Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself


Monday, October 3, 2011

sirens they come, sirens they go

Post title is from another Horrible Crowes song "Blood Loss".

I had a fantastic time in Melbourne. Since I've been back, however, the darkness has been trying hard to claim me again. I ended up having another week off work after I got back, simply because getting out of bed was too difficult, too painful. I can't decide if what I'm feeling is simple exhaustion, due to the anemia, or the return of depression my old friend/foe. All I know is it's fracking hard to accomplish anything, and days will pass without showering, speaking to anyone except Neil (and then it's just the basic exhange of words), or eating anything apart from caramel biscuits.

Didn't you all LOVE this card from PostSecret this week?

I think this is what's going on for Neil at the moment. He seems to have given up trying to inspire or encourage me to get my arse out of bed and to work. He said to me the other day "I'm scared of pushing you over the edge", and I felt so damn guilty... I'm constantly aware of the fact that he lost his dad and his brother to suicide and that he must worry so much about me. I just can't seem to get motivated enough to get moving.

I have a couple of hopeful moments ahead of me. I see a haematologist tomorrow about my anaemia and he will book me in for an iron tranfusion. This entails being hooked up to an IV for six hours in hospital while I'm pumped full of iron. A couple of people I know swear by these transfusions and I'm praying that I get booked in for one in the next few weeks. Having more physical energy must have a positive effect on my mental pain. The other thing is my parents and my brother are paying for me to do a course entitled "Ignite Your Life" - a three day course in self-development and transformation that the three of them have done in the past, and which they swear will have an amazing effect on my life and attitude. I'm slightly cynical, even though I've seen the difference in them and it's pretty profound. I really hope to gain benefit from the course, and maybe finally have clarity in my path in life. I have a fantastic relationship with Neil, and for that I am eternally grateful, but pretty much everything else in my life is dismal. "Ignite Your Life" runs from November 11 - 13.

I'm sorry I've been absent from this page for so long. It's been hard to know what to say, when all I've been feeling is BLAH. But despite my gloomiest of outlooks, there is still a persistent, hopeful chink of light at the end of this tunnel. And that's what keeps me going, slow and steady.


Saracide said...

Ignite Your Life..hmm. sounds interesting! I definitely need something to get me motivated about my life as well.. just not feelin' in lately. You'll have to let us know how it goes :)

BTW - I think I accidentally deleted one of your comments on my blog before even reading it.. stupid laptop.. stupid blogger.. ugh :(

MRS PRN said...

Hi Lil...glad to hear u had a great time in Melbourne. And I can relate once again to the depression and needing time off work. I just recently had 3 weeks off...(in my last post). It's really hard some days aye...hard to get motivated! Altho it could well be your the symptoms of anaemia: feeling tired all the time, and depending on how low your haemoglobin is, you'll also have low oxygen levels. All the best with the iron infusion anyway. Does wonders for anaemia...your iron and haemoglobin increases significantly only after a couple of bags too! Where are u having it done?

Borderline Lil said...

Thanks for the comments guys. Mrs PRN my haematologist is Steve Ward who is based at Hollywood but I think the procedure will be at SCGH. I am closest to Swan Districts but you have to go where they tell you LOL. I am having a gastroscopy and colonoscopy at RPH in the next few weeks so maybe I will see you at one of these hospitals one day!!

Pixie said...

Poor poppet, sounds very crappy. I hope the transfusion does the trick. It's amazing what a lack of iron does to you. I'm rubbish at remembering to take vitamins and I am sure if I remembered it would make a difference. You must tell us about the course. Sounds interesting. I feel like igniting my life, but not quite in that way... ;-) I'm just glad you are back here, and, as ever, sending lots of Pixie love xxxxxxx

the girl named Bleah said...

Thank you so much for the super sweet comment! And for following. :) It means alot. <3


MRS PRN said...

Hi Lil...I will keep an eye out for you, and if I recognise you will introduce myself!

Anonymous said...

I hope you feel better soon. I know how difficult it is to struggle with both physical and psychological health issues and wish you all the best. Sending lots of love your way! *hugs*

ml said...

I'm sorry things have been getting difficult again. Did you have the transfusion yet?
I expect the extra energy alone should help your outlook.
Keep us posted.

rivercat said...

yes, best of luck with the health issues. The ignite your life thing sounds like fun. I understand the skepticism, but even with that you can still look at is as a great thing to experience!

Jen Daisybee said...


I'm really sorry you're having such a difficult time. I really hope the iron infusions help you, and get your energy up so you can do more of the things that you would like to do. I know how it is to have both a medical and a physical illness going in which impede energy and to not know for sue which one is exactly the problem. Try to take good care of yourself, and do relaxing things that might help you feel a little better when you can. I also think that Neil is a great guy and I doubt that he feels resentment towards you about your illness. He seems to be a good support for you and I'm glad you have him in your life.

Just Be Real said...

Lil glad you had some good R&R. Praying that your system will be replenished with health. Safe hugs to you dear one.