said...

I start to get anxious about going to work every sunday evening so I totally understand how you must be feeling after a long break.
Hope you manage to find some nice things to do for yourself and getting out and moving about alwys helps shrug off the worries.
I'll be sending good luck vibes from the other end of the globe.
All the best Lil.(you know as soon as you're back you'll wonder what on earth you were feelng so angsty about)

Anonymous Drifter said...

I think most of us get the jitters at the thought of beginning a new job. It's even harder when you have to wait until it starts ... that's when we start all the "what if" scenarios. Now's the time to dig into the CBT toolbox and see if you can come up with a way to try to relax. (I'm a fine one to walk, everything makes me anxious lol )

Wandering Coyote said...

You hit the nail on the head: it's all about management.

I'm so sorry you're so anxious about starting a new job, but if it's any consolation, I'd be just as worked up as you are. It's the most nerve-wracking life situation I can have. It'll be fine, though! You just need a bit of transition time and all will be well!

Jena said...

It seems like you're in quite a good frame of mind despite your circumstances. There's a part of you that is like "geez I hate where I am because..." but then there's this other part that's enabling you to keep your head on your shoulders, have self awareness, and be able to make legitimate, healthy decisions based on insight. You're in a tight place, but you're doing great. Hang in there, sweetie. Love, Jena. xoxo

Dreamwriter said...

I think that you are feeling *normal.* Even though you feel funky, I think that your thoughts and your mind is in the right place..You still sound grounded to me! You are a strong woman!

preciousrock said...

You sound grounded to me too. I have really enjoyed your last several posts. You will do fine. Everyone is anxious before starting a new job. It's natural. I always go to bed early before starting a new job and then never sleep at all. Just when I need to be the most alert and ready to learn, I am a zombie.

Nothing like a carb fest along with Buffy and NCIS to comfort a weary, anxious soul! Watch that spending though. What the heck did you buy on e-bay for $200?

Borderline Lil said...


@Kate - thank you for the good vibes, which I am definitely feeling all the way over here!
@AD - I love the fact that you wrote "fine one to walk", which is prob a typo but still GREAT advice! I have been walking today, and it helped.
@WC - Yep, definitely nerve-wracking and it is all about management, which I'm good at, but trying not to "OVER" manage in my BPD obsessive way haha. Balance!
@Jena - I think you're right, while I can still be self-aware and understand my feelings I am doing okay!
@Dreamwriter - I do feel grounded, even if I'm a little flat, which is better than being out-of-control so it's all good!
@PR - it IS a situation that causes anxiety for even "normal" ppl haha, non mentally-ill folks all say a new job can be stressful. Ugh, the spending is a worry. Season 4 of Lost = $50; two new thriller novels = $45; new battery for my cellphone = $25; Copy of The Angry Heart (mine is a library copy) = $35; Two CDs = $45. Postage is somewhat to blame for the costs, esp as I buy things from the UK and US. I think I need to write a post about my shopping problems...