Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

round and round and round in the circle game

I seem to be struggling to keep up with blogging these days. Not much going on in the day-to-day sense, some whole days pass by with nothing remarkable to report, but it's more a lack of interest than a lack of something to say. I think blogging, for me, is a seasonal thing, or it's at least mood-based. I definitely come and go from here, and from the blogs of my online friends, and even though I think of you all regularly, it's sometimes hard to find the time and the energy to log on.

Perhaps it's because I am spending more time dating these days - both in real-life and online. My beau Anthony is still in the picture, and I still really like him, however we've been discussing open relationships and in theory I support the idea. I was monogamous for ten years, and it was reeeeeaaaaaally difficult, and part of me now believes that having a primary relationship with supplementary partners is the way to go. It's controversial, I know, and requires a huge level of trust and communication in the primary relationship. And it can't be just because one person wants it open, it has to be agreed upon by both parties. But a large part of me believes that it's not necessary to embrace monogamy "just because". Just because it's the done thing, or the option society encourages, or the thing most people do, doesn't mean it's the best option for me. Anthony and I are not exclusive, yet, maybe never will be, and so I am dating a couple of other people as well. It feels good, and everyone is aware of everyone else, and no-one is being set up for hurt (I hope, especially hope not me LOL).

Whether or not Anthony and I end up as primary partners in an open relationship, or whether I end up committed and monogamous with someone else, remains to be seen. Anthony has admitted being open to the idea of monogamy, with the right person and in the right circumstance, so I suppose that's an option too. We've been seeing each other for a month, and it's fairly casual, more casual than I would like if I'm honest. I am intense kind of person, as y'all know, and to see each other once or twice a week is not my ideal. Which may be one of the reasons why I am keen to have other men in my life...

One of my other guys, Mitch, has two kids aged 4 and 5, which is quite scary for me. I'm not sure if I'm "stepmother" material... I like him a lot, though, and I'm sure his kids are adorable. We had our first date on Saturday night and talked for hours, went bowling and had dinner and coffee. We have a lot in common, more than I first thought when I was matched with him, and even though Anthony is still my Number One, Mitch could definitely work his way up Lil's Dating Chart.

Healthwise, I am relatively stable and happy. I think my current medication mix is a good one, and even though Doc A is away in Germany for a couple of weeks I am hanging in there. He definitely doesn't agree with the polyamory/open relationship idea, by the way! He thinks it triggers one of the primary BPD issues of rejection/abandonment and would make me even more "hypervigilant" about any partner I had. He has a point, darn it, but I am still open to the idea. If I become well, and BPD-recovered, then hopefully hypervigilance will be a thing of the past, along with the BS of abandonment/rejection. Man, do I ever live in hope...


Sairs said...

I know what you mean about blogging, I sometimes come online and I post but I just simply cannot read blogs. I go like that for a few days and then I am back, like I am now. It sort of comes and goes. I'm glad you are meeting people and I must admit, I could never do the open relationship thing because of my BPD abandonment issues. They are way strong and I even still sometimes have them with my husband if he gets mad at me. I find that one thing really hard. I wish you luck with your relationships though and hope you find and receive all that you hope for!

Wandering Coyote said...

I hear you about blogging. It's not a huge priority for me right now...I'm too busy and distracted, but it doesn't mean I don't love anyone!

Glad to hear you're happy & stable and that you are doing The Bachelorette thing right now, though I tend to agree with Dr. A about the BPD trigger/open relationship thing. I know I couldn't do it.

Chronic Impending Disaster said...

Glad to see you're still alive.

Good luck with the dating thing. I know I couldn't do the open relationship thing. It just sounds so confusing.

Lady_Amanda said...

Hey Lil,

Thanks for visiting my blog. I just put up a new poem. My artist friend calls me a poetast. I don't know if I would go that far, but one day I hope to publish my poetry. Check it out and tell me what you think.

I don't agree with open relationships if their is a comittment. I difanlty don't believe in people being married and still having lovers on the side. However, you and your primary partner are not serious so I think you can date as many people as you want. Dating is kind of like a game, you got to play with someone before you know if you want to continue with that for the rest of your life. I think dating seriously and having other lovers is alright too. It's just when you get to the point where you feel like you can spend the rest of your life with a person that I think then your lieing to yourself about why you want an open relationship.

I think you would make a good step mom. But again go play and have fun! I missed you while you weren't blogging, but I understand you have a life. Just check in from time to time because we love you!

Hugs and blessings,

Jen Daisybee said...

Hi Lil,
Just wanted to tell you since you have an excellent blog you are the recipient of an "I Choose to Live Award" and you can feel free to copy and use the graphic on this page if you like:

Take care!