Chicken Little

I think my hearing is better than I anticipated. Today, day three at Company X, went something like this: Work, work, work, work, lunch, work, work, "can I see you in my office please? We don't think it's working out, your skills are not what we expect for this position, sorry".

Fired.
Sacked.
Terminated.
Laid off.
Let go.
Given the push.
Pink slipped.
Golden handshaked (without the gold part).
If I was a clergywoman I would have been defrocked. Ooo er.

I've done plenty of sackable things in my 25 years of working. Drunk or hung over on the job - check. Thieving/embezzling - check. Undermining boss - check. Sleeping with boss - check. Misuse of company email and or internet - check. But I was on my best, most honest, straightest behaviour this week and NOW I get my marching orders. I cannot believe it. If my head didn't ache from two hours of hysterical crying and moaning "why me" I might be able to start getting angry and demanding revenge. I just don't have it in me. Starting this job, and trying to build up my confidence and learn how to do the fricken job, has taken all my focus and energy. Shit, imagine if I had KNOWN I only had three damn days in which to impress my new bosses. Even the hypermanic BPD showoff now known as Just Lil would have struggled with that challenge.

I didn't mention before now that one of the guys in my new (now ex) office once worked for my previous employer, and seemed to know people I know, in the way of these things. The paranoid, scared, weak part of me thinks "Did he ask people there why I left?" Did he find things out from Company A that he passed on to the boss of Company X? Or can I really have been sacked because my Excel skills are intermediate rather than advanced? Because I had to ask ONCE how to apply a filter to data?? It's so much easier to dismiss what is probably just a hideous coincidence and believe that this is all due to my breakdown and the relentless cloying stigma of mental illness.

I have not a single clue what I'm going to do now. I put in my first after-hours panicked call to Dr A (and here he was thinking I was high-functioning and not one of "those" BPD patients - sucker), and am trying to get an appointment earlier than next Wednesday night. I will probably try for an extension of my disability, which only finished on Monday. Truly, I doubt whether I have enough left in me to apply for work, let alone walk into another new workplace. Turns out there IS something worse than being ill and leaving a job through your own choice...

So that noise you hear, might be the sky falling after all, folks. Paranoid or not, doesn't mean people aren't out to get us lol.