This Is What Today Feels Like

The last few days have been heading downhill. For a start, I'm getting closer to the dreaded luteal phase of my cycle, which triggers the PMDD symptoms. I've been thinking I should probably increase my fluoxetine dose to 20mg, especially as I have the added stressor of starting my new job next week. The timing sucks.

I wish I didn't have to wait so long before starting work. At first, I thought it was a great opportunity to get organised -- now, I remember how much of an enemy anticipation can be. With anticipation comes anxiety, uncertainty, "what if" scenarios, and an added need to practise my still fledgling CBT skills. I was supposed to start with my new psychologist MH this week. Although I waited 6 weeks for the appointment I cancelled at the last minute...I wouldn't have been able to continue with the appointments as they were all scheduled for work hours (made the appts while I was out of work), so I have re-scheduled the entire series of appointments for after work. The first one isn't until June 2nd, at least by then I will have some idea of my work circumstances and any issues that may have arisen there -- which I can work out in CBT with the new therapist. Still seeing Dr A once a week or every two weeks, he has one day per week when he works late so it can be hard to get the appointments. All in all, this says to me "Am I doing the right thing going back to work?" It's so much easier to see doctors, do homework, get prescriptions, etc, etc without having to be somewhere every day from 7:30 - 3:45pm.

I know, I know...all that is just an excuse and OF COURSE I can organise myself and get everything done even while I'm working full-time. I'm allowing practical concerns to mask the fact that I am flatout gut-twistingly terrified of going back to work. The last few days I have gone back to the safety and santuary of my bed, and back-to-back episodes of Buffy and NCIS. I've been mindlessly eating chips and bread and cookies, desperately lamenting the fact that I've given up my Diet Coke habit, and I've spent $200 on crap on Ebay. It's hardly the end of the world, or even the beginning of a breakdown, but these are warning signs.

So, I am going to take more Prozac for the next 10 days, and try to get out and exercise. I need to start this new job in a better frame of mind than the one I'm in today, and the only way that will change is if I MAKE it change. The bottom line is, my illness is never going to go away -- the only thing that is negotiable is how well I can manage it.