Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself

(Ghandi)

Thursday, August 27, 2009

but I can see that star when she twinkles

Firstly - thanks to everyone who responded to my last post. Your supportive comments really help, and it means a lot to know that other people know where I am coming from. Hugs to all!

I know it's been another long break between blog posts. This time it's due more to the business of life than the avoidance of such. Work has been hectic, and since I've tried to take things less personally I'm finding it easier to deal with. Basically, I don't have much in common with the folks who share my office, which is a good thing in many ways. I'm happy for them that they don't "get" me, it means they are well adjusted and easy going types who tend to talk things out rather than freak out and/or vent. Now I've realised that fact I try to limit my venting to Fee, my close friend at work, and just fake it out with the rest of them. It's working fairly well. I need to keep my job, for a number of reasons, and most of the time I enjoy being there.

Apart from being busy at work, and sometimes bringing work home with me to do in the evenings, I've been getting out and about. Somewhat! I haven't turned the corner, exactly, but I'm approaching the corner with less trepidation. I've caught up with friends on three occasions, including seeing my new niece S for the first time! I call her my niece, and her brothers my nephews, although we're not blood related. Their mother Samantha is my oldest friend, we met in high school and even when our lives took very different paths (she became a mother at 17), we've remained close. Her eldest son is now 21, and an amazing, well-adjusted, smart and hard-working man. The middle child is 12, and vastly different to his brother but equally awesome. Now my friend has a daughter, and the baby is truly gorgeous! I know I'm biased, but really, she's an angel. Spending time with the family last weekend was really nice, and I'm thrilled that I managed to get out and do it. Samantha is completely different to me in personality, and very strong, but she understands my mental struggles and is very forgiving when I can't manage to see them. For instance, I missed my nephew's 21st birthday party a few months ago because I just couldn't face such a large gathering. Having that kind of friend, who makes allowances and is happy to see me whenever I can manage it, is truly something to be grateful for.

I also had a great day with my friend Michelle, who I hadn't seen for a few weeks now we're not bowling together. I miss bowling, but I miss Michelle more! Was nice to catch up with her and feel like I was rejoining the world. I think breaking the avoidance habit will take time, the first instinct for me is always to think "now, just get through the day and then you can retreat to your bed". But I am making plans for the future, and trying every week to get out there more. One of my homework tasks from Dr A is to set some goals, which I will share with y'all once I get around to it! Something I am looking forward to is moving out on my own next year. I really need my independence back, and after four years of helping to care for my grandmother (the ungrateful narcissist lol) I think I need it to be my turn. My parents are all for it, very understanding actually, which helps me to look upon it positively. I'm scared, in so many ways, of being on my own and surviving. But it needs to be done.

It's a small life, but it's mine. It has flaws and challenges, but I am facing up to them and changing things. There are a lot of things that I'm too overwhelmed to deal with right now (driving, relationships, anger, health & fitness...) but I'm taking small steps in the right direction. When I saw Dr A this week I told him I thought a lot about the question he asked "Do you WANT to change?" I've decided that wanting to want to change is the same as wanting to change, it's simply less emphatic! A position that's perhaps not as wholeheartedly enthusiastic about the process, but still open to the possibility.

(Title of post is from Tori Amos' Twinkle - gorgeous song)

8 comments:

tricia said...

Lil this is your best post yet! I'm so happy you're doing so much better. Keep it up kiddo.

Wandering Coyote said...

I'm so glad things are on the upswing still. Sounds to me like you're coping beautifully and are really in touch with what you need in order to cope. I'm so pleased that you're getting out & experiencing life! You go girl!!!

Just Be Real said...

Lil glad to see you posting again and having such a positive post. You are getting there girl. The corner is fast approaching. This is encouraging for me. Blessings dear one!!

Ari said...

1. Thanks for your encouraging comments on some of my posts

2. Congrats for challenging yourself to do things you need to do to get better. It's very inspiring.

Polar Bear said...

Sounds like you are in a good space. Yay!

Sid said...

I really liked this post, especially that last paragraph.

Lady_Amanda said...

Hey Lil,

Isn't it nice to have old friends? It's also nice to want to move out on your own! That's what I am currently trying to do. I am actually on list for a program that helps mentally ill people live on their own. I am really excited. Keep me posted as to your living arganments. I think the drama of parents and adult children are a little hard on us. I feel you with your Grandma too. Did your Grandma pass on? Mine did and now I just remember her when I was a little girl and happy. I don't like to think of her when she was old. However, I will always remember her when I went through my second schizophernic break. My Grandma took care of me when I was supposed to be taking care of her!

Well good luck with everything,
LA

Dee said...

sending you safe hugz!!