Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself

(Ghandi)

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Things I Know To Be True

  1. The two times I tried to kill myself (as in moved past the "screw this, I want to die" phase, into the counting and swallowing pills phase), the repercussions and physical after-effects were exhaustingly prohibitive.
  2. If there was a legal, non-painful method of suicide, like voluntary euthanasia for the mentally strapped, I would have chosen it.
  3. If it wasn't for logisitical concerns about my cats, and the aforementioned after-effects of overdose, I might still have chosen a non-legal, painful method.
  4. Given points one through three, and given that I'm still here and still showing some semblance of fight, maybe I need to accept that I'm still here

By that I mean, trying to make some plans and encourage the tiny unfurlingness of dreams. After all, I would hate to think I stuck around in this life just to exist in a mechanical stupor with no big picture. You know??

9 comments:

Just Be Real said...

Thanks dear one for sharing your pain. I, for one, am glad you are still here.
Sitting here listening......

Borderline Lil said...

Thank you JBR xxx

Anonymous Drifter said...

It's amazing that throughout our struggles and times of misery we still have enough fight left in us to remain still here.

Wandering Coyote said...

Oh, I have soooooooo been here, Lil. It gets better, but it's a slog. I have to believe it's worth it...

Elizabeth B. Alexander said...

Through my two suicide attempts, I've found it is hard to kill that last glimmer of light. It's actually pissed me off from time to time. "I really don't want to deal with this anymore, dammit!!"

I like tiny dreams because we all need something to look forward to. Here's the kicker about life, you have no idea when something will happen that'll change your life. That's why you wake up and try another day.

Besides, even this blog gives you a bigger picture. Many of us are right there with you.

Polar Bear said...

Yeah. I totally get it.

tricia said...

I was fourteen the first time I made a try at suicide. I don't think I so much wanted to die as I wanted to stop the pain. Wouldn't it be wonderful if when we are in that abyss we could step back and see who we could be?

You can learn so much through the way a person writes-- often more by what they don't say. I've been reading your stuff for a bit now and you seem like a keeper to me Lil. I wish you could latch on to something bright. I wish I knew how to tell you to get to that place, but I haven't quite figured that one out yet. I still believe it can be done. Who was it that said, "The best is yet to come?" Hang on to that.

Anonymous said...

Who says you have to live like every other stupid sheep in this mechanical world...
Make your life and your world what you want it to be.

Borderline Lil said...

Thanks again, friends - you get me, and that means the world.