Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself

(Ghandi)

Monday, February 23, 2009

Audrey, Abby and Alice

Day Nine on zero medication -- it's like someone took industrial strength cleaning solution to the windows and everything is FINALLY clear and bright and just *slightly* overpowering if I look at it straight on! Am focusing on one day at a time, knowing that my moods can swing in moments - but today and yesterday have been really great days. The physical side effects of Effexor withdrawal are gone, and my psych said to me this morning that due to the smallish dose I was taking, and the limited time I was one it, that I am officially "all clear" of Effexor. Yippee!! Over the next couple of months, depending on how I respond to the CBT, he'll see whether I need an SSRI, I am hoping that I can cope without it (I know, I know, but I can hope lol!) or that if I need one I can take a low dose. I never want to go back to the days of Zoloft MegaDose (would you like a side dish of night terrors with that??).

I try not to focus on my mood ALL day, trying to sense a rapid cycle or a switch. I'm wondering if I will ever get to the point of not being hyperaware of my mood swings, outbursts and such. I can read it in my mom's face ("oh, here comes one of her manic phases") and it drives me beserk...truly...like, can I not just be lucid and coping well for ONCE???

The title of my post refers to an artwork I'm starting, in an effort to rebuild/restore my self and sense of identity. I did a timeline, showing all the influences I have had during my "As If" phases (where I latched onto a new friend, lover, workplace, interest, etc and made their characteristics my own) and am using it to try and separate the "true" interests and image of Lil from the "false" interests and physical/cultural ideals of my Obsessions. I know this will sound nuts, but I ended up with elements of three TV/cinema characters that I have always loved, and often tried to emulate -- namely Abby Scuito (NCIS), Alice Sullivan (from a dodgy 80's Australian TV show E-Street. As a sidenote, The Mentallist and The Guardian's Simon Baker starred in this show, it had kind of a cult following due to its serial killer and werewolf type storylines haha) and Audrey Hepburn (most loved by me in Breakfast At Tiffany's). They are all fantastic women, quirky and individualistic, and I'm looking forward to seeing how the piece turns out.

1 comment:

chicanear said...

How did it turn out? I'm genuinely interested to know :)