Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself

(Ghandi)

Saturday, September 12, 2009

fate has been against me from the start

Not much to list these days, on the positive or the negative side of the tally. Work is completely off the chart lately. I was hired in May to co-ordinate the Foundation's biggest event of the year, which comes up next Monday and Tuesday. I've booked the venue (5 star hotel), accommodation for two speakers, managed to organise catering, invitations, name tags, checklists, and also a display of our literacy products for sale. I've even managed to sleep occasionally in between OCD flashes of inspiration/stress lol. Bottom line, I am looking forward to Wednesday when it will be all over and our visiting speaker (a Lord of the realm, gulp) will be winging his way back to the UK. Remember my last post when I lamented my lack of fashion-nouse, well let me tell you the concerns over what to wear to Dr A have paled in comparison to what to wear meeting Sir J. We also have Members of Parliament attending, high ranking public servants. Please, let Borderline Lil behave herself!

The good thing about being busy with something real, ie: work, is that it distracts me from the gigantic empty chasm that is my heart-felt life. Most of the time I cope well with being alone, spending time with friends is always a benefit and I am slowly exchanging my avoidant habits for social hobby-type things. I was talking to someone recently and realised that I have closed off my heart from even the idea of romantic/sexual relationships. Which is sad, cause once upon a time I was good at them and actually enjoyed them. Enjoyed the lead-up, the anticipation, the possibility and the consummation (ha ha). The person I was talking to is a true romantic, and it struck me that I used to be one too. These days I find it hard to remember how that felt, and why it changed. I just feel relieved that now I'm not dating I don't feel the need to study my body and catalogue its flaws, don't need to make sure my sheets are clean and my legs are stubble-free. No more second-guessing my conversation, studying the signs. For everything I miss or fondly remember about dating there are as many things that I'm relieved to leave behind.

Part of me hopes (damn hope that persistent little bitch) that I might find a place in my heart for love again. That my body and mind might be strong enough to enter the world of the relationship. I guess time will tell! In the meantime, I send out props to those of you who are still fighting the romantic fight, and putting your heart out there. In particular John, the Shane MacGowan-esque songwriter who supplied the title of today's post. You can listen to it here. If I was ten years younger and half a world from where I am, I might even develop a girly crush... Love your work, man x

8 comments:

Just Be Real said...

Yes, seems like you certain have been busy dear one. I bet you cannot wait until this event is over. Oh, I understand you with the desire to have a "relationship." Thank you for sharing dear one.

((((Lil))))

Kate said...

Oh Lil, I'm comletely with you on the romantic-block. After my last disasterous relationship three years ago, something inside just curled up and died. I would love for there to be someone special, to be there for me, to relieve some of life's stresses but then when I imagine going through all the difficult motions of dating and what inevitably follows, I just freak out and pull my chastity belt even tighter! I never used to be like this - in fact I was quite the little slut once upon a time. Whatever happened?
I hope you find yourself a fantastic fella one of these days because you are lovely and you deserve to be loved. But only when you're good and ready. Sometimes healing just takes a lot longer than we expect.
Oh and sod the grubby sheets and stubbly legs. Since when has a 'real' man ever let such trivialities get in the way of a good time?!
Love Kate. x

Anonymous Drifter said...

I hope you'll have as much of a stress-free work experience as possible. As for the relationship issue, I can understand. Although I'm married, my union is devoid of any romantic component. We live like room mates. Sometimes I can vaguely remember what it feels like to have excitement in a relationship, it makes me sad to realize that I may never experience love again.

tricia said...

"....and realised that I have closed off my heart from even the idea of romantic/sexual relationships. Which is sad, cause once upon a time I was good at them and actually enjoyed them."

Perhaps your heart isn't as closed off as you think. I hope for your sake you get beyond this holding pattern dear girl. One should never give up on love... especially at your age. There is so much life ahead of you and my money's on you to come out the winner.

Wandering Coyote said...

Ah, that Borderline emptiness...how well I know it! I struggle with this a lot, too. I'm at the point now where I am feeling really good, and I just HAVE to fill my life up with other stuff or else I'll go crazy. But it's really hard, especially in a small town. I want to put myself out there, but it's risky here...and the opportunities are few & far between.

I hope your heart isn't closed off from romantic/sexual relationships! I have a lot of hope - for both of us (though in my case, now would be a good time...).

Borderline Lil said...

#JBR - yes, I am SO looking forward to being free of this major event and having some "downtime". Thanks for your support, friend!
#Kate - thank you for your sweet words, angel, and I'm so relieved to know I'm not the only modern women feeling like she wears a chastity belt lol!
#Drifter - I really relate to a lot of what you say about your husband, at the end Mr Ex and I were more like roommates. Thank you for visiting!
#Tricia - I hope you're right, seems like there might be some life in my heart still and hopefully someone will "light my fire" haha! Thank you for the support as always!
#Coyote - You're so right, there are major logistical issues with dating in a small town. Remember it well. I'm thrilled that you've reached a point of wanting to get out there!! Gives me hope, and I'm rooting for you. In Australia, "rooting" doesn't mean supporting or cheering for, by the way. It means...em...let's just say it's a slang word for something that happens between consenting adults. Either way, I'm in your corner WC! Thank you!

Polar Bear said...

Lil, good luck with the romantic pursuit. I wish I had courage enough to go after something like that.

Lady_Amanda said...

Hey Lil, how did the thing go with Sir J.? I know something like that could be scary! You planned it for so long, you want everything to go alright! I liked your comments about a romantic relationship. I think that I am trying to hard to find one. Don't they always say that it's when you stop looking that you find one? There is someone out there for each of us. Yes, I do believe in soulmates, hopless romantic myself.
Hugs,
Amanda