Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself

(Ghandi)

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Guilt

Sometimes I wish I was a psychopath. Or is it a sociopath? The type of person who suffers no guilt or remorse and pretty much goes around doing whatever the hell they like. I am consumed with guilt this week...I should have returned to work on Monday or Tuesday, and here it is Wednesday and I am still in my pyjamas at noon, still obsessively researching, reading and blogging about my issues lol. If only self-obsession was a vaild career choice. I think that technically "sociopath" is the same as psychopath...let me check wiki...well, the wiki gods say that sociopathy describes psychopath AND personality disorder - but not MY personality disorder, naturally.

Damn it, why couldn't I have been an antisocial personality rather than a freakin borderline. All these definitions and descriptions help me not a jot. I have an appointment with Dr A this afternoon, and it's going to be a bit of a strain. He insisted I go back to work this week, as a form of "distress tolerance" (apparently a part of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy). I cannot believe that I need to be distressed in order to learn to tolerate it...can't I just remember all the past moments of distress and work on those?? Why do I need to create NEW distress??

I am sure I'm not alone in this, but I really have to fight wanting to show up to my appointment fully made up, articulate, fashionably dressed, and remarkably "high functioning" as always. WHY do I need to impress everyone all the time... it's clearly screwy... Dr A will hopefully see through my incessant need to be perfect and realise I am one episode away from permanent incarceration in the loony bin.

2 comments:

Wandering Coyote said...

Hey there,

Thanks for your comment on my blog. I've just subscribed to your feed so I can keep up with you!

Take care!

Jena said...

Sweetie, you're going through a rough time. Don't be so hard on yourself! I see where you're coming from though- trying to figure out where you stand among a world of psych illnesses and personality disorders, geez I mean, it's daunting, really. But to a degree, it's also kinda good for you to be informed on things. They say it's good to be your own expert on your condition. Once you get to know your doc/therapist better and establish a therapeutic relationship, I think you'll find that things go much smoother. You won't feel the need to "fuss" so much. Take care. Have a good night!
:) Jena