Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself

(Ghandi)

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

just a jump to the left

And then a step to the right. To and fro, up and down, here and there. Life is a comedy of swings and roundabouts lately, and if I didn't know better I would wonder if I were experiencing a mixed episode... Recently I spent the majority of ten days in bed, paralysed with the crippling grief of depression and swallowed whole by a black cloud. An appointment with Doc A (the first one in 3 months due to his vacation) had me upping my Cymbalta meds and since then things have improved. But one of the things I instigated while I was languishing in my depressive episode was to quit my job.

Rather than it being an impulsive act, or the result of a breakdown, I decided to quit because my job has steadily become too easy, too boring, too pointless, too... well, too simple to just not go. There are a lot of positives, and they were very kind to me last year when I had my month of mental health leave, but in the end it was time for me to move on. I've decided to look for full-time work, which is terrifying but necessary. I need money. I need private health insurance, and to pay $500 to finalise my divorce. I need a decent haircut and colour. I need new shoes. I've been finding it increasingly impossible to live on the part-time wage I was receiving, so I have to at least TRY to work more hours. I've done it before, and I believe that if I find a job that's halfway interesting and productive I will be happy to go full-time. Even if it's just for six months or a year until I get ahead again.

I can't lie, though, it's a scary proposition. I am used to having four days a week to spend in bed recovering from working three days. I am used to a slack workplace that expects very little where I can (as I am now!!) check blogs, write emails and apply for other jobs without anyone commenting. Bring it on, though. I kind of look forward to having expectations placed upon me, I almost believe that I will rise to the occasion and perform as required. At the moment, even though so little is required of me, I still languish in depression and lazy bed-ridden-ness. My mum made the point that I may as well "die trying"!! If I am going to have a massive meltdown why not do it while earning stacks of money and doing a high-faluting job??

Thus far, I've had a few interviews and been offered one job which seemed to be nearly as boring as the one I have now. I have until March 3 at my current position, so there's time to find something. Neil and I are going to Melbourne tomorrow for a few days holiday, which I am SO looking forward to. I get to introduce him to my friend H, and we are going to a great zoo over there which has open range safari type landscape with African animals. My parents paid for the plane tickets as a Christmas present, and Neil has saved up the spending money as I am ridiculously poor )-: I am looking forward to the break, and some time spent with my lovely boy. We had a great Valentine's yesterday, went out for dinner and talked about possibly moving in together at some stage over the next few months. YIKES!! Big changes!

8 comments:

Sairs said...

I just quit my job too because it was too much for me. I am now going on disability as all the jobs I have done for the last year and a half have sent me into relapse and ended me up in hospital six times and that doesn't count the extra four assessments. It's not worth it for me but I am glad you are going to have a crack at it. Good for you and good luck :)
*hugs*
Sarah

Borderline Lil said...

Good on you for taking a break Sarah, you need it and deserve it after trying so hard for so long.

Jane said...

I'm so sorry to hear about all you've been through lately, Lil. *hugs!* You are doing what you can to get by, and whatever you can do is good enough. One moment at a time, one day at a time. Little by little, things will start to pick up. You are such a visionary, though. Like, your goal of moving up to a higher position of work and knowing that you deserve more for yourself. You do! :) I just have a feeling that things are going to pick up for you again quickly. I am always so encouraged by your attitude to beat the storms. You stomp on them! You demand that life be better, and it is and will continue to be. You won't settle for less than success. Though you do have your ups and downs and you are entitled to those times though I know how terrible they can be (and I am so sorry to hear your trials, hun) I feel excited when I hear you strive for more. I feel like I tell you this all the time, but you are such an inspiration to me!

In the Pink said...

Holy cow Lil. I love what your mom said. It is so true. If you are going to go down in flames then do it big and with no regrets that you could have done more!

And I am so proud of you for stepping up to plate and looking for a full time job. That is scary but be brave and fearless.

Moving in together sounds like a good idea. Less spent on bills and groceries. It is financially responsible. Are you going to have separate bedrooms or share one. Hmmm lots to think about. I am so happy to hear from you and so many exciting changes going on. You will prevail!

Lucida said...

Sympathies over the protracted gloomy episode. i was about to blame it on the time of year but then remembered you were down-under!
Really great to hear you sounding so positive now though, and yes it does all sound very daunting but I guess it's worth asking yourself what have you got to loose by trying?
There's nothing like a big change (for the better of course) to boost one's self-esteem and general well-being.
Good on ya, xxx

Jen Daisybee said...

Great to hear from you again, Lil! I was wondering why you had not posted in so long. I'm sorry about the black dog getting at you, as I know how that goes, but like others stated here, you have the BEST attitude about dealing with depression. You can overcome this downward slip, and you will. You will, Lil! (I'm a poet and didn't know it). I think it's great that you are going to look for a more challenging job that will keep you interested and more happy. You know better than anyone what you need to be productive in your life, and you are smart to trust your instincts. It sounds exciting to be talking about moving in together with your boyfriend too - BIG step!! But I hope you are happy with the outcomes of every decision you are making, and I think you are a wise woman who knows how to go after what she really wants in life.

David said...

I'm heading back into the world of work and inevitable blah too this year... I know where you're coming from very well... Needs sometimes must.

Take care, Dx

Just Be Real said...

((((Lil))))