Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Thursday, July 7, 2011

every tear's a waterfall

I made a momentous decision last week. I decided that enough was enough with regard to my binge eating and weight gain and have re-started my healthy eating and weight removal journey. I feel self-conscious and triggery talking about it, knowing that a number of my friends in the madosphere are dealing with eating disorders and the like. But it had to be done, guys.

Three and a half years ago I paid a LOT of money to have weight loss surgery and while I lost weight (50kg/100 pounds), I've since regained a significant amount. My bingeing is out of control. I am obsessed with junk food. I eat for comfort, boredom, relaxation. These things are not healthy, and I've kind of let them go while I worked on some mental health issues.

Now I'm relatively stable, mentally, I am hoping to find the wherewithall to tackle my eating.

I've restarted my other blog, renaming it Borderline Lil's Losing Weight. Feel free to visit over there or not. I won't be offended!

I am on meal replacement shakes/bars at the moment, which is a medical intervention for obesity and only supposed to be used under supervision. It's a very low calorie (approx 800 cal per day) diet, with the only solid food I'm eating being two cups of low starch vegies per day. So far (this is day six) it's going okay. There's an element of relief...I HATE my addiction to food, my obsessive behaviour towards it, so I'm glad to have the decision making on my meals taken away for now. Reintroducing food, in 12 weeks, will be a challenge I'm sure.

I'm planning to go back for a visit to my weight loss surgeon Gorgeous Jon to see if I need revision of my surgery, or how he can help me otherwise.

I'm fairly certain I have stretched out my reduced stomach, and whether this can be fixed or not, I've no idea. The meal replacement diet will help that, I hope. And I have completely removed junk food and takeaway from my life for now, even though in the end I hope to occasionally be able to enjoy it without going to extremes.

I have also made an appointment with a binge eating specialist, who does hypnotherapy and NLP (neuro-linguistic programming). I've ordered a binge eating book from the internet which is recommended by a lot of doctors and pdocs - it's based in CBT and has a complete programme that goes with it.

What's funny is that I KNOW THIS IS BPD-esque ALL OR NOTHING THINKING!!! But I've decided to USE the all or nothing extreme behaviour in my favour for once, and do something proactive. I'm trying to positively channel my obsessiveness into weight loss and healthy eating.

This is just an update, and I don't imagine I will talk much on this blog about the health plan. I am conscious of my ED friends and their issues, and would never want to negatively affect them/you. But I wanted to share this big change with my friends! And I hope you will all wish me luck (-:


Linda said...

Good for you Lil! I need to do this kind of thing. At least you'll be able to see fast results to help you along.

Just Be Real said...

Lil supporting you all the way!!! Thanks for sharing your other blog. Safe hugs as you venture on.

rivercat said...

great for you lll, it sounds like a plan that will work. quick or slow doesnt matter but when the confidence is there a little it feeds on itself and grows instead ofthe desire to snack :)

Anonymous said...

Gaining control over bad eating habits is hard. I am trying to do the same and my heart goes out to you wishing you strenth and impulse control. I have started spending more on groceries because I am buying better veggies I can eat (like pre washed and bagged fresh green beans) with a rich blue cheese dressing that I add extra blue cheese into. Yummy.

Anyhow, I do wish you all the best luck and I hope you lose weight the healthy way. xoxo

MRS PRN said...

All the best Lil. I am interested in the binge eating specialist. Could you refer me their contact number at all please? I also start my liquid diet tomoro, Optifast... in prep for the lapband in 2 just over 2 weeks. Heres to positive steps to healthier lifestyles for us all!!!

ml said...

I'm pleased for you, Lil, that you've made a decision you're passionate about. Here's my show of support. Thinking of you. Stay determined :)

Rainbow B said...

Hun I am so proud of you! I don't know how you went with 'A Course in Weightloss', but I found it to be so great in regards to connecting with my spirit and really valuing my body. Some of it's a bit full on in regards to the whole 'god' stuff, but I just took the bits of it that were right for me.

Anonymous said...

good luck and more, friend. looking forward to hearing more. keep on.

Mike Golch said...

Good for you.I came for a vist from C.C.'s site.