Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Thursday, May 26, 2011

Mad Cow

I wrote a post yesterday which I then deleted. It's the first time I've done that, and some of you have asked about the missing entry. I guess it was clear from the couple of lines you could read that it was a low-mood mopey post, and those reading regularly will know anyway that I've been somewhat under the weather.

Once I'd written the post, I published it and then went to read it over for editing. Put simply, it sucked. It whined on about how attached I am to being ill, and how I feel envious of my blog friends who are currently "worse off" than me (with regards to ED, or being in hospital, etc). Utter crap, something I felt for a minute and then pretty much "got over". One thing I've learnt about myself is that I don't need to give voice to every thought and feeling I have. Some of them just aren't worth the air time. And that's what was going on yesterday. Even if I am feeling low, intellectually I know that I am okay and surviving, and I don't want to be in the grips of a fullblown BPD attack or major depression. I feel extremely sympathetic for my friends who have recently suffered relapses.

Today, I'm mostly just tired and lethargic. But, contrary to what was said in my previous/deleted post, I am not too tired to keep fighting. If fighting the good fight is all there is, then so be it. What are the alternatives? None.


Pixie said...

The times I have deleted and fiddled and deleted and thought f*** it. And I fully agree with you: I don't think we need to write everything we feel as we feel it. Sometimes simply entertaining it for a moment and giving it floor space exacerbates everything anyway. If writing something is not in anyway therapeutic then what is point, eh?

Lethargy and tiredness are underrated little buggers. I am completely convinced that is what is happening this end too.

Bumps in the road are just fine. Mad cow, you are not. Quite the opposite.

Love you Lil-Lil xxx

Anonymous said...

Good for you Lil. It is your right to delete what you write and sometimes we all write a post like that. I do hope you are feeling better.

I also wanted to say I agree with Pixie.

Anyhow, girl I just feel for you right now. Any feelings like that cannot feel good. Best wishes Lil.

⚏ Arlecchino Fluorescente ⚝ said...

I'm sorry you feel like this Lil. And I'm sorry I don't write/ comment to you as much as I used to. I'm feeling somewhat overwhelmed by life, although I'm afraid to show this on my own blog as I fear certain people would enjoy knowing that too much. I'm glad that you have the strength to be honest here.

Sairs said...

I've deleted posts myself before when I've read them over and gone oh my gosh, this is shite. Just remember that struggling for each different person is relative. If you feel bad, you feel bad and that's okay and it's okay to voice it. We aren't going to judge you for feeling bad and having a moan. How many moans have I had recently, heaps!!!!!! I hope you do get to feeling a little better soon though. Be gentle with yourself!

Just Be Real said...

Many times I have deleted my posts. If they do not feel right in the gut, then they are gone.

Safe hugs to you Lil.

Bec said...

I noticed that you had deleted it, it showed up in my blog list but wasn't there when I tried to read it. I think I know what you are saying about being envious towards people who are worse, I'm reading a bipolar memoir and had those exact same thoughts last night and have been umming and erring about whether to write about it. As others have said, you have every right to delete what you've written. Sometimes I think it's good to get it out and vent, and then to just get rid of it. Sending you hugs. x

Jane said...

Yay you! "Not to tired to keep fighting." ME NEITHER! That's the way to LIVE life, and get life the way you want it :) I'm proud of you, girl!

Anonymous said...

Keep fighting! You're a miraculously strong woman and I wish you all the best! I believe in you. *hugs* Take care! :-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for your sweet comment to my marriage post. Oh Lil I am so happy and excited! Turns out my parents are going to pay for a wedding so we will have a wedding at a country lodge with a pool that has a waterfall. Dear Lord I am just so happy!

Jen Daisybee said...

Hi Lil,
I haven't been keeping up with reading much lately, but I wanted to say, I understand deleting a post. I've done it before. It can be a useful thing to do sometimes. It is true that we don't feel the same way all the time that we do in one minute when we write something. Nevertheless, as always I love your blog and your honesty.

I'm sorry you are having a rough time righ now. This too shall pass. Just remember what you said, it is worth the good fight. The good fight will pay off eventually. It may look bleak right now, but things did not always look bleak to you,and you will get to the point where they don't look that way anymore. Remember, you are never alone.