Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Thursday, May 20, 2010

empty as a pocket with nothing to lose

This is not a good time in the Life of Lil. I had a bit of a heartbreak/letdown when Colin decided he preferred another to me, and that stupid event has escalated into a full-scale breakdown, leaving me unable to work and on disability for at least a month. I really need help to get a handle on my emotions, and my desperate need to be liked/loved/dated.

I am going through a massive medication change, along with intensive therapy with Doc A, trying to find a pathway through this darkness. The Prozac is clearly not working, as I am on a high dose and still feel depressed 90% of the time, which could definitely be avoidance but I am willing to try a medication change to see if it helps. I start on Cymbalta on Monday, and I have increased my anti-psychotic Solian six-fold which has helped me feel more integrated. I had a couple of hideous dissociative episodes ten days ago, which prompted the increase in the Solian, and it's helped. I am also scoffing Valium like it's going out of fashion, just to keep the edges softer and the panic at a bearable level.

I can't believe after a year of solid and productive work I am back at square one. I'm annoyed with myself for letting a man affect me so profoundly, especially a man I had only been out with twice. Ridiculous. I obviously need to take myself out of this internet dating scene, but it's developed into a full-scale addiction... I don't know what to replace it with, what I would look forward to if not the potential for love and companionship.

I am cripplingly lonely.

This is not something I would admit for the longest time, but having to cope with the "loss" of Colin, or the POTENTIAL of him anyway, has shown me how much I have started to rely on the possiblility of being with someone. That terrible temptation to fill the BPD Big Empty with someone else, to place my terrors on someone else's shoulders and hope they can bear them better than I. It's a disaster.

I don't have internet access at home just now, Michelle has left for two weeks and taken it with her, so dragged myself to the local shops to use the public access booth - just to post an update and apologise for not being around lately. I am hopeful of a change in weather and circumstance. Keep your good vibes coming my way, and I will do the same back yáll.


Sairs said...

I'm so sorry Lil that you are going through this. I remember how awful I felt when (although not for the same reasons) I had my episode that sounds very much the same no less than three weeks ago. I had the addition of zyprexa and the increase in lithium and I was also taking prn valium and seroquel like it was going out of fashion. I really hope you start to feel better soon. I am thinking of you!

Anonymous said...

Losing a love is so heartbreaking and it seems no medication can cure that. But alas, Cymbalta is a great antidepressant. I take it. Be careful with your medication. I really do love your writing, it is so honest. I send you hugs and sloppy kisses, In the Pink

Matthew Isaacson said...

One of the reasons I got off the Internet dating thing for now is that I need to take manage my issues before I go getting someone else involved in my life. I was in an enmeshed marriage for six years, and it was no fun. I definitely was filling the big empty you mentioned with the relationship, and it was not sustainable or healthy.

tracy said...

Oh, Lil, i'm so very sorry this happened...can relate well, but don't want you to think that by my saying that i am minimizing what you are going through in any way. Life just hurts so bad sometimes...Please try to look back and see how far you have come and all of your wonderful achomplishments, you are terrific! And an excellent friend!

"I have a cunning plan...." (i wish!).

Love and hugs,

Wandering Coyote said...

Hey Lil,

Sorry, just getting around to visiting now and I realize I'm a bit late.

Ack! What a mess! But you WILL get through it and it seems to me like you're doing all the right things, and that you saw the need to get help and did just that. Your insight is admirable!

I hope the Cymbalta goes well. That's what I take now and I've had really great results with it. It comes with a few side effects, but for me they have lessened over time, and I barely have them anymore. Getting onto it took some adjustment, as it usually does with any new drug. Good luck!

Keep on trucking, Lil! Let me know if you need any support. You have my Facebook and email, and although I know you don't have internet access at home right now, let me know, if, when you get it back, you need me, OK?

Anonymous said...

Sorry that you find yourself in a difficult spot at the moment. Medication adjustments suck, and can take time. I'm about to go through one myself. I hope you feel better soon! *hugs*

Just Be Real said...

Lil I am very sorry for your pain. ((((Lil))))

Jennifer, aka beautiful mind, complex life said...

Hi, Lil~
I am sorry for what you are going through. I had a similar infatuation with a guy I met through the internet. It lasted for a really, unfortunately long time. Years. And not just a couple years. If someone could have stopped me in the beginning and told me it would definitely NOT be a worthwhile way to spend a large portion of my life, thinking that I was going to end up with this guy who clearly did not feel the same way about me that I felt about him......I hope I would have listened. It's so hard being lonely, and I totally understand that all too well. I just wanted to mention, honestly, sometimes we have to be alone. Sometimes it's better than the mixed up chaos of a relationship that just isn't meant to be. Nobody is really worth the pain that people go through when they get totally caught up in an infatuation, and the feelings are not reciprocated. I think you will meet someone, but, hard as it may be, that might not happen right when you want it to. That old saying that we meet people at the time when we're not really looking to meet them seems to be true in many cases. Still, sometimes I still think about that guy, and I think it is actually an obsessive though related to some OCD issues I have more than actually being about that guy, since that guy really did nothing to make him so powerful in my mind. All he really did was break my heart, and I'm pretty sure it never bothered him in the least. My wasted hours pining over this person are embarrassing to the point that I almost never talk about it, except once in a while on my blog, because I always think nobody will understand. It went on for such a ridiculously long time. Because it was online, I was able to fantasize all sorts of ideas about how kind and wonderful and smart and funny and all-around-great this person would be if I met him in person. In reality, because I never met him in person, I never saw him as the regular, old flawed human he really was. This oversight was not fair to me or to the guy, who never understood what my infatuation was all about. Anyway, I didn't mean to ramble on here, but I wanted to let you know you might be much better off now than you would have been if you had gone on five or six dates with this person, and then found out that it wasn't going to work out. I know it's painful, but it sounds like you're facing the pain and dealing with your symptoms that have resulted from this episode wisely. I hope you feel much better soon! Take care!