Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Saturday, August 15, 2009

born to be alive

The best thing that can be said about the last couple of weeks is that I am still fighting the good fight. Sometimes it's hard, but I know I don't need to tell y'all that!

Doc A gave me a major league hard time on Thursday about my avoidance of all things life-related. Apart from work, I don't leave the house. While at home, apart from eating dinner and showering, I spend my time in bed watching dvds and reading. He tells me I need to "re-engage with the world", and warned me I am displaying signs of Avoidant Personality Disorder. So that would make three "disorders" in my confused personality... Apparently there is a two-for-one combo deal known as "avoidant-borderline mixed personality" (AvPD/BPD). No wonder I have a permanent headache!

In the end, although I admit I am going through a resistant phase with my therapy, and throw up all manner of reasons and excuses to NOT follow Dr A's advice, I know he is right. I know that the less I participate in the world, the less likely I am to want to, or feel able to. I know that I am at a dangerous crossroads, where I'm fighting to hang onto enough sanity to maintain my job (which is a great, easily managed job). I tell Dr A that I am too tired, too lethargic, too depressed to go out and meet people, or do social things, or join a class. His argument is that I create or manifest or perhaps exacerbate these physical/mental conditions in order to avoid.

So I am trying to put myself out there more, and reach out to the "real world". Ten or twelve years ago I was active, motivated and sociable and I know I can get back there, or to somewhere close by. I have been thinking about studying a language or a craft, and perhaps doing a gym class once a week. I went to a public meditation last night, with my friend Fee from work. Dr a said to me a number of times during our session on Thursday - "Do you WANT to change?" I really had to think about it, and came up with the answer "No, but I want to WANT to change". And that has to be start, right?

I have been away from this blog-world for a couple of weeks, and have missed catching up with everyone's news. So I'll try and get around over the weekend and see what y'all have been up to while I've been bed-ridden and avoiding!


Just Be Real said...

Continue to fight that good fight dear one!!

I too do not like to make an effort or engage in "putting myself" out there. I know it can be rough for us to do this. You have a lot of great ideas Lil to start. Do one thing first and see how it goes. See if you are comfortable. Then maybe try another. Take it slow dear one!

I was just like you ten or so years ago. I was into everything. Then boom it stopped!!! From one extreme to another!!

Glad you posted this today, I need to hear it also.

Blessings and thinking about ya! ♥

Kate said...

Hi Lil,
I completely identify with all you say. I am so 'avoidant' that I have even constructed entire world views and moral-philosophies to rationalise my desire not to leave the house. Currently I'm convincing myself that a static, solitary existence is ecologically prudent. Were I to take that trip to the ice-rink/supermarket/party, I'd just be upgrading my carbon footprint when realy I could stay at home and recycle more paper and and find 1001 things to do with a wilted cabbage leaf!
I don't want to change either but, like you, I'd love to WANT to want to change.I do believe that that's a start in the right direction. It's an acknowledgment of possibilities at least.
By the way - remember the stitching on my picture blog you said you wanted? Well after I told my friend that a blog-pal from down-under was coverting it, she refused to take it on the grounds that it was far better for global peace and harmony that I flung it as far a field as I could. Therefore, it's yours. I just need a postal address. If you'd still like it, you can email that to me either via this blog or the other one (It's confusing me too having 2 places!). Glad you're still very much alive and kickin'.

Wandering Coyote said...

I've been wondering about your recent quietness on the net. Now I know. I'm very glad to see you posting again, which is a good sign, too. Do you think there is any depression going on? We tend to isolate when our mood goes in the crapper. Whatever the case, keep up fighting the good fight, OK?

tricia said...

I wish doctors could hand out instant fixes as readily as they do labels. At least you recognize your crossroads as a dangerous one. I wish you wanted to change, but like you I think wanting to want to is a start. I'm pulling for you Lil.

xo tricia

Anonymous Drifter said...

I can sooo relate to your post. I was fully engaged in life for a long long time and then I spent 15 years basically locking myself away. You're right, the longer you remain out of the game the harder it is to rejoin. I went through a period of time where I "wanted to WANT to re-engage" ... you'll get there, Lil.

Polar Bear said...

I struggle too sometimes with the self imposed isolation thing. Only recently have I tried to go out more and do social stuff. It's hard at first, but it does get easier the more you do it.

Lady_Amanda said...

I feel your pain, Lil. I go out in the world, but I still don't contect with friends like I should. I know more about my friends on - line than my friends here where I live. I need to go out and just be with people. For a long time I had this feeling like someone was going to take me away, but I realized that's not what the feeling was. The feeling was actually loneliness. It was feeding on itself! The more I isolated, the more I had this feeling, and didn't want to go out in the real world. Now I describe the feeling as the same one I got when I was a little girl and faked being sick so the I could stay home from school away from the bullies!

Catatonic Kid said...

Definitely it's a start. And you're fighting. Maybe it's not how the docs would see as ideal but it's your process, your brain, mood, life! Do it your way and you'll get there in time. It's your dime, as a wise friend of mine likes to say. This stuff is far from easy.

Borderline Lil said...

THANK YOU everyone for these comments, which have proven to me that I'm on the right track! Having you as friends means so much xx

Louise said...

'I know that the less I participate in the world, the less likely I am to want to, or feel able to. '

I can relate to this. There's something sublime about wrapping yourself in the comfort blanket of solitude. And the more you do it, the more you want to.

Abysmal Musings said...

Ditto Catatonic Kid - do it *your* way. It generally works out as the best way for you, funnily enough!

I can't work out if my docs leave me alone because there is a note on the file saying "Does best when left be" or they're just crap. :-) For me, it works. I hope it is intended, because I'd feel frightened for the people who do better with more support.

And the world is always out there, and it's the only one we've got. So keep crashing back into it. It keeps me sane in the attempt.

Hope it all goes well for you, Dx

Abysmal Musings said...

p.s. Commiserations on the Ashes*. Not the greatest series on either side. My highlight was the last afternoon/evening of the first test at Cardiff - now that was tense!

Dee said...

i just wanted you to know that there are many more of us like you who too have experience this and that we will walk beside you along your journey.